A Leader’s Guide based on
I Promise You
Preparing For a Marriage
That Will Last a Lifetime
by
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Materials adapted from The Four Gifts of Love Workbook and Leader’s Guide by
Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers.
Contents
Before You Begin 5
Overview of Lessons
Getting Ready to Counsel
Session One: Introduction 7
Opening Activity: Welcome and Introduction
Review Reading Assignment
Exercise: The Great Impact
Closing
Session Two: The Gift of Care 10
Opening Activity: Happiest Place Exercise
Review Reading Assignment
Exercise: The Birthday Gift
Closing
Session Three: The Gift of Protection 14
Opening Activity: On the Menu
Review Reading Assignment
Exercise: Identifying Love Busters Worksheet
Exercise: Finding Options
Closing
Session Four: The Gift of Honesty 18
Opening Activity: Honesty Worksheet I
Review Reading Assignment
Exercise: Honesty Worksheet II
Closing
Contents
Session Five: The Gift of Time 21
Opening Activity: Priority Time
Review Reading Assignment
Exercise: Time for Love Worksheet
Closing
Session Six: Review 24
Opening Activity: Coffee or Tea?
Review and Questions
Review the Policies of Mutual Agreement and Radical Honesty Handouts
Closing
Handouts 29
About the Author
Before You Begin
This guide contains lessons for six sessions to guide couples through the concepts from
I Promise You. In week one you will introduce the topics that you will look at more in
depth over the next few weeks, and in week six you will wrap up everything you have
learned. In every other session you will find activities, exercises, and discussion questions
that follow the book. Although each lesson may vary slightly, the following is a
suggested time allotment for each section.
Opening Activity 15 minutes
Review Reading Assignment 20 minutes
Exercise(s) 15–20 minutes
Closing 5 minutes
Note: Each assignment and lesson in this leader’s guide has been carefully crafted to
enhance the participants’ learning process. Therefore, it’s important to use each piece
of this curriculum as presented.
Overview of Lessons
Session 1: Introduction
• Introduces the Love Bank—and how couples make deposits into and withdrawals
from each other’s accounts.
• Discusses the differences between romantic love and caring love.
Session 2: The Gift of Care
• Introduces the concept of emotional needs in marriage.
• Identifies the ten most common emotional needs of marriage.
• Discusses ways of meeting emotional needs within marriage.
• Explains the importance of meeting emotional needs in mutually enjoyable
ways.
• Provides couples with the opportunity to identify and share their emotional needs
with each other.
I Promise You • Study Guide
Session 3: The Gift of Protection
• Identifies behaviors—called Love Busters—that destroy love.
• Presents the Policy of Joint Agreement.
• Reviews four guidelines for negotiation to help couples find mutually agreeable
solutions to problems or disagreements.
• Provides couples with the opportunity to identify, discuss, and overcome Love
Busters in their relationships.
Session 4: The Gift of Honesty
• Presents the Policy of Radical Honesty.
• Reviews the Five Parts of Honesty.
• Provides couples with the opportunity to practice honesty with each other.
Session 5: The Gift of Time
• Presents the Policy of Undivided Attention.
• Explains the need for couples to spend at least 15 hours a week offering undivided
attention to each other.
• Provides recommendations for how to schedule time for undivided attention.
Session 6: Review
• Reviews the Four Promises of Care, Protection, Honesty, and Time.
• Reviews the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty.
Getting Ready to Counsel
About one week prior to your first session, distribute a copy of I Promise You to each
participant. Instruct them to read chapter 1 and, as a couple, to answer the chapter’s
“Talk about This” questions.
Also note the “Preparation” section for each lesson; this is a list of handouts and
materials you will need to prepare ahead of time.
As the leader, your obvious role is to help guide participants through the lessons. But
your most important role is to encourage the couples to complete their assignments.
What couples do during your session is not as important as what they did during the
previous week. Each lesson is carefully designed to expand upon and apply the concepts
presented in I Promise You. It’s important to encourage couples to come prepared with
assignments completed.
Session One:
Introduction
Preparation:
• Print copies (1 per couple unless otherwise indicated) of the following:
2 Couple Information Sheet
2 Lesson Overview
2 Assignment Checklist (1 per person)
2 The Great Impact
2 Emotional Needs Questionnaire (1 per person)
2 Agreement to Meet the Most Important Emotional Needs
2 Evaluation Time: Emotional Needs
• Bring a pencil or pen for each person.
• Have a white board and markers available.
Opening Activity: Welcome and Introduction
Introduce yourself and welcome participants to the session. Share your excitement
about guiding them through I Promise You.
Distribute pens or pencils and the Couple Information Sheet, asking couples
to complete the handout by the end of the session. Get to know the participants by
encouraging them to share some information about themselves, such as their hobbies,
how they met, and what their families are like.
Distribute the Lesson Overview to each couple. Read through the handout and
explain that each lesson will build on the previous one, so attendance and assignment
completion are important.
Distribute the Assignment Checklist to each person. Reading through the handout
is not necessary; simply explain the importance of completing the reading and activity
assignments prior to each session. Each “day” assignment will take about 30 to 45
minutes to complete, so it’s best to spread the assignments out on separate days.
I Promise You • Study Guide
Review Reading Assignment
1. What are the four key promises that Dr. Harley encourages you to make to each
other?
Care, Protection, Honesty, and Time.
2. What is a Love Bank and how does it affect the way we feel about others?
The Love Bank is the way our emotions keep track of how people treat us. Good
experiences deposit “love units,” leading us to like or even love a person. Bad
experiences withdraw love units, leading us to dislike or even hate a person.
3. How is the feeling of romantic love created? And what can cause that feeling to
be lost?
When you have received a certain amount of deposits from someone of the opposite
gender (i.e., the romantic-love threshold is reached), the feeling of romantic love will
be triggered. If Love Bank balances fall below that threshold, you will lose the feeling
of romantic love—you will like the person, but you will not be in love.
4. How do we come to dislike someone we once loved?
If love units continue to be withdrawn, eventually your Love Bank balance will reach
zero, and you will neither like nor dislike the person. When their accounts reach
negative territory, you dislike them. When a large number of love units have been
withdrawn (i.e., the hate threshold is reached), you will hate that person.
5. What is the difference between romantic love and caring love? Why do you need
to have caring love in a marriage?
Romantic love is a feeling. Caring love is a decision. Caring love is the willingness to
take time and effort to make someone happy or to give the Four Promises of Love.
Without caring love, it is impossible to preserve your feelings of romantic love.
6. Should keeping the Four Promises of Love depend on how you feel for each
other?
We can’t control our feelings, but we can control what we do with them. It’s easier
to give caring love to someone we like, but even when we dislike someone, we can
make the decision to give caring love. Romantic love is a feeling that may rise and
fall during marriage. But caring love is a commitment to follow through with your
Promises of Love, no matter how you feel.
Exercise: The Great Impact
Explain that this class will help participants learn how to keep the Promises of Love in
their marriage relationship: Why is it important to keep those promises for a lifetime? We
know a marriage relationship is important, but do you really know its impact throughout
life? This exercise will help you see the great impact that marriage will have on you.
Session One: Introduction
Distribute The Great Impact handout to each couple. Instruct them to take five
minutes to answer the questions together. Then discuss these questions:
1. How many areas of impact or influence did you identify? (Ask each couple to
give their total number.)
2. What are those areas? (Write down their responses on a white board. Possible
answers include: family—immediate and extended, friends—close and extended,
children—young and old, ministry, job, career choice, finances, personal health,
society, happiness, emotions, social skills, rules of life, hobbies, government,
community discipline, goals, witness, decisions, energy, priorities, world view,
economy, legacy, relationship with God.)
3. Discuss further a few areas of impact. How does a marriage relationship affect each?
(e.g., personal health—when a marriage is in crisis, there is stress on the body,
physically and emotionally, which can affect one’s immune system; finances—a
couple’s standard of living can be higher with two paychecks versus one, but if
a couple is not making decisions together, finances can be negatively affected)
4. Do you think there is any other human relationship that compares to marriage in
terms of greatest impact? (If anyone identifies another relationship, list the areas
of impact and compare lists. Marriage should have more areas of impact.)
Summarize your findings: Clearly, your marriage will be the most influential human
relationship you will ever have in your lifetime. So it makes sense to learn how to make it
terrific . . . for a lifetime!
Closing
As you wrap up your first session, take a few minutes to do the following:
Review the time and date of your next session.
Review the second assignment from the Assignment Checklist. Advise participants
that the homework could take two to three hours to complete.
Distribute copies of the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, Agreement to Meet
the Emotional Needs, and Evaluation Time. These are needed for next week’s
assignments. Ask them to bring these forms back to your next session.
Collect the Couple Information Sheet.
Thank couples for their preparation and participation in the discussion.
*Note: It’s recommended for the leader to call, text, or email each participant a few
days before the next class to encourage assignment completion and attendance.
10
Session Two:
The Gift of Care
Preparation
• Print out copies of the following worksheets (1 per couple unless otherwise
indicated):
2 The Birthday Gift
2 Love Busters Questionnaire (1 per person)
2 Agreement to Overcome Love Busters
2 Evaluation Time: Love Busters
• Bring an index card and pen or pencil for each person in the class.
Opening Activity: Happiest Place Exercise
Welcome participants to this second session and tell them you’d like to start with a
brief activity that will help you get to know them better—and help them learn more
about each other.
Give each person an index card (include yourself in this activity) and have everyone
write down their answer to this question: Where is the happiest place on earth for you?
Encourage each participant to be specific (e.g., golf course, Disneyland, sofa in family
room, bed). When you’ve finished writing, share responses with each other and list
them on the white board. Then ask participants, “What makes your ‘happiest place
on earth’ happy for you?”
Wrap up this activity by asking, “Did you notice that we don’t all have the same
‘happiest place’?” and by making this brief point: We are different regarding what makes
us happy. Some places trigger intense feelings of happiness; some don’t. Similarly, when
your partner does a certain behavior, intense feelings of happiness will be triggered at that
moment, while other behaviors won’t trigger the same feeling. Your assignments this week
were designed to help you identify what will make you happy within your marital relation11
Session Two: The Gift of Care
ship. They also help you understand the importance of meeting each other’s emotional
needs, or being a source of happiness, as a response to your Promise of Care.
Review Reading Assignment
1. What does the Promise of Care mean?
I promise to be your primary source of happiness by meeting your most important
emotional needs. Care means what you do for each other.
2. What is an emotional need? Can you give an example of an emotional need?
An emotional need is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves us feeling happy and
content. When it’s unsatisfied, we feel unhappy and frustrated. Examples might
include a need for chocolate, watching sports, or receiving gifts on your birthday.
3. How will caring for each other help you stay in love?
When you meet each other’s emotional needs, you are making deposits in each
other’s Love Banks. When you make a habit of caring for each other this way, you will
keep enough “units” in your Love Banks to stay over the romantic love threshold.
4. What are the four most important emotional needs in marriage?
Affection, Sexual Fulfillment, Intimate Conversation, and Recreational
Companionship.
5. What are the six other common emotional needs in marriage?
Honesty, Physical Attractiveness, Financial Support, Domestic Support, Family
Commitment, and Admiration.
6. Why is it important for emotional needs to be met in ways that are mutually
enjoyable?
It’s important to strive for mutuality when meeting a need for a number of reasons:
(1) it’s difficult to sustain a habit that consistently causes pain, so to create a lifestyle
of consistently meeting each other’s needs, the manner in which you meet the need
will need to be enjoyable for it to continue; (2) not meeting needs in a mutually
enjoyable way leads to feelings of entitlement and resentment for the one who is
sacrificing (e,g, “I reluctantly went shopping with you for 10 hours to meet your
need of recreational companionship, now I get (fill in the blank) even though it
makes you unhappy); and (3) although it takes time to negotiate and a period of
trial and adjustment, couples can create habits and a routine that meet emotional
needs in mutually enjoyable ways. Couples do not want to get into a thoughtless
cycle of exchanging one person’s suffering for the other’s happiness. This only causes
problems and maladjustment.
7. Why is there a risk when someone of the opposite sex—besides your partner—
meets your most important emotional needs?
If another member of the opposite sex meets your most important emotional needs,
they will make so many deposits in your Love Bank that it could trigger the feelings
12
I Promise You • Study Guide
of romantic love. This is why it’s wise to make sure that those important emotional
needs are met by your partner exclusively.
8. What kind of lifestyle rules could you and your partner follow to prevent someone
else of the opposite gender from filling up your Love Banks and triggering feelings
of romantic love?
Note: Some suggestions are listed below, but answers may vary.
No recreational activities alone with someone of the opposite gender.
Don’t drive alone with someone of the opposite gender.
No conversation with someone of the opposite gender about the intimate details of
your life—feelings, family, marriage relationship, problems.
Develop same-gender friendships that can meet the needs of conversation,
recreational companionship, and affection when a spouse is unavailable (i.e., on a
trip or unable to meet needs due to chronic illness).
If you want to care for someone in a time of need, do it only with your spouse.
If your job requires you to travel, have an accountability partner of the same gender
to make sure you continue to protect your spouse from thoughtless behaviors, and
avoid anything that would lessen the ability to control yourself, like alcohol use.
If you find yourself attracted to someone else of the opposite gender, tell your spouse
and avoid contact with that person.
Know your needs—they are also your weaknesses and the easiest way people can
make deposits into your Love Bank.
If someone tells you that they are attracted to you, tell him/her that you love your
spouse and that your marriage is committed to a policy of radical honesty, and
run!
9. If you feel dissatisfied with the way your partner is meeting your needs, how
could you express it in a helpful way? What would be some healthy guidelines
for sharing these concerns with each other?
Use statements that give a specific, positive suggestion of what you would like. For
example, “I’d love it if you could call me a few times during the day.” Also it would be
helpful to schedule regular times during the year to evaluate need-meeting behaviors,
asking if they are hitting the mark regarding quality, quantity, and mutuality.
Exercise: The Birthday Gift
Distribute the Birthday Gift handout. Read through the handout and answer the
questions together.
13
Session Two: The Gift of Care
Closing
Before you close this session, do the following:
Review the time and date of your next session.
Review the third assignment from the Assignment Checklist. Advise participants
that the homework could take two to three hours to complete.
Distribute a copy of the Love Busters Questionnaire to each person and the
Agreement to Overcome Love Busters and Evaluation Time handout to
each couple. These are needed for next week’s assignment.
Thank participants for their preparation and participation in the discussion.
14
Session Three:
The Gift of Protection
Preparation
• Print copies of the following handouts (1 per couple unless otherwise
indicated):
2 Identifying Love Busters Worksheet
2 Finding Options
2 Personal History Questionnaire (1 per person)
• Bring a pen or pencil for each participant
• Bring the following supplies for the On-the-Menu exercise:
2 take-out menus from several area restaurants
2 one sheet of wide-ruled paper for each couple
Opening Activity: On the Menu
After welcoming participants, explain: As we are learning, negotiation is an essential
part of creating a compatible lifestyle. So this exercise is dedicated to helping you negotiate
with the Policy of Joint Agreement.
Distribute a take-out menu and pen or pencil to each couple. Tell them to imagine
that they must order two of the same meal from the menu. Take them step-by-step
through the four steps of negotiation as they select the meal they will order. Proceed
to the next step only after they’ve completed the current step.
Step One: Agree to make negotiation safe and pleasant. Instruct each partner
to say to the other, “I will make this negotiation pleasant and safe.”
Step Two: Identify the problem from both of your perspectives. Instruct
one person to share his or her perspective with the other in two to three sentences.
Give an example: “I like something that has a beefy taste and some vegetables. I don’t
15
Session Three: The Gift of Protection
like fish.” Then the listener restates what was heard. Instruct them to repeat this process
with the other person.
Step Three: Brainstorm. Pass out a piece of lined paper to each couple and instruct
them to write down brainstorm options. Remind them not to discuss any options, only
write them down.
Step Four: Pick the solution that is appealing to both of you. Instruct couples
to write their initials on the top left side margin of their paper and draw a vertical line
down the margin to separate the initials. Then instruct them to vote for each option using
a 1 to 5 rating scale (5 = extremely enthusiastic, 1 = not enthusiastic). Pick the option
that is enthusiastically agreed upon. If there isn’t an option that is mutually appealing,
brainstorm more solutions. Or you don’t get to eat! (The default key for the Policy of
Joint Agreement is not to do anything until there is an enthusiastic agreement.)
Ask each couple to share what they will be eating together. Then discuss the following
questions:
1. What did you learn about negotiating with the Policy of Joint Agreement?
2. What part was difficult?
3. What part was easy?
4. Do you think you will always feel like negotiating?
Review: It’s important to remember that negotiation may not be instinctive. You may not
feel like doing it. What is instinctive is to make a decision that is good for your partner but
bad for you, or to make a decision that is good for you but bad for your partner. Again, the
purpose of negotiating is to find a solution that meets the Policy of Joint Agreement. This
forces couples to take each other into consideration at the same time.
Review Reading Assignment
1. What is the Promise of Protection?
It is a promise to avoid being the cause of your fiancé(e)’s unhappiness. The Gift of
Protection provides protection from thoughtless/selfish tendencies that tempt you to
gain at each other’s expense, or worse yet, to deliberately try to hurt each other.
2. What is a Love Buster?
Love Busters are thoughtless habits that exist in most marriages. They lead to large
Love Bank withdrawals and can destroy your feelings of romantic love. Because they
are habits, they usually require some effort to overcome.
3. What are the six key Love Busters that hurt marriages?
Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts, Dishonesty, Annoying
Habits, and Independent Behavior.
16
I Promise You • Study Guide
4. What is the Policy of Joint Agreement?
Never do anything without enthusiastic, mutual agreement between you and your
partner.
5. How does the Policy of Joint Agreement help you avoid Love Busters in your
relationship?
The root cause of all Love Busters is thoughtlessness and a selfish desire to get our
own way. The Policy of Joint Agreement bypasses these problems by forcing you to
take your partner’s feelings into account before you take action or make decisions.
6. How does the Policy of Joint Agreement help you build a compatible lifestyle?
It ensures that all your activities and decisions will be mutually enjoyable. It also
helps each person avoid independent behaviors that can lead to an incompatible
lifestyle.
7. How can you avoid feeling resentment when you don’t get something you wanted
because of the Policy of Joint Agreement?
You can negotiate a new solution and brainstorm an option that you’ll both enjoy.
8. What are the four steps to successful negotiation?
First, set ground rules to make negotiations pleasant and safe. Second, identify the
problem from both of your perspectives. Third, brainstorm solutions with abandon.
Fourth, pick the solution that is appealing to both of you.
Exercise: Identifying Love Busters Worksheet
Give each couple a copy of the Identifying Love Busters Worksheet and ask
them to take five minutes to answer the questions. When completed, briefly review
the answers together:
Mary’s Options: (a) dishonesty; (b) disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, and
maybe angry outbursts; (c) none; and (d) independent behavior.
Dennis’ Options: (a) disrespectful judgments; (b) dishonesty; (c) dishonesty; and
(d) none.
Review: What is the phrase you could use to gently suggest how a behavior could be
fine-tuned? “I’d love it if . . .” or “I like it when . . .”
Exercise: Finding Options
Distribute the Finding Options handout to each couple. Instruct them to take five
minutes to answer the questions. When completed, briefly review answers together.
On the white board, write the headings “Perspectives—Ann and Jason” and “Options.”
Then write the answers on the white board.
17
Session Three: The Gift of Protection
Closing
Before you leave, ask each person to briefly share one concept that he or she has
found helpful or interesting. Then review the time and date of your next session, review
the assignment for the next session, and advise participants that the homework could
take two to three hours to complete. Give each participant a copy of the Personal
History Questionnaire to complete before your next meeting. Thank everyone for
their preparation and participation in the discussion.
18
Session Four:
The Gift of Honesty
Preparation
• Print copies (1 per couple) of following handouts:
2 Honesty Worksheet I
2 Honesty Worksheet II
2 Recreational Enjoyment Inventory
2 Time for Undivided Attention Worksheet and Graph
• Bring a pen or pencil for each participant.
Opening Activity: Honesty Worksheet I
Welcome participants and distribute pens or pencils and Honesty Worksheet I.
Read through the handout and answer the questions together.
Review Reading Assignment
1. What is the Promise of Honesty?
A commitment to do what you can to make everything about yourself transparent to
the other—your feelings and reactions, what you have done in the past, what you
are doing in the present, and what you plan to do in the future.
2. Why is honesty so important in marriage?
Without honesty, you can’t meet each other’s emotional needs effectively or create
plans that are mutually agreeable. Honesty allows you to make adjustments in your
relationship before your Love Banks experience too many withdrawals.
3. What does it mean to have emotional honesty?
Reveal your emotional reactions—both positive and negative—to the events of your
life, particularly to your partner’s behavior.
19
Session Four: The Gift of Honesty
4. What does it mean to have historical honesty?
Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate
personal weakness or failure.
5. What does it mean to have current honesty?
Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar
of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your partner.
6. What does it mean to have future honesty?
Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives.
7. What does it mean to have complete honesty?
Do not leave your partner with false impressions about your thoughts, feelings,
habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, or plans for the future. Do not
deliberately keep information from your partner.
8. What are the four primary reasons a person lies in a relationship?
1) Protection, 2) Avoiding trouble, 3) Trying to look better than they are, 4)
Compulsion.
9. Are there ever situations where honesty is a Love Buster? In other words, are there
times when it’s better to keep the truth to yourself?
No, even when revealing the truth may be hurtful, you should be honest. Remember,
it’s not honesty that is the Love Buster, but rather the behavior that the honesty
reveals. Dishonesty merely postpones your fiancé(e)’s discovery of the truth—and
then they will be hurt by the original behavior and the fact that you tried to hide it
from them.
10. What phrase can you use to show that you value honesty?
Thank you for being honest.
11. What should you and your fiancé(e) do after honest information is revealed?
Negotiate a solution that would prevent the painful behavior or decision from being
repeated in the future.
Exercise: Honesty Worksheet II
Distribute Honesty Worksheet II to each couple. Read through the handout and
answer the questions together.
On the white board, write the answers to this final question from the handout: If
Dan and Pam negotiate a plan to overcome thoughtless spending, what are some possible
brainstorming options for solving this problem? (Remember to give options that are in
the best interest of both.)
20
I Promise You • Study Guide
Closing
Before you dismiss the class, take a minute to review the time and date of your next
session and to review next week’s assignment. Remind participants that the assignment
could take two to three hours to complete. Distribute the Recreational Enjoyment
Inventory and the Time for Undivided Attention Worksheet and Graph to
each couple. These are needed for next week’s assignments. Thank participants for their
preparation and participation in the discussion.
21
Session Five:
The Gift of Time
Preparation
• Print copies of the following handouts (1 per couple unless otherwise
indicated):
2 Priority Time (1 per person)
2 Time for Love Worksheet
2 Feedback Time
• Bring a pen or pencil for each participant.
Opening Activity: Priority Time
After welcoming the participants, begin the session by distributing a pen or pencil
and the Priority Time handout to each person. Instruct each individual to complete
the first part on their own, then discuss the Couple Discussion questions together.
After they’ve completed their discussion, ask the following questions:
What did you learn from the Priority Time exercise?
What additional activities or responsibilities may make it challenging to give each
other the Promise of Time?
What could be done to make sure this promise is kept even when those responsibilities
arise?
Review Reading Assignment
1. What is the Promise of Time?
A commitment to schedule enough time for undivided attention each week to meet
your partner’s important emotional needs.
22
I Promise You • Study Guide
2. What is the Policy of Undivided Attention?
Give your partner a minimum of fifteen hours of undivided attention each week to
fulfill each other’s important emotional needs.
3. How do you practice privacy in following the Policy of Undivided Attention?
Your time together should not include friends, relatives, or children. You need to
establish time when you can focus solely on each other.
4. What should your objectives be when following the Policy of Undivided
Attention?
Your time together should be spent in activities that will meet your most important
emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, and recreational
companionship.
5. What amount of time will you need to spend in undivided attention once you
are married?
To maintain your feelings of love, you need to spend at least fifteen hours each week
giving undivided attention. Should your relationship suffer dissatisfaction for a time,
you will need to plan more time together until marital satisfaction is once again
achieved.
6. What is the best way to make sure that you follow the Policy of Undivided
Attention?
Set aside a short time each week to plan your fifteen hours of Undivided Attention for
that week. Unless you actually schedule this time, you likely won’t follow through on
your desire to spend that time together.
7. Why is it important that you be recreational companions and avoid pursuing your
leisure activities separately?
Spending your leisure time together is not only the best way to build your
relationship, but it will also help you experience the most interesting and enjoyable
parts of your life together. If you frequently spend leisure time independently, you risk
losing your emotional bond with your partner and allowing someone else to make
Love Bank deposits during those activity times. You may also find that if you enjoy
leisure activities apart that you become bored with your partner.
Exercise: Time for Love Worksheet
Give each couple a copy of the Time for Love Worksheet. After they fold the
paper where indicated, instruct them to think of scheduling ideas for Joe and Sherry.
Allow five minutes for them to brainstorm. Then discuss ideas together and list the
scheduling ideas on the white board. After the ideas are exhausted, read the folded
portion of the page that gives Joe and Sherry’s plan.
23
Session Five: The Gift of Time
Review: Remember, it’s recommended that you find a specific time each week to schedule
your fifteen hours together. Otherwise, your high priority will not be represented in your
daily living.
Closing
Before you leave, review the time and date of your next session and remind the
couples of their next assignment on the Assignment Checklist. Advise them that the
homework could take two to three hours to complete. Also, distribute the Feedback
Time handout to each couple, which will be needed for next week’s assignment. Thank
everyone for their preparation and participation in the discussion.
24
Session Six: Review
Preparation
• Print copies for each participant of the following:
2 Promises of Love: Ready to Go!
2 A Parting Wish
• Bring pens and pencils for participants
• Prepare the following supplies for the opening activity:
2 a pot of hot water
2 various tea bags (e.g., herbal, green, decaffeinated, lemon, earl grey)
2 instant coffee
2 hot chocolate packets
2 cups
2 a container or packets of sugar (white and brown), a container of cream or
powdered cream
2 spoons
• Write the following on a white board or prepare a handout with the following
instructions:
Welcome! Before we start the class, please do the following:
1. Ask your partner if he or she would like tea, coffee, or hot chocolate.
2. Try to gather specific information about quality and quantity for making the drink:
How much sugar or cream? Herbal tea or another type?
3. After gathering information, make the drink for your partner according to his or
her specifications.
4. Ask your partner if the drink you made hit the mark for quality and quantity or if
it needs to be fine-tuned. (Use “I’d love it if” for adjustment requests.)
5. After the drink perfectly hits the mark, sit down for class.
25
Session Six: Review
Opening Activity: Coffee or Tea?
Welcome participants to their final session and direct their attention to the instructions
on the board. After participants are seated with their drinks, discuss the following
questions:
1. What Promises of Love were involved in this activity?
This activity represented all four promises. The Promise of Honesty—expressing your
coffee or tea recipe for making you happy; The Promise of Protection—expressing
your honesty and feedback without Love Busters; The Promise of Care—making the
drink with the recipe that would make your partner the happiest; and The Promise of
Time—taking the time to listen and respond to your partner.
2. Do you think you could get into the habit of making the coffee or tea the way
that produces the greatest happiness for each other?
Yes.
3. Could you get into this habit even though you didn’t care for that recipe of coffee
or tea?
Yes.
4. Why did you want to follow your partner’s recipe when making the drink instead
of the recipe you would like yourself?
It makes him/her the happiest.
5. How would you feel if your partner gave you a cup of coffee or tea that didn’t
hit the mark, like black coffee when you like coffee with sugar and cream, or tea
with 10 teaspoons of sugar when you like only one?
You still might be thankful for the effort, but it wouldn’t make you happy and it
might even cause you to be frustrated.
6. In what ways does this activity remind you of what we discussed during the previous
assignments and lessons about emotional needs?
The second assignment helped you discover the recipe for meeting your
partner’s most important emotional needs. That is one part of the Promise to
Care gathering information about how you can be a source of happiness. The
next part is practicing that recipe.
Individual tastes may not be the same for each person, and what makes one person
happy doesn’t necessarily make the other happy.
Missing the mark has repercussions. If we miss the mark, we miss the opportunity to
deposit lots of love units and also run the risk of developing resentment.
26
I Promise You • Study Guide
Review and Questions
Ask these questions about the Four Promises of Love. Invite the couple to write down
their responses, using the Promises of Love: Ready to Go! handout.
1. What are some helpful lessons you learned about your relationship through your
discussion of the Promise of Care?
2. How do you plan to live out the Promise of Care in your relationship? What are
some specific goals you have agreed to?
3. Do you have any questions or concerns about keeping the Promise of Care?
Answers will vary.
4. What are some helpful lessons you learned about your relationship through your
discussion of the Promise of Protection?
5. How do you plan to live out the Promise of Protection in your relationship? What
are some specific goals you have agreed to? Answers will vary.
6. Do you have any questions or concerns about keeping the Promise of
Protection?
7. What are some helpful lessons you learned about your relationship through your
discussion of the Promise of Honesty?
8. How do you plan to live out the Promise of Honesty in your relationship? What
are some specific goals you have agreed to? Answers will vary.
9. Do you have any questions or concerns about keeping the Promise of Honesty?
10. What are some helpful lessons you learned about your relationship through your
discussion of the Promise of Time? Answers will vary.
11. How do you plan to live out the Promise of Time in your relationship? What are
some specific goals you have agreed to?
12. Do you have any questions or concerns about keeping the Promise of Time?
Review the Policies of Mutual Agreement and Radical Honesty Handouts
1. Do you remember what the Policy of Mutual Agreement says?
Never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of both you and your
fiancé(e).
2. What phrase helps you live out the Policy of Mutual Agreement?
“How would you feel if . . . ?”
3. Did learning this policy change any of your attitudes or behaviors in your relationship?
If so, how?
4. What should you do if you disagree on an issue? How can you find mutual
agreement?
27
Session Six: Review
Set ground rules to negotiate without Love Busters, identify the problem from both
of your perspectives, brainstorm solutions, and pick a solution that you both find
acceptable.
5. Have you had an opportunity to put the Policy of Mutual Agreement to work in
your relationship? How did it work?
6. Do you remember what the Policy of Radical Honesty says?
Reveal to your fiancé(e) as much information as you know: your thoughts, feelings,
habits, likes and dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and future plans.
7. What phrase helps you to show that honesty is valued in your relationship?
“Thank you for being honest with me.”
8. Have you found it easy or difficult to practice radical honesty with each other?
9. What benefits have you experienced by being honest with each other?
Closing
Give each couple a copy of A Parting Wish. Read through it together as a review.
Ask if there are any comments or questions.
After you have finished, take some time to congratulate participants on completing
their counseling and provide contact information if they have any questions or concerns
in the future.
29
Handouts
Session One Handout
Couple Information Sheet
The following information will be used only by your leader. Please note any special
concerns or requests at the bottom of this sheet.
Male’s Name:_ _________________________________________________________
Age: _____
cell#: ________________________ email: _________________________________
Home phone #: ________________________________________________
Female’s Name:_________________________________________________________
Age: _____
cell#: ________________________ email: _________________________________
Home phone #: ________________________________________________
City/Cities where you reside (write in different cities if needed):
__________________________________________ _________________________
__________________
Wedding Date: _______________________
Have either of you been married before? If so, note which of you was married
and for how long.
Thank you!
Session One Handout
Lesson Overview
Session 1: Introduction
2 Introduces the Love Bank—and how couples make deposits into and withdrawals
from each other’s accounts.
2 Discusses the differences between romantic love and caring love.
Session 2: The Promise of Care
2 Introduces the concept of emotional needs in marriage.
2 Identifies the ten most common emotional needs of marriage.
2 Discusses ways of meeting emotional needs within marriage.
2 Explains the importance of meeting emotional needs in mutually enjoyable
ways.
2 Provides couples with the opportunity to identify and share their emotional
needs with each other.
Session 3: The Promise of Protection
2 Identifies behaviors—called Love Busters—that destroy love.
2 Presents the Policy of Joint Agreement.
2 Reviews four guidelines for negotiation to help couples find mutually agreeable
solutions to problems or disagreements.
2 Provides couples with the opportunity to identify, discuss, and overcome
Love Busters in their relationships.
Session 4: The Promise of Honesty
2 Presents the Policy of Radical Honesty.
2 Reviews the Five Parts of Honesty.
2 Provides couples with the opportunity to practice honesty with each other.
Session 5: The Promise of Time
2 Presents the Policy of Undivided Attention.
2 Explains the need for couples to spend at least fifteen hours a week offering
undivided attention to each other.
2 Provides recommendations for how to schedule time for undivided
attention.
Session 6: Review
2 Reviews the Four Promises of Care, Protection, Honesty, and Time.
2 Reviews the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty.
Session One Handout
Assignment Checklist
First Assignment (to be completed before Session One):
8 Read Chapter 1 of I Promise You.
8 Answer the chapter’s “Talk about It” questions together.
Second Assignment (to be completed before Session Two):
8 Day 1: Read Chapter 2 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 2: Read Chapter 3 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 3: Read Chapter 4 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 4: Complete Assignment 1 (p. 46) by answering part A of the Emotional
Needs Questionnaire. Then together, complete Assignment
2 (p. 49) by filling in and signing the Agreement to Meet the Most
Important Emotional Needs.
8 Day 5: Complete Assignment 3 (p. 50) by answering part B of the Emotional
Needs Questionnaire. Then together read through and use the
Evaluation Time guidelines to share this information.
Third Assignment (to be completed before Session Three):
8 Day 1: Read Chapter 5 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 2: Read Chapter 6 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 3: Read Chapter 7 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 4: Complete Assignments 4 and 5 (pp. 93–94) by answering the Love
Busters Questionnaire. Then together read through and use the Evaluation
Time guidelines to share this information. After sharing the information,
complete Assignment 6 (p. 94) by filing in and signing the Agreement to
Overcome Love Busters.
8 Day 5: Complete Assignment 7 (p. 95). Then share your plan(s)
together.
Fourth Assignment (to be completed before Session Four):
8 Day 1: Read Chapter 8 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 2: Complete Assignment 8 (p. 110) by filling in the Personal History
Questionnaire.
8 Day 3: Read Chapter 9 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 4: Together, review any two sections from your Personal History
Questionnaires.
8 Day 5: Together, review another two sections from your Personal History
Questionnaires.
Fifth Assignment (to be completed before Session Five):
8 Day 1: Read Chapter 10 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 2: Read Chapter 11 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 3: Together complete the Recreational Companionship Inventory
and identify at least five recreational activities that you both score as a “1”
or higher.
8 Day 4: Complete Assignment 9 (p. 139) and complete the Time for Undivided
Attention Worksheet and Graph.
8 Day 5: Together, review another two sections from your Personal History
Questionnaires.
Sixth Assignment (to be completed before Session Six):
8 Day 1: Read Chapter 12 of I Promise You.
8 Day 2: Together, review the remaining sections from your Personal History
Questionnaires.
8 Day 3: Together, read through and use the Feedback Time guidelines to
fine-tune your Promises of Care and Protection.
8 Day 4: Together, identify a time each month for the rest of your married
lives to review this information; maybe the first of every month. Agree to
review your Agreement to Meet the Most Important Emotional
Needs, your Agreement to Overcome Love Busters, your promise to
be honest, and your promise to schedule daily time together.
8 Day 5: Write down any questions you have for your last session.
Session One Handout
The Great Impact
1. What and who are affected or impacted by a marriage relationship? List as
many items as you can. To help your list, you may want to think about who
and what are influenced when a marriage is in trouble.
2. Take two examples from your list above and describe further how they are
affected and why.
a. _____________________________:
b. _____________________________:
3. Do you know of any other human relationship that has more areas of impact
in life more than marriage? If your answer is yes, describe what relationship
it would be and list the areas of impact.
Session One Handout
Emotional Needs
Questionnaire
© 1986 by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Name ______________________________________________________________________ Date _ ____________
This questionnaire is designed to help you determine your most important emotional needs and
evaluate your partner’s effectiveness in meeting those needs. Answer all the questions as candidly as
possible. Do not try to minimize any needs that you feel have been unmet. If your answers require
more space, use and attach a separate sheet of paper.
Your partner should complete a separate Emotional Needs Questionnaire so that you can discover
his or her needs and evaluate your effectiveness in meeting those needs.
You have the permission of the publisher to photocopy the questionnaire for use in your own
marriage. I recommend that you enlarge it 125 percent so that you’ll have plenty of room to write
in your responses.
When you have completed this questionnaire, go through it a second time to be certain your
answers accurately reflect your feelings. Do not erase your original answers, but cross them out lightly
so that your partner can see the corrections and discuss them with you.
The final page of this questionnaire asks you to identify and rank five of the ten needs in order
of their importance to you. The most important emotional needs are those that give you the most
pleasure when met and frustrate you the most when unmet. Resist the temptation to identify as most
important only those needs that your partner is not presently meeting. Include all your emotional
needs in your consideration of those that are most important.
Complete and discuss this questionnaire again after the first month of marriage and once a year
after that.
1. Affection. Showing love through words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses, and courtesies; creating an environment
that clearly and repeatedly expresses love.
A. Need for affection: Indicate how much you need affection by circling the appropriate
number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate I have a great need
for affection need for affection for affection
How often would you like your partner to be affectionate with you?
________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
If you were not shown affection by your partner as often as indicated above, how would you
feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to be shown affection
B. Evaluation of partner’s affection: Indicate your satisfaction with your partner’s affection toward
you by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My partner gives me all the affection I need. Yes No
I like the way my partner gives me affection. Yes No
If your answer is no, explain how your need for affection could be better satisfied in your marriage._______________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
2. Sexual Fulfillment. A sexual relationship that brings out a predictably enjoyable sexual response in
both of you that is frequent enough for both of you.
A. Need for sexual fulfillment: Indicate how much you need sexual fulfillment by circling the
appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for sexual fulfillment for sexual fulfillment for sexual fulfillment
How often would you like your spouse to have sex with you?
________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
If your spouse does not engage in sexual relations with you as often as you indicated above,
how would you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to engage in sexual relations
B. (complete when you are married) Evaluation of sexual relations with your spouse: Indicate
your satisfaction with your spouse’s sexual relations with you by circling the appropriate
number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My spouse has sexual relations with me as often as I need. Yes No
I like the way my spouse has sexual relations with me. Yes No
If your answer is no, explain how your need for sexual fulfillment could be better satisfied in
your marriage._______________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
3. Conversation. Talking about events of the day, feelings, and plans; avoiding angry or judgmental
statements or dwelling on past mistakes; showing interest in your favorite topics of conversation;
balancing conversation; using it to inform, investigate, and understand you; and giving you undivided
attention.
A. Need for conversation: Indicate how much you need conversation by circling the appropriate
number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for conversation for conversation for conversation
How often would you like your partner to talk to you?
________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
________ (write number) hours each day/week/month (circle one).
If your partner does not talk with you as often as you indicated above, how would you feel?
(Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to talk
B. Evaluation of conversation with your partner: Indicate your satisfaction with your partner’s
conversation with you by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My partner talks to me as often as I need. Yes No
I like the way my partner talks to me. Yes No
If your answer is no, explain how your need for conversation could be better satisfied in your
marriage.___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
4. Recreational Companionship. Developing interest in your favorite recreational activities, learning to
be proficient in them, and joining you in those activities. If any prove to be unpleasant to your spouse
after an effort has been made, negotiating new recreational activities that are mutually enjoyable.
A. Need for recreational companionship: Indicate how much you need recreational companionship
by circling the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for recreational for recreational for recreational
companionship companionship companionship
How often would you like your partner to join you in recreational activities?
________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
________ (write number) hours each day/week/month (circle one).
If your partner does not join you in recreational activities as often as you indicated above, how
would you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very happy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat happy d. Happy not to include my spouse
B. Evaluation of recreational companionship with your partner: Indicate your satisfaction with
your partner’s recreational companionship by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My partner joins me in recreational activities as often as I need. Yes No
I like the way my partner joins me in recreational activities. Yes No
If your answer is no, explain how your need for recreational companionship
could be better
satisfied in your marriage._____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
5. Honesty and Openness. Revealing positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily events
and schedule, plans for the future; not leaving you with a false impression; answering your questions
truthfully.
A. Need for honesty and openness: Indicate how much you need honesty and openness by circling
the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for honesty and openness for honesty and openness for honesty and openness
Which of the following areas of honesty and openness would you like from your partner?
(Circle the letters that apply to you.)
a. Sharing positive and negative emotional reactions to significant aspects of life
b. Sharing information regarding his/her personal history
c. Sharing information about his/her daily activities
d. Sharing information about his/her future schedule and plans
If your partner fails to be open and honest in those areas you indicated, how would you feel?
(Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy that my spouse isn’t honest and open
B. Evaluation of partner’s honesty and openness: Indicate your satisfaction with your partner’s
honesty and openness by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
In which of the areas listed above would you like to see improvement from your partner?
Explain how your need for honesty and openness could be better satisfied in your marriage.
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
6. Physical Attractiveness. Keeping physically fit with diet and excercise; wearing hair, clothing, and
(if female) makeup in a way that you find attractive and tasteful.
A. Need for an attractive partner: Indicate how much you need an attractive partner by circling
the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for an attractive partner for an attractive partner for an attractive partner
Which of the following characteristics of attractiveness mean the most to you? (Circle the letters
that apply.)
a. Physical fitness and normal weight
b. Attractive choice of clothes
c. Attractive hairstyle
d. Good physical hygiene
e. Attractive facial makeup
f. Other _______________________________________
If your partner does not have those characteristics that you circled above, how would you feel?
(Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to have an attractive partner
B. Evaluation of partner’s attractiveness: Indicate your satisfaction with your partner’s attractiveness
by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
In which of the areas listed above would you like to see improvement from your partner?
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
Explain how your need for an attractive partner could be better satisfied in your marriage.
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
7. Financial Support. Provision of the financial resources to house, feed, and clothe your family at a
standard of living acceptable to you, but avoiding travel and working hours that are unacceptable
to you.
A. Need for financial support: Indicate how much you need financial support by circling the appropriate
number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for financial support for financial support for financial support
How much money would you like your spouse to earn to support you?_____________________
How many hours each week would you like your spouse to work?____________________________
If your spouse does not earn the amount you indicated above, how would you feel? (Circle the
appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to have my spouse provide
support
B. (complete when you are married) Evaluation of spouse’s financial support: Indicate your satisfaction
with your spouse’s financial support by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My spouse provides me with all the financial support I need. Yes No
I like the way my spouse provides financial support. Yes No
If your spouse is not earning as much as you would like, is not working the hours you would
like, does not budget the way you would like, or does not earn an income the way you would
like, explain how your need for financial support could be better satisfied in your marriage.____
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
8. Domestic support. Creation of a home environment for you that offers a refuge from the stresses
of life; managing the home and care of the children—if any are at home—including but not limited
to cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, and housecleaning.
A. Need for domestic support: Indicate how much you need domestic support by circling the
appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for domestic support for domestic support for domestic support
How much time would you like your spouse to be engaged in domestic support? _____ (write
number) hours each day/week/month (circle one).
If your spouse does not spend as much time engaged in domestic support as you indicated
above, how would you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to have domestic support
B. (complete when you are married) Evaluation of spouse’s domestic support: Indicate your
satisfaction with your spouse’s domestic support by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My spouse provides me with all the domestic support I need. Yes No
I like the way my spouse provides domestic support. Yes No
If your answer is no to either of the above questions, explain how your need for domestic
support could be better satisfied in your marriage.___________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
9. Family commitment. Scheduling sufficient time and energy for the moral and educational
development of your children; reading to them, taking them on frequent outings, educating
himself or herself in appropriate child-training methods and discussing those methods with you;
avoiding any child-training method or disciplinary action that does not have your enthusiastic
support.
A. Need for family commitment: Indicate how much you need family commitment by circling
the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for family commitment for family commitment for family commitment
How much time would you like your spouse to be engaged in family activities?
________ (write number) hours each day/week/month (circle one).
If your spouse does not spend as much time as you indicated above, how would you feel?
(Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy he or she is not involved
B. (complete when you are married and have children) Evaluation of spouse’s family commitment:
Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s family commitment by circling the appropriate
number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My spouse commits enough time to the family. Yes No
I like the way my spouse spends time with the family. Yes No
If your answer is no, explain how your need for family commitment could be better satisfied in
your marriage._______________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
10. Admiration. Respecting, valuing, and appreciating you; rarely critical; and expressing admiration
to you clearly and often.
A. Need for admiration: Indicate how much you need admiration by circling the appropriate
number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for admiration for admiration for admiration
How often would you like your partner to admire you?
________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
If your partner does not admire you as often as you indicated above, how would you feel?
(Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to be admired
B. Evaluation of partner’s admiration: Indicate your satisfaction with your partner’s admiration
of you by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My partner gives me all the admiration I need. Yes No
I like the way my partner admires me. Yes No
If your answer is no, explain how your need for admiration could be better satisfied in your
marriage._ _______________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
Ranking of Your Emotional Needs
The ten basic emotional needs are listed below. There is also space for you to add other emotional
needs that you feel are essential to your marital happiness.
In the space provided before each need, write a number from 1 to 5 that ranks the need’s importance
to your happiness. Write a 1 before the most important need, a 2 before the next most
important, and so on until you have ranked your five most important needs.
To help you rank these needs, imagine that you will have only one need met in your marriage.
Which would make you the happiest, knowing that all the others would go unmet? That need should
be 1. If only two needs will be met, what would your second selection be? Which five needs, when
met, would make you the happiest?
_______ Affection
_______ Sexual Fulfillment
_______ Conversation
_______ Recreational Companionship
_______ Honesty and Openness
_______ Attractiveness of Spouse
_______ Financial Support
_______ Domestic Support
_______ Family Commitment
_______ Admiration
_______ ______________________
_______ ______________________
Agreement to Meet
the Most Important Emotional Needs
This Agreement is made this __________ day of _____________, ___________,
between ___________________________ and ___________________________,
whereby it is mutually agreed:
________________________________________ will learn to meet the following
emotional needs of ____________________________________________:
1. _________________________________________________
2. _________________________________________________
3. _________________________________________________
4. _________________________________________________
5. _________________________________________________
______________________________________ will learn to meet the following
emotional needs of ________________________________________:
1. _________________________________________________
2. _________________________________________________
3. _________________________________________________
4. _________________________________________________
5. _________________________________________________
In Witness Whereof, the parties hereto have signed this agreement on the day and year
first above written:
______________________________ _______________________________
(Husband) (Wife)
(Husband)
(Wife)
(Husband)
(Wife)
Session One Handout
Session One Handout
Evaluation Time:
Emotional Needs
Read the following guidelines with your fiancé(e). When you sit down for your
evaluation time, have your Emotional Needs Questionnaire handy.
1. The objective of this assignment is to gather information from each other.
Gathering information means that you listen and take notes.
2. Agree to make your discussion safe and enjoyable. Avoid demands, disrespectful
judgments, criticism, sarcasm, and teasing. If your discussion becomes
unpleasant for either of you, stop immediately and schedule another time
to continue this assignment.
3. Begin with the first need of the questionnaire—affection. One of you will read
what is on part B of his/her questionnaire for that particular need while the
other listens. The listener takes notes and asks clarifying questions, if needed.
After the reader is finished, the listener becomes the reader and the reader
becomes the listener. Continue this process for the nine remaining needs.
4. If the emotional need you are discussing is one of your top five emotional
needs, try to offer positive and specific suggestions for meeting the need.
Try using the form “I’d love it if (specific positive suggestion).” Describe what
your want (quality) and how often you want it (quantity). For example, “I’d
love it if you could call me every day at lunchtime,” or “I love it when we play
golf together once a month.”
5. Complete this assignment within 1 ½ hours. If more time is needed, then
schedule another time and day.
6. Choose a time where there will be no interruptions (i.e., turn off the cell
phone, don’t answer the home phone) and choose a quality time of day (i.e.,
avoid a time when you are tired or rushed).
7. Remember this key point: There are three aspects of care to consider when
meeting your fiancé(e)’s most important emotional needs:
Quality is meeting the need in a way that satisfies.
Quantity is meeting the need often enough.
Mutuality is meeting the need in a way that both spouses enjoy it.
Session Two Handout
The Birthday Gift
It’s not always easy to express your emotional needs to your partner. You may feel
that if he or she loves you, those needs will be met without having to say anything.
Or, if he or she is missing the mark, it would be rude to criticize; after all, isn’t it
the thought that counts? But what is likely to happen if emotional needs are not
honestly expressed? Erik and Betsy will help put this problem into perspective.
Erik remembered that Betsy, his new wife, likes bath oil and perfume. So at her
birthday party he gave her a gift box filled with vanilla-scented bath soaps, oils,
and body spray. A beautiful and costly gift—but there was a problem—the vanilla
smell makes Betsy feel sick. What should Betsy do?
1. When she opens the gift at the party with over thirty guests, she tells Erik
that she loves the thought, but the vanilla scent makes her sick.
2. After the party, Betsy privately says to Erik, “Thank you for the thoughtful
gift and I do like these items, but the vanilla scent makes me feel sick. I’d
love it if we could take back or at least go to the store and find a scent that
we both like.”
3. Thank Erik for the gift and throw it away or give it to a friend.
What would happen if Betsy isn’t honest about this gift?
1. Erik might continue to give her vanilla-scented perfume for the rest of her
life.
2. Erik might misdirect his energy and financial resources, thinking that he’s
making love unit deposits.
3. Betsy might miss out on future happiness, because her emotional need of
affection wouldn’t be met as well as it could be.
4. Erik might eventually find out the truth and feel deceived and hurt.
Review: What is the phrase that can help you be honest with your partner about
specific ways to meet your needs (hint: it’s in italics above)?
Session Two Handout
Love Busters Questionnaire
This questionnaire is designed to help identify your partner’s Love Busters. Your partner engages in
a Love Buster whenever one of his or her habits causes you to be unhappy. By causing your unhappiness,
he or she withdraws love units from the account in your Love Bank, and that, in turn, threatens
your romantic love for him or her.
There are six categories of Love Busters. Each category has its own set of questions in this questionnaire.
Answer all the questions as candidly as possible. Do not try to minimize your unhappiness
with your partner’s behavior. If your answers require more space, use and attach a separate sheet
of paper.
When you have completed this questionnaire, go through it a second time to be certain your
answers accurately reflect your feelings. Do not erase your original answers, but cross them out lightly
so that your partner can see the corrections and discuss them with you.
The final page of this questionnaire asks you to rank the six Love Busters in order of their importance
to you. When you have finished ranking the Love Busters, you may find that your answers to
the questions regarding each Love Buster are inconsistent with your final ranking. This inconsistency
is common. It often reflects a less than perfect understanding of your feelings. If you notice inconsistencies,
discuss them with your partner to help clarify your feelings.
You have the permission of the publisher to photocopy the questionnaire for use in your own
marriage. I recommend that you enlarge it 125 percent so that you’ll have plenty of room to write
in your responses. Make two copies, one for you and one for your partner.
1. Selfish Demands. Attempts by your partner to force you to do something for him or her, usually
with implied threat of punishment if you refuse.
A. Selfish Demands as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you tend to
experience when your partner makes selfish demands of you.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I experience I experience I experience
no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness
B. Frequency of Partner’s Selfish Demands: Indicate how often your partner makes selfish demands
of you.
________ (write number) selfish demands each day/week/month/year (circle one).
C. Form(s) Selfish Demands Take: When your partner makes selfish demands of you, what does
he or she typically do?_____________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
D. Form of Selfish Demands That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above
forms of selfish demands causes you the greatest unhappiness?_____________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
E. Onset of Selfish Demands: When did your partner first make selfish demands of you?__________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
F. Development of Selfish Demands: Have your partner’s selfish demands increased or decreased
in intensity and/or frequency since they first began? How do recent selfish demands
compare to those of the past?
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. Disrespectful Judgments. Attempts by your partner to change your attitudes, beliefs, and behavior by
trying to force you into his way of thinking. If (1) your partner lectures you instead of respectfully discussing
issues, (2) feels that his or her opinion is superior to yours, (3) talks over you or prevents you from
having a chance to explain your position, or (4) ridicules your point of view, your partner is engaging
in disrespectful judgments.
A. Disrespectful Judgments as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you
tend to experience when your partner engages in disrespectful judgments toward you.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I experience I experience I experience
no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness
B. Frequency of Partner’s Disrespectful Judgments: Indicate how often your partner tends to
engage in disrespectful judgments toward you.
________ (write number) disrespectful judgments each day/week/month/year (circle one).
C. Form(s) Disrespectful Judgments Take: When your partner engages in disrespectful judgments
toward you, what does he or she typically do? _________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
D. Form of Disrespectful Judgments That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above
forms of disrespectful judgments causes you the greatest unhappiness?________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
E. Onset of Disrespectful Judgments: When did your partner first engage in disrespectful judgments
toward you?_________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
F. Development of Disrespectful Judgments: Have your partner’s disrespectful judgments
increased or decreased in intensity and/or frequency since they first began? How do recent
disrespectful judgments compare to those of the past?_ ______________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3. Angry Outbursts. Deliberate attempts by your partner to hurt you because of anger toward you.
They are usually in the form of verbal or physical attacks.
A. Angry Outbursts as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you tend to
experience when your partner attacks you with an angry outburst.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I experience I experience I experience
no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness
B. Frequency of Partner’s Angry Outbursts: Indicate how often your partner tends to engage in
angry outbursts toward you.
__________(write number) angry outbursts each day/week/month/year (circle one).
C. Form(s) Angry Outbursts Take: When your partner engages in angry outbursts toward you,
what does he or she typically do?________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
D. Form of Angry Outbursts That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above
forms of angry outbursts causes you the greatest unhappiness?_ ____________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
E. Onset of Angry Outbursts: When did your partner first engage in angry outbursts toward
you?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
F. Development of Angry Outbursts: Have your partner’s angry outbursts increased or decreased
in intensity and/or frequency since they first began? How do recent angry outbursts
compare to those of the past?____________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
4. Dishonesty. Failure of your partner to reveal his or her thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes,
personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future. Dishonesty is not only providing false
information about any of the above topics, but it is also leaving you with what your partner knows
is a false impression.
A. Dishonesty as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you tend to experience
when your partner is dishonest with you.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I experience I experience I experience
no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness
B. Frequency of Partner’s Dishonesty: Indicate how often your partner tends to be dishonest
with you.
________ (write number) instances of dishonesty each day/week/month/year (circle one).
C. Form(s) Dishonesty Takes: When your partner is dishonest with you, what does he or she
typically do?_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
D. Form of Dishonesty That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above forms of
dishonesty causes you the greatest unhappiness?________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
E. Onset of Dishonesty: When was your partner first dishonest with you? ___________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
F. Development of Dishonesty: Has your partner’s dishonesty increased or decreased in intensity
and/or frequency since it first began? How do recent instances of dishonesty compare to
those of the past?___________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
5. Annoying Habits. Behavior repeated by your partner without much thought that bothers you. These
habits include personal mannerisms such as the way your partner eats, cleans up after himself or
herself, and talks.
A. Annoying Habits as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you tend to
experience when your partner engages in annoying habits.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I experience I experience I experience
no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness
B. Frequency of Partner’s Annoying Habits: Indicate how often your partner tends to engage in
annoying habits.
___________ (write number) occurrences of annoying habits each day/week/month/year
(circle one).
C. Form(s) Annoying Habits Take: When your partner engages in annoying habits toward you,
what does he or she typically do?________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
D. Form of Annoying Habits That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above
forms of annoying habits causes you the greatest unhappiness?_____________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
E. Onset of Annoying Habits: When did your partner first engage in annoying habits?__________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
F. Development of Annoying Habits: Have your partner’s annoying habits increased or decreased
in intensity and/or frequency since they first began? How do recent annoying habits
compare to those of the past?____________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
6. Independent Behavior. Behavior conceived and executed by your partner without consideration
of your feelings. These behaviors are usually scheduled and require thought to complete, such as
attending sporting events or engaging in a personal exercise program.
A. Independent Behavior as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you
tend to experience when your partner engages in independent behavior.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I experience I experience I experience
no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness
B. Frequency of Partner’s Independent Behavior: Indicate how often your partner tends to engage
in independent behavior.
___________ (write number) occurrences of independent behavior each day/week/month/
year (circle one).
C. Form(s) Independent Behavior Takes: When your partner engages in independent behavior,
what does he or she typically do? ________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
D. Form of Independent Behavior That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above
forms of independent behavior causes you the greatest unhappiness?
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
E. Onset of Independent Behavior: When did your partner first engage in independent behavior?___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
F. Development of Independent Behavior: Has your partner’s independent behavior increased
or decreased in intensity and/or frequency since it first began? How does recent independent
behavior compare to that of the past?___________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Rating Love Busters
The six basic categories of Love Busters are listed below. There is also space for you to add other
categories of Love Busters that you feel contribute to your unhappiness. In the space provided in front
of each Love Buster, write a number from 1 to 6 that ranks its relative contribution to your unhappiness.
Write a 1 before the Love Buster that causes you the greatest unhappiness, a 2 before the one
causing the next greatest unhappiness, and so on, until you have ranked all six.
_______ Selfish Demands
_______ Disrespectful Judgments
_______ Angry Outbursts
_______ Dishonesty
_______ Annoying Habits
_______ Independent Behavior
_______ _________________________
_______ _________________________
Agreement to Overcome Love Busters
This Agreement is made this _____________ day of ________________, ________,
between ___________________________ and ___________________________,
whereby it is mutually agreed:
_______________________________________ will learn to avoid the following
Love Busters:
1. _________________________________________________
2. _________________________________________________
3. _________________________________________________
4. _________________________________________________
5. _________________________________________________
_______________________________________ will learn to avoid the following
Love Busters:
1. _________________________________________________
2. _________________________________________________
3. _________________________________________________
4. _________________________________________________
5. _________________________________________________
In Witness Whereof, the parties hereto have signed this agreement on the day and year
first above written:
______________________________ ______________________________
(Husband)
(Husband) (Wife)
(Wife)
Session Two Handout
Session Two Handout
Evaluation Time:
Love Busters
Read the following guidelines with your partner before reviewing the
questionnaires:
1. This can be a challenging questionnaire to review because it’s often difficult
to hear about behaviors that need changing. So, when you receive feedback
remember this—you’re receiving valuable information about how your behaviors
affect your partner’s feelings for you—it’s a gift of honesty. You can’t
effectively give your Promise of Protection without this honest information.
Also, when you share your information, do it gently and use the “I’d love it
if” phrase, giving specific alternatives to the Love Buster.
2. The objective of this assignment is to gather information from your partner.
Gathering information means that you listen and take notes.
3. Agree to make your discussion safe and enjoyable. Avoid demands, disrespectful
judgments, criticism, sarcasm, and teasing. If your discussion becomes
unpleasant for either of you, stop immediately and schedule another time
to continue this assignment.
4. Begin with the first Love Buster of the questionnaire—selfish demands. One of
you will read what is on his/her questionnaire for that particular Love Buster
while the other listens. The listener takes notes and asks clarifying questions,
if needed. After the reader is finished, the listener becomes the reader and
the reader becomes the listener. Continue this process for the five remaining
Love Busters. Then review the last page that ranks the Love Busters.
5. If there are many annoying habits to eliminate, write them all down and ask
your partner to rank the habits from most to least annoying.
6. Complete this assignment within 1 hour. If more time is needed, schedule
another time and day.
7. Choose a time where there will be no interruptions (e.g., turn off the cell
phone, don’t answer the home phone) and choose a quality time of the day
(i.e., avoid times when you are tired or rushed).
8. If you reach an impasse, stop and schedule another time to complete this
assignment.
Session Three Handout
Identifying Love Busters
Worksheet
Sometimes it’s difficult to share concerns with your partner without Love Busters—
especially when it comes to situations where you have different opinions.
Let’s look at a situation that might lead to Love Buster behavior.
Situation: Dennis has been dressing for an on-going, weekly Bible study wearing
sandals, shorts, and an old t-shirt. Mary doesn’t like how he’s dressing and thinks
he should dress a little nicer. What should she do?
Option A: Say nothing and let it go—accepting him for who he is.
Option B: Tell him that he’s a slob and he must change immediately or else!
Option C: Tell him, “I’d love it if you’d wear this instead. How would you feel
about that idea?” If he doesn’t agree, then ask him if he’s willing to negotiate
another outfit.
Option D: Have the outfit mysteriously disappear from the face of the earth.
1. Identify the Love Buster for each option, if any:
A.
B.
C.
D.
2. Which option would be the best way for Mary to give Dennis the Promise
of Protection?
Now consider the following ways that Dennis could respond to Mary’s
concern:
Option A: Tell her that she is too concerned about what people think and
perhaps she should consider individual counseling to get over her anxiety.
Option B: Tell her “okay” and do whatever she wants him to do—even if it
causes him discomfort every time they go to the Bible study.
Option C: Tell her “okay” to get her off his back, but continue wearing what
he wants to wear.
Option D: Tell her “Thank you for being honest with me.” Then (a) “I
would be happy to wear something else—I really don’t care what I wear”;
or (b) “Let’s go to the closet and pick out outfits that we both like. And if we
can’t find anything, let’s go out and buy a couple of outfits together.”
1. Identify the Love Buster behaviors for each option, if any:
A.
B.
C.
D.
2. Which option would be the best way for Dennis to give Mary the Promise
of Protection?
Session Three Handout
Finding Options
Practice your negotiation skills by reading the following scenario and answering
the following questions:
Situation: Ann is feeling overwhelmed with wedding plans and her fiancé, Jason,
hasn’t helped with anything. She feels like he doesn’t really care about the wedding
and she’d like him to be more involved with the plans. Jason feels frustrated
because Ann is always in a bad mood. They used to enjoy bike-riding and trying
out new restaurants together, but now Ann never has time for these activities. He’s
tried to stay out of wedding plans because he really doesn’t have any preferences
about the wedding and he wanted Ann to have the wedding that she likes.
Step Two in the negotiation process is to identify the problem from both perspectives.
What might Ann and Jason say were their perspectives? (Also remember
Step One that instructs them to make the negotiation pleasant and safe, protecting
each other from Love Busters.)
Ann:
Jason:
Step Three in the negotiation process is to brainstorm with abandon. What
might Ann and Jason identify as possible ways to solve the problem (try to identify
at least five)?
Session Three Handout
Personal History
Questionnaire
Please answer all of the following questions as honestly and thoughtfully as possible. If your answer
requires additional space, use another sheet of paper.
When answering these questions, it is important to remember the Rule of Honesty and its five
parts:
The Rule of Honesty for Successful Marriage
Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know—your thoughts, feelings,
habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future.
1. Emotional honesty: Reveal your emotional reactions—both positive and negative—to the events of
your life, particularly to your spouse’s behavior.
2. Historical honesty: Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate
personal weakness and failure.
3. Current honesty: Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar
of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your spouse.
4. Future honesty: Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives.
5. Complete honesty: Do not leave your spouse with a false impression about your thoughts, feelings,
habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, or plans for the future. Do not deliberately keep
personal information from your spouse.
I agree to consider this information confidential and will not share any information revealed in
this questionnaire to anyone without my spouse’s permission. I also agree to reward honesty and not
punish my spouse for revealing any new information to me that I may find upsetting.
Signature: _______________________________________________
Date___________________
Health History
List childhood diseases, injuries, or operations: ___________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
List past adult diseases, injuries, or operations: ___________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
List present medical problems (include high blood pressure, arthritis, migraine headaches, etc.):
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
When did you have your last complete physical examination?
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What were the results? Did the doctor find a medical problem or are you generally in good health?
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How long does it usually take you to fall asleep when you go to bed at night? ____________
How many hours do you usually sleep? __________
How often do you awaken during the night? _______________
How long does it take to get back to sleep? _______________
How many pounds have you gained and/or lost in the past year? ___________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe any of your past and present diet programs:_ ____________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe your current exercise program:_________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What drugs do you presently take, what dosages, how often, and for what conditions?________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Have you ever been hospitalized or received therapy for a mental disorder? If so, list hospital(s) and/or
therapist(s) and approximate dates:_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Do you now have or have you ever had venereal disease? If so, when and what were the conditions?____
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
For the wife: When did you have your first period? _______ Are your periods regular? _______ Are they
comfortable? _______ Do they cause you to feel depressed, anxious, or irritable? ______
Family History
Mother’s name: _____________________________________________________________________________
age:______ occupation:___________________ education:___________________________________________
How did she punish you?______________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How did she reward you?______________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What behaviors did she punish?_ _______________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What behaviors did she reward?________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How would others describe your mother?________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How would you describe your mother?__________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What activities did you do with your mother when you were a child?________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How did you get along with your mother?_______________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Father’s name: ______________________________________________________________________________
age:______ occupation:_____________________ education:_________________________________________
How did he punish you?_______________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How did he reward you?_______________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What behaviors did he punish?_________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What behaviors did he reward?_________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How would others describe your father?_________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How would you describe your father?_ __________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What activities did you do with your father when you were a child?_________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How did you get along with your father?_ _______________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
For each of your brother(s) and sister(s), give name, birth date, and how you got along with him/her
when you were growing up together:___________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Does (did) your mother or father favor one child? If so, who and why do you think they favored that
child?_______________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Are your mother and father divorced? If so, how old were you and what do you know about the reasons
they divorced?________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How do (did) your mother and father get along?_ ________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Was your father or mother (or both) alcoholic? If so, how did it affect your childhood?________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe any instances of physical violence or sexual advances inflicted on you by a parent or siblings
when you were a child.________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
If you were raised by a stepparent or foster parents, please describe your most important experiences
with them.___________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Educational History
What preschool(s) did you attend?______________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe any significant experiences there:_______________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What elementary school(s) did you attend?_ _____________________________________________________
Were you a good student?______ Describe any significant experiences at your elementary school:
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What middle and/or secondary school(s) did you attend?__________________________________________
What were your grades?______ Describe any significant experiences at your middle school or secondary
school:______________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What college(s) or vocational school(s) did you attend?____________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What were your grades?______ Describe any significant experiences at college or vocational school:_____
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What was your major or specialization?__________________________________________________________
Give degree and date earned:__________________________________________________________________
What postgraduate school(s) did you attend?_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What were your grades?______ Describe any significant experiences in postgraduate school:
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What was your major?_________________________________________________________________________
Give degree and date earned:__________________________________________________________________
Describe sports or other extracurricular activities in which you participated, awards you received, and
musical instruments you played, throughout your education:_______________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What are your future educational plans?_________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Vocational History
List the jobs you have held, giving the present or most recent job first. For each job, give the dates
you were employed, your job title and salary, and what you liked and disliked about the job.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How often do you miss work at jobs you enjoy? __________________________________________________
At jobs you dislike? ___________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe how well you get along with your fellow employees:
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe how well you get along with your supervisor(s):__________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What training or education have you had that is relevant to your present occupation?_________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Does your job satisfy you intellectually? Yes/No
Emotionally? Yes/No Physically? Yes/No
What are your vocational ambitions?____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What were your childhood interests and hobbies?_________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What are your present leisure time interests and hobbies?__________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Religious History
What is the name of your religion?______________________________________________________________
Describe your most important religious beliefs:___________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How do your religious beliefs influence the decisions you make in your life?__________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
List your religious activities (prayer, study, meetings, etc.) and how frequently you participate in each
one:_________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe how your religious beliefs and those of your parents affected your childhood:________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe any differences between your religious beliefs and those of your spouse:_____________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe any important changes in your religious beliefs during your lifetime:_ _______________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Opposite Sex Relationship History
List all significant opposite-sex relationships you had prior to high school and give the person’s name,
your age, and the person’s age during the relationship, and the duration of the relationship. Indicate if
you were in love and if you had a sexual relationship (use separate sheet of paper if needed):__________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
List all significant opposite-sex relationships you had during high school and give the person’s name,
your age, and the person’s age during the relationship, and the duration of the relationship. Indicate if
you were in love and if you had a sexual relationship (use separate sheet of paper if needed):__________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
List all significant opposite-sex relationships you had after high school and give the person’s name, your
age, and the person’s age during the relationship, and the duration of the relationship. Indicate if you
were in love and if you had a sexual relationship (use separate sheet of paper if needed):_______________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
If you have been divorced, give the name of your former spouse, date married, date divorced, reason for
divorce, what you liked most and disliked most about the person, and the names and birth dates of children
(use seperate sheet of paper if needed):_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
If you have been widowed, give the name of your spouse, date married, date and cause of spouse’s
death, what you liked most and disliked most about your spouse, and the names and birth dates of children
(use separate sheet of paper if needed):_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Sexual History
When and how did you first learn about sex?_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How did your parents influence your attitude regarding sex?_______________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What was your parents’ attitude concerning sex? (Circle one of the following.)
1. Sex was shameful and not to be discussed.
2. Sex was not shameful but it wasn’t discussed.
3. Sex was shameful but was also discussed.
4. Sex was not shameful and was freely discussed.
Describe your first sexual experience:____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe your most important sexual experiences and how they influenced the way you think about sex
today:_______________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
When and how did you first experience sexual arousal and how did you feel about it?_________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
When and how did you first experience sexual climax and how did you feel about it?__________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
If you have ever masturbated, when did you start?________________________________________________
How often did you masturbate during childhood?________________________________________________
During adolescence?__________________________________________________________________________
What sexual fantasies do you have when you masturbate?_ ________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
When did you first have sexual intercourse and how did the experience affect you?___________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
With how many people have you had sexual intercourse?__________________________________________
Have you ever:
had sexual experiences with or fantasies about being treated violently? Yes/No
had sexual experiences with or fantasies about treating others violently? Yes/No
exposed yourself or desired to expose yourself in public? Yes/No
had sexual contact with children or desired to have sexual contact with children? Yes/No
Have you ever been in legal trouble because of your sexual behavior? If so, please describe the behavior
and circumstances.____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Have you ever had an extramarital sexual relationship(s)? If so, please describe it._____________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Have you ever had a homosexual experience(s)? If so, please describe it._____________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Personal Assessment
Describe some of your fears:____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe faults you think you have:______________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe your good characteristics:______________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
If you ever have any of the thoughts given below, check the frequency of occurrence:
Type of thought hardly ever occasionally frequently
I am lonely. ____ ____ ____
The future is hopeless. ____ ____ ____
Nobody cares about me. ____ ____ ____
I feel like killing myself. ____ ____ ____
I am a failure. ____ ____ ____
I am intellectually inferior. ____ ____ ____
I am going to faint. ____ ____ ____
I am going to panic. ____ ____ ____
People don’t usually like
me. ____ ____ ____
Other negative thoughts you may have occasionally or frequently:__________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Indicate the degree that the following problems are a concern to you using this scale:
X = concern in the past, not now
0 = never a concern
1 = very slight degree of concern
2 = mild degree of concern
3 = moderate degree of concern
4 = severe degree of concern
5 = very severe degree of concern
sadness
suicidal feelings
loss of energy
low self-esteem
isolation and loneliness
sleep disturbance
headaches
dizziness
angry feelings
mood swings
verbal or emotional abuse
physical abuse
sexual abuse
financial problems
career problems
marital problems
parent/child problems
Goals for Personal Improvement
Below is a list of bad habits and uncomfortable feelings that may include some that are making you feel
anxious and depressed. Check off any habits or uncomfortable feelings that you would like to change:
____ drinking alcoholic beverages too much
____ smoking too much
____ using drugs too much—name the drug(s) _ _________________________________________________
____ eating too much
____ exercising too little
____ feeling too much attraction to members of my own sex
____ feeling too much attraction to members of the opposite sex
____ feeling nauseated when nervous
____ thinking depressing thoughts
____ feeling anxious in crowds
____ feeling anxious in high places
____ worrying about my health
____ feeling anxious in airplanes
____ stuttering
____ washing my hands too often
____ cleaning and straightening things up too often
____ biting my fingernails
____ being careless of my physical appearance
____ feeling anxious in enclosed places
____ feeling anxious in open places
____ being too afraid of blood
____ feeling anxious about contamination or germs
____ feeling anxious about being alone
____ feeling afraid of darkness
____ feeling afraid of certain animals
____ thinking the same thoughts over and over
____ counting my heartbeats
____ hearing voices
____ feeling people are against me or out to get me
____ seeing visions or objects that aren’t really there
____ wetting the bed at night or having difficulty controlling my bladder
____ having difficulty controlling my bowel movement
____ taking too much medicine
____ having too many headaches
____ gambling too much
____ being unable to fall asleep at night
____ exposing my body to strangers
____ wearing clothes of the opposite sex
____ feeling sexually attracted to other people’s clothing or belongings
____ feeling sexually attracted to children
____ feeling sexually attracted to animals
____ feeling a sexual desire to hurt other people
____ feeling a sexual desire to be hurt or humiliated
____ feeling a nonsexual desire to hurt other people
____ feeling a nonsexual desire to be hurt or humiliated
____ stealing or a desire to steal
____ lying
____ yelling at people when I’m angry
____ poor management of money
____ saying foolish things to people
____ having difficulty carrying on a conversation with people
____ bothering or irritating people too much
____ forgetfulness
____ contemplating suicide
____ setting fires or a desire to set fires
____ difficulty being steadily employed
____ feeling uncomfortable at work
____ swearing
____ being too upset when criticized by others
____ having difficulty expressing feelings
____ putting things off that need to be done
____ thinking things that cause guilty feelings
____ feeling anxious when work is being supervised
____ feeling anxious about sexual thoughts
____ feeling anxious about kissing
____ feeling anxious about petting
____ feeling anxious about sexual intercourse
____ having difficulty making decisions when they need to be made
____ feeling uncomfortable with groups of people
____ feeling anxious about: ____________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
____ feeling depressed about: __________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
____ feeling guilty about: ______________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
____ being unable to control my desire to: _ _____________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
How do you plan to change the habits and/or uncomfortable feelings checked above?
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Session Four Handout
Honesty Worksheet I
Sometimes it’s difficult to share concerns with your partner without wrapping your
honesty in Love Busters—especially when it comes to situations where you have
a strong opinion. Let’s look at a situation that needs honesty, but might lead to
Love Buster behavior.
Situation: Mary’s Desire
Dennis has been dressing for an on-going, weekly Bible study wearing sandals,
shorts, and an old t-shirt. Mary doesn’t like how he’s dressing and would like him
to dress a little nicer. What should she do?
Option A: Say nothing and let it go—accepting him for who he is.
Option B: Tell him that he’s a slob and he must change immediately or else!
Option C: Tell him, “I’d love it if you’d wear this instead. How would you feel
about that idea?” If he doesn’t agree, then ask him if he’s willing to negotiate
another outfit.
Option D: Have the outfit mysteriously disappear from the face of the earth.
Discussion
1. Identify the option that would keep the Promise of Honesty. _____
2. Identify the option that would keep the Promise of Protection. _____
3. Identify the Love Buster(s) in the following options:
Option A: _______________________
Option B: _______________________
Option D: _______________________
4. How would these Love Busters affect Dennis?
Situation: Dennis Responds
If Mary chooses Option C, how could Dennis respond to Mary’s honesty?
Option A: Tell her that she is too concerned about what people think and
perhaps she should consider individual counseling to get over her anxiety.
Option B: Tell her “okay” and do whatever she wants him to do—even if it
causes him discomfort every time they go to the Bible study.
Option C: Tell her “okay” to get her off his back, but continue wearing what
he wants to wear.
Option D: Tell her “Thank you for being honest with me.” Then a) “I would be
happy to wear something different—I really don’t care what I wear”; or (b)
“Let’s go to the closet and pick out outfits that we both like. And if we can’t
find anything, let’s go out and buy a couple of outfits together.”
Discussion
1. Identify the option that would value Mary’s honesty. _____
2. Identify the option that would keep the Promise of Protection. _____
3. Identify the Love Buster(s) in the following options:
Option A: _______________________
Option B: _______________________
Option C: _______________________
Session Four Handout
Honesty Worksheet II
Honesty sounds easy. But in real life relationships, it can be difficult to put into
practice—especially when you know that your honesty may anger or hurt your
partner. Take a look at the following scenario, and discuss how honesty—or lack
thereof—would impact the relationship:
Situation: Pam’s Action
Pam came home with a new watch—it was a great deal, but still very expensive!
The problem was that she and Dan had agreed to start saving money for a
vacation. And this wasn’t the first “deal” Pam had bought since their agreement.
Pam knew Dan should have been asked first, but someone else in the store was
eager to buy it. So, she acted upon her instinct and made an independent decision.
Pam could:
Option A: Hide the watch and bring it out later. Then if Dan asks about it, she
can honestly tell him that it was something she bought a while ago.
Option B: Tell Dan that she bought the watch.
Option C: Buy something for Dan to make it “fair,” then after she gives it to
him, tell him that she also bought something for herself.
Discussion
1. What do you think Pam would feel tempted to do?
2. Which option would keep the Promise of Honesty?
3. Which option would keep the Promise of Protection?
4. What negative consequences could result if Pam decides to be dishonest?
Situation: Dan’s Reaction
If Pam was honest about the watch, Dan could:
Option A: Tell her that she was irresponsible and demand that she not have
access to their money until she can show more responsibility.
Option B: Get upset and give her the silent treatment for a few days to make
her pay for the thoughtless act.
Option C: Thank her for being honest and suggest that they create a plan to
overcome unplanned spending.
Discussion
1. What would Dan be tempted to do if Pam was honest about purchasing the
watch?
2. What option would value Pam’s honesty and keep the Promise of
Protection?
3. What negative consequences could result if Dan responds to Pam’s honesty
with Love Busters?
4. If Dan and Pam negotiate a plan to overcome unplanned spending, what are
some possible brainstorming options for solving this problem? (Remember
to give options that are in the best interests of both of them.)
Session Four Handout
Recreational Enjoyment
Inventory
Please indicate how much you enjoy, or think you might enjoy, each recreational activity listed
below. In the space provided by each activity, under the appropriate column (husband’s or wife’s),
circle one of the following numbers to reflect your feelings: 3 = very enjoyable; 2 = enjoyable; 1
= somewhat enjoyable; 0 = no feelings one way or the other; –1 = somewhat unpleasant; –2 =
unpleasant; –3 = very unpleasant. Add to the list, in the spaces provided, activities that you would
enjoy that are not listed. In the third column, add the ratings of both you and your spouse only if
both ratings are positive. The activities with the highest sum are those that you should select when
planning recreational time together.
Activity Husband’s Rating Wife’s Rating Total Rating
Acting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Aerobic exercise –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Amusement parks –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Antique collecting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Archery –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Astronomy –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Auto customizing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Auto racing (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Badminton –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Baseball (playing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Baseball (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Basketball (playing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Basketball (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Bible study –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Bicycling –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Boating –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Bodybuilding –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Bowling –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Boxing (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Bridge –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Camping –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Canasta –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Canoeing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Checkers –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Chess –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Church services –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Coin collecting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Computer games –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Activity Husband’s Rating Wife’s Rating Total Rating
Computer programming –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Computer ______ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Concerts (classical music) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Concerts (country music) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Concerts (rock music) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Cribbage –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Croquet –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Dancing (ballroom) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Dancing (rock) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Dancing (square) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Dancing (_________) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Dining out –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Fishing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Flying (as passenger) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Flying (as pilot) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Football (playing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Football (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Gardening –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Genealogical research –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Golf –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Ham radio –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Handball –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Hiking –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Hockey (playing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Hockey (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Horseback riding –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Horse racing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Horseshoe pitching –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Horse shows (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Hot air ballooning –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Hunting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Ice fishing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Ice skating –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Jogging –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Judo –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Karate –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Knitting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Metalwork –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Model building –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Monopoly –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Mountain climbing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Movies –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Museums –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Opera –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Painting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Photography –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Pinochle –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Plays –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Poetry (writing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Activity Husband’s Rating Wife’s Rating Total Rating
Polo (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Pool (or billiards) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Quilting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Racquetball –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Remodeling (home) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Rock collecting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Roller-skating –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Rowing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Rummy –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Sailing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Sculpting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Shooting (pistol) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Shooting (skeet, trap) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Shopping (clothes) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Shopping (groceries) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Shopping (vehicles) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Shopping (_________) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Shuffleboard –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Sightseeing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Singing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Skiing (cross-country) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Skiing (downhill) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Skiing (water) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Skin diving (snorkeling) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Skydiving –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Snowmobiling –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Softball (playing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Softball (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Spearfishing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Stamp collecting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Surfing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Swimming –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Table tennis –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Taxidermy –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Television –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Tennis –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Tobogganing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Video games –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Video movies (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Video production –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Volleyball –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Weaving –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Woodworking –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Wrestling (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Yachting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Activity Husband’s Rating Wife’s Rating Total Rating
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Time for Undivided Attention Worksheet
For the Week of _______________________
Please report the time you give undivided attention to each other. You must be without friends, relatives, or children and must use the time to engage in conversation,
affection, sex, or recreational activities that promote undivided attention.
First, schedule time to be together by completing the Planned Time Together part of this report. The total for the week should add up to fifteen hours or more. Then,
as the week unfolds, complete the Actual Time Together part of the report. The estimate of time actually given to undivided attention depends on how each of you feels
about the attention given. While you may have been together for two hours, one of you may feel only half of the time was given to undivided attention, while the other
may feel that the entire two hours qualified. Because of this common difference of opinion, each of you is to provide your own estimate. In the last column, the lower
estimate is to be entered. If the planned activity was canceled, explain why under Actual Activities.
At the end of the week, the total of the Lower Estimate column should be entered on the Time for Undivided Attention Graph. It should be fifteen hours or more if
you want to sustain romantic love in your marriage.
Planned Time Together Actual Time Together
Planned Date
Planned Time
(from–to)
Total Planned
Time Planned Activities Actual Activities Her Estimate His Estimate
Lower
Estimate
______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______
______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______
______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______
______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______
______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______
______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______
______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______
Total Time for the Week _______ Total Time for the Week ______
Time for Undivided Attention Graph
Session Four Handout
Hours of Undivided Attention
30
25
20
15
10
5
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Weeks
Session Five Handout
Priority Time
1. List the five most important priorities in your life. What’s most important to
you?
2. List your current activities in a typical weekday (exclude work and sleeprelated
activities) and list the approximate amount of time you spend each
week engaging in the activity. Remember to include down-time activities,
like TV watching and recreational computer time.
ACTIVITY TIME
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
Couple Discussion
3. Are your highest priorities reflected in the way you’re currently spending your
time? Are there any priorities that are being neglected in your schedule?
4. How much time are you currently spending with your partner? Is this a high
priority?
5. Do you think it will be easier or more difficult to spend time with each other
after you are married? What additional activities/responsibilities may make
it difficult to spend quality time together in the future?
6. What could you do to ensure that your highest priorities in life are represented
in your daily schedule?
Session Five Handout
Time for Love Worksheet
Life is busy, and even the most well-intentioned couples can find it difficult to keep the Promise of
Time. It often takes creative scheduling to find 15 hours each week.
After reviewing the following scenario, identify possible scheduling ideas for Joe and Sherry to reach
their goal of 15 hours for undivided attention.
Scenario
Joe and Sherry have full-time jobs and a 2-year-old child, Mary. Responsibilities with family, work, church,
and friends have given them only 2–4 hours of time alone each week and they are both feeling neglected.
Additional information to consider: Mary is currently sleeping in their bed and usually goes to sleep when
they do at 10 and wakes up when they do at 6; Joe’s mother lives 15 minutes away and has offered to pick
up Mary from day care and bring her home at 8 every Wednesday night; they have four hours per week of
babysitting expenses allocated in their budget.
Scheduling Ideas
Fold Here
Joe and Sherry’s Plan
Discuss together what Sherry and Joe decided to do:
They prepared a separate bed for Mary and gradually helped her adjust to a regular bedtime of 9:00.
This gave them 20 to 30 minutes together every night. (2.25 hours)
Since they were tired at night, they went to sleep 30 minutes earlier and woke up 45 minutes earlier
each weekday morning, using the morning time for undivided attention. (3.75 hours)
They talked to each other on the telephone for 5 minutes every morning, noon, and afternoon during
their weekdays (1.25 hours).
They sat on the sofa after dinner while Mary watched a 15-minute child video each weekday. (1.25
hours)
A babysitter came every Saturday morning from 9:00 to 11:00 and they went for coffee before
grocery shopping together. She also came Sunday afternoons from 2:00 to 4:00 when they did
a special recreational outing. (4 hours).
When Mary naps on Saturday, they dedicate 1 hour for undivided attention (1 hour).
They go out for dinner on Wednesday nights when Joe’s mom babysits Mary (1.5 hours).
If needed, they spent 20 minutes of their lunch times at work together on the phone. (1.75)
Session Five Handout
Feedback Time
Instructions: Thoroughly read the guidelines listed below. Then, using these guidelines
with your partner, evaluate your effectiveness and fine-tune your promise-fulfilling
plan to meet your partner’s most important emotional needs and eliminate your Love
Busters.
These guidelines provide a basic structure to help fine-tune the way you give
the Promise of Care and the Promise of Protection.
1. Create a pleasant and comfortable environment.
2. The goal of this exercise is to fine-tune your plans to give the Promise of Care
and the Promise of Protection. You will review how you are meeting each
other’s emotional needs and avoiding Love Busters, and you will gather
feedback for improvement.
3. To review the Promise of Care, one person will begin by stating his or her
partner’s first emotional need from the Agreement to Meet the Most
Important Emotional Needs. He or she will explain the specific behaviors
being done to meet that need and then ask, “How do those behaviors affect
your feelings for me and how could I improve the quality or quantity of what I
am doing?” After feedback is received, the other person will complete the
same process for his or her partner’s first emotional need. After each person
has reviewed and received feedback, then the same process will be used for
the remaining four needs. It is recommended that notes are taken for future
feedback times. Try to complete this review in less than 30 minutes.
4. To review the Gift of Protection, take turns reviewing each Love Buster you
are trying to eliminate as indicated on the Agreement to Overcome
Love Busters. Describe the changes being made and ask, “Are you feeling
protected or are my current actions still causing you unhappiness?” If the
feedback regarding the elimination of your Love Buster is positive, continue
your current plan of protection. If the feedback indicates that the Love Buster
still needs work, try to a) add to or change the plan to eliminate the Love
Buster, b) review your plan more often (e.g., at least once a day), and/or c)
look for a group, counselor, or friend who can help with accountability and
encouragement as you work toward eliminating the Love Buster. It is recommended
that notes are taken for future feedback times. Try to complete this
review in less than 30 minutes.
5. Remember, your feedback must be given with care. Avoid being disrespectful,
critical, or demanding. You should give information about the quality (the
way the specific behavior meets the need) and quantity (how often and how
much time the desired behavior is given). Try to suggest what you would
like (i.e., specific desired behavior). For example, “I would love it if you could
call me three times a day,” (quantity) or “I would love it if you hugged me
like this” (quality).
6. If the way you are trying to meet your partner’s emotional need(s) is not
mutually appealing, then discover other ways to meet the need(s). You may
consider trying an option for a short period of time. But if it is uncomfortable
for either of you after the trial period, avoid doing it in the future.
7. Schedule another feedback time in one week and then every month for your entire
marriage (on the 1st of each month). Subsequent reviews should take less time
and can be less structured. But remember, needs change and thoughtless
habits may return. By committing to a short review once a month, you will
stay on the promise-keeping track.
Session Six Handout
Promises of Love:
Ready to Go!
During the previous sessions, you’ve learned a lot about the Four Promises of
Love—and how to build a marriage that can last a lifetime. Take the next few
minutes to talk about each of the four promises and summarize what you’ve
learned. With these lessons and goals on hand, you’ll be ready follow the recipe
for a lifetime of love together!
The Promise of Care: I promise to be your primary source of happiness by
meeting your most important emotional needs.
What we’ve learned:
Our goals:
The Promise of Protection: I promise to avoid being the cause of your
unhappiness. The Gift of Protection provides protection from thoughtless/selfish
tendencies that tempt us to gain at each other’s expense, or worse yet, to deliberately
try to hurt each other.
What we’ve learned:
Our goals:
The Promise of Honesty: I promise to be honest with you.
What we’ve learned:
Our goals:
The Promise of Time: I promise to take time to give you my undivided
attention.
What we’ve learned:
Our goals:
Session Six Handout
A Parting Wish
The purpose of this class was for you to build a terrific relationship with your
fiancé(e). But there’s more! Most couples that end up with a troubled marriage
were once very much in love, just like you are now. But instead of preserving that
love, their actions lead to disastrous consequences—infidelity, mental and physical
abuse, and emotional abandonment. Once these couples learn how to live out
the promises of Care, Protection, Honesty, and Time, they find their marriage
returning to solid ground. Many end up thinking, I wish we had followed the Four
Promises of Love years ago.
Fortunately, you now have the tools to build a solid marriage right from the
start: If you make it a priority to give your fiancé(e) the Four Promises of Love
throughout your marriage, you can enjoy being in love with each other for all
the years ahead.
So as you approach your wedding day, here are some parting words of advice
to help you live out the Four Promises of Love:
1. You will have choice points in your life—when to have a child, what job
to take, where to move, what budget to follow, what to do this weekend,
whether or not to join a sports team, etc. With every decision, make it
your goal to keep romantic love in your marriage. Make the Four
Promises of Love your life’s template. For example, if you are thinking about
a particular job, ask yourselves: Will we be able to maintain our daily time
together? Will we be able to care for each other? Will we be able to maintain
an honest relationship? Will we be able to maintain a caring relationship with
God? By following this template, many tragic outcomes can be avoided.
2. Bells and whistles don’t sound off when you have taken a path that leads
to tragedy. That’s why you should keep a regularly scheduled review
time throughout your engagement and marriage. Mark your calendars for
a regular time each month. Then use this review to receive feedback and
remind yourself to keep the Four Promises of Love. It’s easy to get out of
thoughtful habits and into thoughtless ones. You will need continual reminders
to stay on track. And a habit of reviewing the Four Promises of Love will
allow you to make critical lifestyle adjustments before troubles arise in your
relationship.
3. Protect your Love Bank. Falling in love with someone other than your
spouse is easier than you think. As a matter of fact, you’re wired to have an
affair, and most marriages suffer the tragic consequences! It starts innocently,
by regularly allowing someone to meet your most important emotional
needs (i.e., talking together, showing acts of kindness, sharing a recreational
activity). If you give someone of the opposite gender time to meet your
most important emotional needs, they will make Love Bank deposits. And
the greater the Love Bank account becomes, the more difficult it is to resist
an affair. Here are some rules to help you guard your Love Bank:
Spend most of your recreational time either alone or with your spouse.
Avoid recreational activities with someone who could build Love Bank balances
by simply being with you when you are enjoying yourself.
Inform your spouse if you are developing an attraction toward
someone.
If someone tells you that he or she finds you attractive, be prepared to
tell them how much you love your spouse. Then tell your spouse about the
situation.
Avoid talking about personal matters or feelings with someone of the
opposite gender.
If you want to care for someone of the opposite gender, do it only with
your spouse present.
If your spouse’s job or your job requires travel, use additional precautions
to avoid increased vulnerability and opportunity (i.e., avoid alcohol use that
would lower your inhibitions).
4. We aren’t perfect. This isn’t a major revelation—we all know that there are
days that we don’t do what we promise to do. And you and your fiancé(e)
won’t keep your four Promises of Love perfectly either. You’ll occasionally
make a thoughtless decision, you’ll let something interfere with your time
together, or you’ll blurt out a disrespectful judgment. The scheduled reviews
mentioned above should keep you from straying too far off the Promises of
Love path. But when this happens, you will need to learn how to “re-up.”
It’s a military term that means “to re-enlist for service.” If you start to stray
from the path, be prepared to “re-up” or re-enlist to fulfill your promises
to your fiancé(e). A commitment to “re-up” will help keep you giving and
receiving these Gifts of Love.
Congratulations on completing your counseling! And best wishes for your wedding
day and the marriage that follows.
About the Author of I Promise You
Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD, is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor. Over the
past thirty-five years he has helped thousands of couples overcome marital conflict and
restore their love for each other. His innovative counseling methods are described in the
books and articles he writes. Dr. Harley also leads training workshops for couples and marriage
counselors and has appeared on thousands of radio and television programs.
Willard Harley and Joyce, his wife of forty-three years, live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota.
They are the parents of two married children who are also marriage counselors.
Be sure to visit Dr. Harley’s website at www.marriagebuilders.com.
Right to Information now!!!
Fight for your control
Thursday, January 22
I Promise You
A Leader’s Guide based on
I Promise You
Preparing For a Marriage
That Will Last a Lifetime
by
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Materials adapted from The Four Gifts of Love Workbook and Leader’s Guide by
Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers.
Contents
Before You Begin 5
Overview of Lessons
Getting Ready to Counsel
Session One: Introduction 7
Opening Activity: Welcome and Introduction
Review Reading Assignment
Exercise: The Great Impact
Closing
Session Two: The Gift of Care 10
Opening Activity: Happiest Place Exercise
Review Reading Assignment
Exercise: The Birthday Gift
Closing
Session Three: The Gift of Protection 14
Opening Activity: On the Menu
Review Reading Assignment
Exercise: Identifying Love Busters Worksheet
Exercise: Finding Options
Closing
Session Four: The Gift of Honesty 18
Opening Activity: Honesty Worksheet I
Review Reading Assignment
Exercise: Honesty Worksheet II
Closing
Contents
Session Five: The Gift of Time 21
Opening Activity: Priority Time
Review Reading Assignment
Exercise: Time for Love Worksheet
Closing
Session Six: Review 24
Opening Activity: Coffee or Tea?
Review and Questions
Review the Policies of Mutual Agreement and Radical Honesty Handouts
Closing
Handouts 29
About the Author
Before You Begin
This guide contains lessons for six sessions to guide couples through the concepts from
I Promise You. In week one you will introduce the topics that you will look at more in
depth over the next few weeks, and in week six you will wrap up everything you have
learned. In every other session you will find activities, exercises, and discussion questions
that follow the book. Although each lesson may vary slightly, the following is a
suggested time allotment for each section.
Opening Activity 15 minutes
Review Reading Assignment 20 minutes
Exercise(s) 15–20 minutes
Closing 5 minutes
Note: Each assignment and lesson in this leader’s guide has been carefully crafted to
enhance the participants’ learning process. Therefore, it’s important to use each piece
of this curriculum as presented.
Overview of Lessons
Session 1: Introduction
• Introduces the Love Bank—and how couples make deposits into and withdrawals
from each other’s accounts.
• Discusses the differences between romantic love and caring love.
Session 2: The Gift of Care
• Introduces the concept of emotional needs in marriage.
• Identifies the ten most common emotional needs of marriage.
• Discusses ways of meeting emotional needs within marriage.
• Explains the importance of meeting emotional needs in mutually enjoyable
ways.
• Provides couples with the opportunity to identify and share their emotional needs
with each other.
I Promise You • Study Guide
Session 3: The Gift of Protection
• Identifies behaviors—called Love Busters—that destroy love.
• Presents the Policy of Joint Agreement.
• Reviews four guidelines for negotiation to help couples find mutually agreeable
solutions to problems or disagreements.
• Provides couples with the opportunity to identify, discuss, and overcome Love
Busters in their relationships.
Session 4: The Gift of Honesty
• Presents the Policy of Radical Honesty.
• Reviews the Five Parts of Honesty.
• Provides couples with the opportunity to practice honesty with each other.
Session 5: The Gift of Time
• Presents the Policy of Undivided Attention.
• Explains the need for couples to spend at least 15 hours a week offering undivided
attention to each other.
• Provides recommendations for how to schedule time for undivided attention.
Session 6: Review
• Reviews the Four Promises of Care, Protection, Honesty, and Time.
• Reviews the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty.
Getting Ready to Counsel
About one week prior to your first session, distribute a copy of I Promise You to each
participant. Instruct them to read chapter 1 and, as a couple, to answer the chapter’s
“Talk about This” questions.
Also note the “Preparation” section for each lesson; this is a list of handouts and
materials you will need to prepare ahead of time.
As the leader, your obvious role is to help guide participants through the lessons. But
your most important role is to encourage the couples to complete their assignments.
What couples do during your session is not as important as what they did during the
previous week. Each lesson is carefully designed to expand upon and apply the concepts
presented in I Promise You. It’s important to encourage couples to come prepared with
assignments completed.
Session One:
Introduction
Preparation:
• Print copies (1 per couple unless otherwise indicated) of the following:
2 Couple Information Sheet
2 Lesson Overview
2 Assignment Checklist (1 per person)
2 The Great Impact
2 Emotional Needs Questionnaire (1 per person)
2 Agreement to Meet the Most Important Emotional Needs
2 Evaluation Time: Emotional Needs
• Bring a pencil or pen for each person.
• Have a white board and markers available.
Opening Activity: Welcome and Introduction
Introduce yourself and welcome participants to the session. Share your excitement
about guiding them through I Promise You.
Distribute pens or pencils and the Couple Information Sheet, asking couples
to complete the handout by the end of the session. Get to know the participants by
encouraging them to share some information about themselves, such as their hobbies,
how they met, and what their families are like.
Distribute the Lesson Overview to each couple. Read through the handout and
explain that each lesson will build on the previous one, so attendance and assignment
completion are important.
Distribute the Assignment Checklist to each person. Reading through the handout
is not necessary; simply explain the importance of completing the reading and activity
assignments prior to each session. Each “day” assignment will take about 30 to 45
minutes to complete, so it’s best to spread the assignments out on separate days.
I Promise You • Study Guide
Review Reading Assignment
1. What are the four key promises that Dr. Harley encourages you to make to each
other?
Care, Protection, Honesty, and Time.
2. What is a Love Bank and how does it affect the way we feel about others?
The Love Bank is the way our emotions keep track of how people treat us. Good
experiences deposit “love units,” leading us to like or even love a person. Bad
experiences withdraw love units, leading us to dislike or even hate a person.
3. How is the feeling of romantic love created? And what can cause that feeling to
be lost?
When you have received a certain amount of deposits from someone of the opposite
gender (i.e., the romantic-love threshold is reached), the feeling of romantic love will
be triggered. If Love Bank balances fall below that threshold, you will lose the feeling
of romantic love—you will like the person, but you will not be in love.
4. How do we come to dislike someone we once loved?
If love units continue to be withdrawn, eventually your Love Bank balance will reach
zero, and you will neither like nor dislike the person. When their accounts reach
negative territory, you dislike them. When a large number of love units have been
withdrawn (i.e., the hate threshold is reached), you will hate that person.
5. What is the difference between romantic love and caring love? Why do you need
to have caring love in a marriage?
Romantic love is a feeling. Caring love is a decision. Caring love is the willingness to
take time and effort to make someone happy or to give the Four Promises of Love.
Without caring love, it is impossible to preserve your feelings of romantic love.
6. Should keeping the Four Promises of Love depend on how you feel for each
other?
We can’t control our feelings, but we can control what we do with them. It’s easier
to give caring love to someone we like, but even when we dislike someone, we can
make the decision to give caring love. Romantic love is a feeling that may rise and
fall during marriage. But caring love is a commitment to follow through with your
Promises of Love, no matter how you feel.
Exercise: The Great Impact
Explain that this class will help participants learn how to keep the Promises of Love in
their marriage relationship: Why is it important to keep those promises for a lifetime? We
know a marriage relationship is important, but do you really know its impact throughout
life? This exercise will help you see the great impact that marriage will have on you.
Session One: Introduction
Distribute The Great Impact handout to each couple. Instruct them to take five
minutes to answer the questions together. Then discuss these questions:
1. How many areas of impact or influence did you identify? (Ask each couple to
give their total number.)
2. What are those areas? (Write down their responses on a white board. Possible
answers include: family—immediate and extended, friends—close and extended,
children—young and old, ministry, job, career choice, finances, personal health,
society, happiness, emotions, social skills, rules of life, hobbies, government,
community discipline, goals, witness, decisions, energy, priorities, world view,
economy, legacy, relationship with God.)
3. Discuss further a few areas of impact. How does a marriage relationship affect each?
(e.g., personal health—when a marriage is in crisis, there is stress on the body,
physically and emotionally, which can affect one’s immune system; finances—a
couple’s standard of living can be higher with two paychecks versus one, but if
a couple is not making decisions together, finances can be negatively affected)
4. Do you think there is any other human relationship that compares to marriage in
terms of greatest impact? (If anyone identifies another relationship, list the areas
of impact and compare lists. Marriage should have more areas of impact.)
Summarize your findings: Clearly, your marriage will be the most influential human
relationship you will ever have in your lifetime. So it makes sense to learn how to make it
terrific . . . for a lifetime!
Closing
As you wrap up your first session, take a few minutes to do the following:
Review the time and date of your next session.
Review the second assignment from the Assignment Checklist. Advise participants
that the homework could take two to three hours to complete.
Distribute copies of the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, Agreement to Meet
the Emotional Needs, and Evaluation Time. These are needed for next week’s
assignments. Ask them to bring these forms back to your next session.
Collect the Couple Information Sheet.
Thank couples for their preparation and participation in the discussion.
*Note: It’s recommended for the leader to call, text, or email each participant a few
days before the next class to encourage assignment completion and attendance.
10
Session Two:
The Gift of Care
Preparation
• Print out copies of the following worksheets (1 per couple unless otherwise
indicated):
2 The Birthday Gift
2 Love Busters Questionnaire (1 per person)
2 Agreement to Overcome Love Busters
2 Evaluation Time: Love Busters
• Bring an index card and pen or pencil for each person in the class.
Opening Activity: Happiest Place Exercise
Welcome participants to this second session and tell them you’d like to start with a
brief activity that will help you get to know them better—and help them learn more
about each other.
Give each person an index card (include yourself in this activity) and have everyone
write down their answer to this question: Where is the happiest place on earth for you?
Encourage each participant to be specific (e.g., golf course, Disneyland, sofa in family
room, bed). When you’ve finished writing, share responses with each other and list
them on the white board. Then ask participants, “What makes your ‘happiest place
on earth’ happy for you?”
Wrap up this activity by asking, “Did you notice that we don’t all have the same
‘happiest place’?” and by making this brief point: We are different regarding what makes
us happy. Some places trigger intense feelings of happiness; some don’t. Similarly, when
your partner does a certain behavior, intense feelings of happiness will be triggered at that
moment, while other behaviors won’t trigger the same feeling. Your assignments this week
were designed to help you identify what will make you happy within your marital relation11
Session Two: The Gift of Care
ship. They also help you understand the importance of meeting each other’s emotional
needs, or being a source of happiness, as a response to your Promise of Care.
Review Reading Assignment
1. What does the Promise of Care mean?
I promise to be your primary source of happiness by meeting your most important
emotional needs. Care means what you do for each other.
2. What is an emotional need? Can you give an example of an emotional need?
An emotional need is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves us feeling happy and
content. When it’s unsatisfied, we feel unhappy and frustrated. Examples might
include a need for chocolate, watching sports, or receiving gifts on your birthday.
3. How will caring for each other help you stay in love?
When you meet each other’s emotional needs, you are making deposits in each
other’s Love Banks. When you make a habit of caring for each other this way, you will
keep enough “units” in your Love Banks to stay over the romantic love threshold.
4. What are the four most important emotional needs in marriage?
Affection, Sexual Fulfillment, Intimate Conversation, and Recreational
Companionship.
5. What are the six other common emotional needs in marriage?
Honesty, Physical Attractiveness, Financial Support, Domestic Support, Family
Commitment, and Admiration.
6. Why is it important for emotional needs to be met in ways that are mutually
enjoyable?
It’s important to strive for mutuality when meeting a need for a number of reasons:
(1) it’s difficult to sustain a habit that consistently causes pain, so to create a lifestyle
of consistently meeting each other’s needs, the manner in which you meet the need
will need to be enjoyable for it to continue; (2) not meeting needs in a mutually
enjoyable way leads to feelings of entitlement and resentment for the one who is
sacrificing (e,g, “I reluctantly went shopping with you for 10 hours to meet your
need of recreational companionship, now I get (fill in the blank) even though it
makes you unhappy); and (3) although it takes time to negotiate and a period of
trial and adjustment, couples can create habits and a routine that meet emotional
needs in mutually enjoyable ways. Couples do not want to get into a thoughtless
cycle of exchanging one person’s suffering for the other’s happiness. This only causes
problems and maladjustment.
7. Why is there a risk when someone of the opposite sex—besides your partner—
meets your most important emotional needs?
If another member of the opposite sex meets your most important emotional needs,
they will make so many deposits in your Love Bank that it could trigger the feelings
12
I Promise You • Study Guide
of romantic love. This is why it’s wise to make sure that those important emotional
needs are met by your partner exclusively.
8. What kind of lifestyle rules could you and your partner follow to prevent someone
else of the opposite gender from filling up your Love Banks and triggering feelings
of romantic love?
Note: Some suggestions are listed below, but answers may vary.
No recreational activities alone with someone of the opposite gender.
Don’t drive alone with someone of the opposite gender.
No conversation with someone of the opposite gender about the intimate details of
your life—feelings, family, marriage relationship, problems.
Develop same-gender friendships that can meet the needs of conversation,
recreational companionship, and affection when a spouse is unavailable (i.e., on a
trip or unable to meet needs due to chronic illness).
If you want to care for someone in a time of need, do it only with your spouse.
If your job requires you to travel, have an accountability partner of the same gender
to make sure you continue to protect your spouse from thoughtless behaviors, and
avoid anything that would lessen the ability to control yourself, like alcohol use.
If you find yourself attracted to someone else of the opposite gender, tell your spouse
and avoid contact with that person.
Know your needs—they are also your weaknesses and the easiest way people can
make deposits into your Love Bank.
If someone tells you that they are attracted to you, tell him/her that you love your
spouse and that your marriage is committed to a policy of radical honesty, and
run!
9. If you feel dissatisfied with the way your partner is meeting your needs, how
could you express it in a helpful way? What would be some healthy guidelines
for sharing these concerns with each other?
Use statements that give a specific, positive suggestion of what you would like. For
example, “I’d love it if you could call me a few times during the day.” Also it would be
helpful to schedule regular times during the year to evaluate need-meeting behaviors,
asking if they are hitting the mark regarding quality, quantity, and mutuality.
Exercise: The Birthday Gift
Distribute the Birthday Gift handout. Read through the handout and answer the
questions together.
13
Session Two: The Gift of Care
Closing
Before you close this session, do the following:
Review the time and date of your next session.
Review the third assignment from the Assignment Checklist. Advise participants
that the homework could take two to three hours to complete.
Distribute a copy of the Love Busters Questionnaire to each person and the
Agreement to Overcome Love Busters and Evaluation Time handout to
each couple. These are needed for next week’s assignment.
Thank participants for their preparation and participation in the discussion.
14
Session Three:
The Gift of Protection
Preparation
• Print copies of the following handouts (1 per couple unless otherwise
indicated):
2 Identifying Love Busters Worksheet
2 Finding Options
2 Personal History Questionnaire (1 per person)
• Bring a pen or pencil for each participant
• Bring the following supplies for the On-the-Menu exercise:
2 take-out menus from several area restaurants
2 one sheet of wide-ruled paper for each couple
Opening Activity: On the Menu
After welcoming participants, explain: As we are learning, negotiation is an essential
part of creating a compatible lifestyle. So this exercise is dedicated to helping you negotiate
with the Policy of Joint Agreement.
Distribute a take-out menu and pen or pencil to each couple. Tell them to imagine
that they must order two of the same meal from the menu. Take them step-by-step
through the four steps of negotiation as they select the meal they will order. Proceed
to the next step only after they’ve completed the current step.
Step One: Agree to make negotiation safe and pleasant. Instruct each partner
to say to the other, “I will make this negotiation pleasant and safe.”
Step Two: Identify the problem from both of your perspectives. Instruct
one person to share his or her perspective with the other in two to three sentences.
Give an example: “I like something that has a beefy taste and some vegetables. I don’t
15
Session Three: The Gift of Protection
like fish.” Then the listener restates what was heard. Instruct them to repeat this process
with the other person.
Step Three: Brainstorm. Pass out a piece of lined paper to each couple and instruct
them to write down brainstorm options. Remind them not to discuss any options, only
write them down.
Step Four: Pick the solution that is appealing to both of you. Instruct couples
to write their initials on the top left side margin of their paper and draw a vertical line
down the margin to separate the initials. Then instruct them to vote for each option using
a 1 to 5 rating scale (5 = extremely enthusiastic, 1 = not enthusiastic). Pick the option
that is enthusiastically agreed upon. If there isn’t an option that is mutually appealing,
brainstorm more solutions. Or you don’t get to eat! (The default key for the Policy of
Joint Agreement is not to do anything until there is an enthusiastic agreement.)
Ask each couple to share what they will be eating together. Then discuss the following
questions:
1. What did you learn about negotiating with the Policy of Joint Agreement?
2. What part was difficult?
3. What part was easy?
4. Do you think you will always feel like negotiating?
Review: It’s important to remember that negotiation may not be instinctive. You may not
feel like doing it. What is instinctive is to make a decision that is good for your partner but
bad for you, or to make a decision that is good for you but bad for your partner. Again, the
purpose of negotiating is to find a solution that meets the Policy of Joint Agreement. This
forces couples to take each other into consideration at the same time.
Review Reading Assignment
1. What is the Promise of Protection?
It is a promise to avoid being the cause of your fiancé(e)’s unhappiness. The Gift of
Protection provides protection from thoughtless/selfish tendencies that tempt you to
gain at each other’s expense, or worse yet, to deliberately try to hurt each other.
2. What is a Love Buster?
Love Busters are thoughtless habits that exist in most marriages. They lead to large
Love Bank withdrawals and can destroy your feelings of romantic love. Because they
are habits, they usually require some effort to overcome.
3. What are the six key Love Busters that hurt marriages?
Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts, Dishonesty, Annoying
Habits, and Independent Behavior.
16
I Promise You • Study Guide
4. What is the Policy of Joint Agreement?
Never do anything without enthusiastic, mutual agreement between you and your
partner.
5. How does the Policy of Joint Agreement help you avoid Love Busters in your
relationship?
The root cause of all Love Busters is thoughtlessness and a selfish desire to get our
own way. The Policy of Joint Agreement bypasses these problems by forcing you to
take your partner’s feelings into account before you take action or make decisions.
6. How does the Policy of Joint Agreement help you build a compatible lifestyle?
It ensures that all your activities and decisions will be mutually enjoyable. It also
helps each person avoid independent behaviors that can lead to an incompatible
lifestyle.
7. How can you avoid feeling resentment when you don’t get something you wanted
because of the Policy of Joint Agreement?
You can negotiate a new solution and brainstorm an option that you’ll both enjoy.
8. What are the four steps to successful negotiation?
First, set ground rules to make negotiations pleasant and safe. Second, identify the
problem from both of your perspectives. Third, brainstorm solutions with abandon.
Fourth, pick the solution that is appealing to both of you.
Exercise: Identifying Love Busters Worksheet
Give each couple a copy of the Identifying Love Busters Worksheet and ask
them to take five minutes to answer the questions. When completed, briefly review
the answers together:
Mary’s Options: (a) dishonesty; (b) disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, and
maybe angry outbursts; (c) none; and (d) independent behavior.
Dennis’ Options: (a) disrespectful judgments; (b) dishonesty; (c) dishonesty; and
(d) none.
Review: What is the phrase you could use to gently suggest how a behavior could be
fine-tuned? “I’d love it if . . .” or “I like it when . . .”
Exercise: Finding Options
Distribute the Finding Options handout to each couple. Instruct them to take five
minutes to answer the questions. When completed, briefly review answers together.
On the white board, write the headings “Perspectives—Ann and Jason” and “Options.”
Then write the answers on the white board.
17
Session Three: The Gift of Protection
Closing
Before you leave, ask each person to briefly share one concept that he or she has
found helpful or interesting. Then review the time and date of your next session, review
the assignment for the next session, and advise participants that the homework could
take two to three hours to complete. Give each participant a copy of the Personal
History Questionnaire to complete before your next meeting. Thank everyone for
their preparation and participation in the discussion.
18
Session Four:
The Gift of Honesty
Preparation
• Print copies (1 per couple) of following handouts:
2 Honesty Worksheet I
2 Honesty Worksheet II
2 Recreational Enjoyment Inventory
2 Time for Undivided Attention Worksheet and Graph
• Bring a pen or pencil for each participant.
Opening Activity: Honesty Worksheet I
Welcome participants and distribute pens or pencils and Honesty Worksheet I.
Read through the handout and answer the questions together.
Review Reading Assignment
1. What is the Promise of Honesty?
A commitment to do what you can to make everything about yourself transparent to
the other—your feelings and reactions, what you have done in the past, what you
are doing in the present, and what you plan to do in the future.
2. Why is honesty so important in marriage?
Without honesty, you can’t meet each other’s emotional needs effectively or create
plans that are mutually agreeable. Honesty allows you to make adjustments in your
relationship before your Love Banks experience too many withdrawals.
3. What does it mean to have emotional honesty?
Reveal your emotional reactions—both positive and negative—to the events of your
life, particularly to your partner’s behavior.
19
Session Four: The Gift of Honesty
4. What does it mean to have historical honesty?
Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate
personal weakness or failure.
5. What does it mean to have current honesty?
Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar
of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your partner.
6. What does it mean to have future honesty?
Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives.
7. What does it mean to have complete honesty?
Do not leave your partner with false impressions about your thoughts, feelings,
habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, or plans for the future. Do not
deliberately keep information from your partner.
8. What are the four primary reasons a person lies in a relationship?
1) Protection, 2) Avoiding trouble, 3) Trying to look better than they are, 4)
Compulsion.
9. Are there ever situations where honesty is a Love Buster? In other words, are there
times when it’s better to keep the truth to yourself?
No, even when revealing the truth may be hurtful, you should be honest. Remember,
it’s not honesty that is the Love Buster, but rather the behavior that the honesty
reveals. Dishonesty merely postpones your fiancé(e)’s discovery of the truth—and
then they will be hurt by the original behavior and the fact that you tried to hide it
from them.
10. What phrase can you use to show that you value honesty?
Thank you for being honest.
11. What should you and your fiancé(e) do after honest information is revealed?
Negotiate a solution that would prevent the painful behavior or decision from being
repeated in the future.
Exercise: Honesty Worksheet II
Distribute Honesty Worksheet II to each couple. Read through the handout and
answer the questions together.
On the white board, write the answers to this final question from the handout: If
Dan and Pam negotiate a plan to overcome thoughtless spending, what are some possible
brainstorming options for solving this problem? (Remember to give options that are in
the best interest of both.)
20
I Promise You • Study Guide
Closing
Before you dismiss the class, take a minute to review the time and date of your next
session and to review next week’s assignment. Remind participants that the assignment
could take two to three hours to complete. Distribute the Recreational Enjoyment
Inventory and the Time for Undivided Attention Worksheet and Graph to
each couple. These are needed for next week’s assignments. Thank participants for their
preparation and participation in the discussion.
21
Session Five:
The Gift of Time
Preparation
• Print copies of the following handouts (1 per couple unless otherwise
indicated):
2 Priority Time (1 per person)
2 Time for Love Worksheet
2 Feedback Time
• Bring a pen or pencil for each participant.
Opening Activity: Priority Time
After welcoming the participants, begin the session by distributing a pen or pencil
and the Priority Time handout to each person. Instruct each individual to complete
the first part on their own, then discuss the Couple Discussion questions together.
After they’ve completed their discussion, ask the following questions:
What did you learn from the Priority Time exercise?
What additional activities or responsibilities may make it challenging to give each
other the Promise of Time?
What could be done to make sure this promise is kept even when those responsibilities
arise?
Review Reading Assignment
1. What is the Promise of Time?
A commitment to schedule enough time for undivided attention each week to meet
your partner’s important emotional needs.
22
I Promise You • Study Guide
2. What is the Policy of Undivided Attention?
Give your partner a minimum of fifteen hours of undivided attention each week to
fulfill each other’s important emotional needs.
3. How do you practice privacy in following the Policy of Undivided Attention?
Your time together should not include friends, relatives, or children. You need to
establish time when you can focus solely on each other.
4. What should your objectives be when following the Policy of Undivided
Attention?
Your time together should be spent in activities that will meet your most important
emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, and recreational
companionship.
5. What amount of time will you need to spend in undivided attention once you
are married?
To maintain your feelings of love, you need to spend at least fifteen hours each week
giving undivided attention. Should your relationship suffer dissatisfaction for a time,
you will need to plan more time together until marital satisfaction is once again
achieved.
6. What is the best way to make sure that you follow the Policy of Undivided
Attention?
Set aside a short time each week to plan your fifteen hours of Undivided Attention for
that week. Unless you actually schedule this time, you likely won’t follow through on
your desire to spend that time together.
7. Why is it important that you be recreational companions and avoid pursuing your
leisure activities separately?
Spending your leisure time together is not only the best way to build your
relationship, but it will also help you experience the most interesting and enjoyable
parts of your life together. If you frequently spend leisure time independently, you risk
losing your emotional bond with your partner and allowing someone else to make
Love Bank deposits during those activity times. You may also find that if you enjoy
leisure activities apart that you become bored with your partner.
Exercise: Time for Love Worksheet
Give each couple a copy of the Time for Love Worksheet. After they fold the
paper where indicated, instruct them to think of scheduling ideas for Joe and Sherry.
Allow five minutes for them to brainstorm. Then discuss ideas together and list the
scheduling ideas on the white board. After the ideas are exhausted, read the folded
portion of the page that gives Joe and Sherry’s plan.
23
Session Five: The Gift of Time
Review: Remember, it’s recommended that you find a specific time each week to schedule
your fifteen hours together. Otherwise, your high priority will not be represented in your
daily living.
Closing
Before you leave, review the time and date of your next session and remind the
couples of their next assignment on the Assignment Checklist. Advise them that the
homework could take two to three hours to complete. Also, distribute the Feedback
Time handout to each couple, which will be needed for next week’s assignment. Thank
everyone for their preparation and participation in the discussion.
24
Session Six: Review
Preparation
• Print copies for each participant of the following:
2 Promises of Love: Ready to Go!
2 A Parting Wish
• Bring pens and pencils for participants
• Prepare the following supplies for the opening activity:
2 a pot of hot water
2 various tea bags (e.g., herbal, green, decaffeinated, lemon, earl grey)
2 instant coffee
2 hot chocolate packets
2 cups
2 a container or packets of sugar (white and brown), a container of cream or
powdered cream
2 spoons
• Write the following on a white board or prepare a handout with the following
instructions:
Welcome! Before we start the class, please do the following:
1. Ask your partner if he or she would like tea, coffee, or hot chocolate.
2. Try to gather specific information about quality and quantity for making the drink:
How much sugar or cream? Herbal tea or another type?
3. After gathering information, make the drink for your partner according to his or
her specifications.
4. Ask your partner if the drink you made hit the mark for quality and quantity or if
it needs to be fine-tuned. (Use “I’d love it if” for adjustment requests.)
5. After the drink perfectly hits the mark, sit down for class.
25
Session Six: Review
Opening Activity: Coffee or Tea?
Welcome participants to their final session and direct their attention to the instructions
on the board. After participants are seated with their drinks, discuss the following
questions:
1. What Promises of Love were involved in this activity?
This activity represented all four promises. The Promise of Honesty—expressing your
coffee or tea recipe for making you happy; The Promise of Protection—expressing
your honesty and feedback without Love Busters; The Promise of Care—making the
drink with the recipe that would make your partner the happiest; and The Promise of
Time—taking the time to listen and respond to your partner.
2. Do you think you could get into the habit of making the coffee or tea the way
that produces the greatest happiness for each other?
Yes.
3. Could you get into this habit even though you didn’t care for that recipe of coffee
or tea?
Yes.
4. Why did you want to follow your partner’s recipe when making the drink instead
of the recipe you would like yourself?
It makes him/her the happiest.
5. How would you feel if your partner gave you a cup of coffee or tea that didn’t
hit the mark, like black coffee when you like coffee with sugar and cream, or tea
with 10 teaspoons of sugar when you like only one?
You still might be thankful for the effort, but it wouldn’t make you happy and it
might even cause you to be frustrated.
6. In what ways does this activity remind you of what we discussed during the previous
assignments and lessons about emotional needs?
The second assignment helped you discover the recipe for meeting your
partner’s most important emotional needs. That is one part of the Promise to
Care gathering information about how you can be a source of happiness. The
next part is practicing that recipe.
Individual tastes may not be the same for each person, and what makes one person
happy doesn’t necessarily make the other happy.
Missing the mark has repercussions. If we miss the mark, we miss the opportunity to
deposit lots of love units and also run the risk of developing resentment.
26
I Promise You • Study Guide
Review and Questions
Ask these questions about the Four Promises of Love. Invite the couple to write down
their responses, using the Promises of Love: Ready to Go! handout.
1. What are some helpful lessons you learned about your relationship through your
discussion of the Promise of Care?
2. How do you plan to live out the Promise of Care in your relationship? What are
some specific goals you have agreed to?
3. Do you have any questions or concerns about keeping the Promise of Care?
Answers will vary.
4. What are some helpful lessons you learned about your relationship through your
discussion of the Promise of Protection?
5. How do you plan to live out the Promise of Protection in your relationship? What
are some specific goals you have agreed to? Answers will vary.
6. Do you have any questions or concerns about keeping the Promise of
Protection?
7. What are some helpful lessons you learned about your relationship through your
discussion of the Promise of Honesty?
8. How do you plan to live out the Promise of Honesty in your relationship? What
are some specific goals you have agreed to? Answers will vary.
9. Do you have any questions or concerns about keeping the Promise of Honesty?
10. What are some helpful lessons you learned about your relationship through your
discussion of the Promise of Time? Answers will vary.
11. How do you plan to live out the Promise of Time in your relationship? What are
some specific goals you have agreed to?
12. Do you have any questions or concerns about keeping the Promise of Time?
Review the Policies of Mutual Agreement and Radical Honesty Handouts
1. Do you remember what the Policy of Mutual Agreement says?
Never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of both you and your
fiancé(e).
2. What phrase helps you live out the Policy of Mutual Agreement?
“How would you feel if . . . ?”
3. Did learning this policy change any of your attitudes or behaviors in your relationship?
If so, how?
4. What should you do if you disagree on an issue? How can you find mutual
agreement?
27
Session Six: Review
Set ground rules to negotiate without Love Busters, identify the problem from both
of your perspectives, brainstorm solutions, and pick a solution that you both find
acceptable.
5. Have you had an opportunity to put the Policy of Mutual Agreement to work in
your relationship? How did it work?
6. Do you remember what the Policy of Radical Honesty says?
Reveal to your fiancé(e) as much information as you know: your thoughts, feelings,
habits, likes and dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and future plans.
7. What phrase helps you to show that honesty is valued in your relationship?
“Thank you for being honest with me.”
8. Have you found it easy or difficult to practice radical honesty with each other?
9. What benefits have you experienced by being honest with each other?
Closing
Give each couple a copy of A Parting Wish. Read through it together as a review.
Ask if there are any comments or questions.
After you have finished, take some time to congratulate participants on completing
their counseling and provide contact information if they have any questions or concerns
in the future.
29
Handouts
Session One Handout
Couple Information Sheet
The following information will be used only by your leader. Please note any special
concerns or requests at the bottom of this sheet.
Male’s Name:_ _________________________________________________________
Age: _____
cell#: ________________________ email: _________________________________
Home phone #: ________________________________________________
Female’s Name:_________________________________________________________
Age: _____
cell#: ________________________ email: _________________________________
Home phone #: ________________________________________________
City/Cities where you reside (write in different cities if needed):
__________________________________________ _________________________
__________________
Wedding Date: _______________________
Have either of you been married before? If so, note which of you was married
and for how long.
Thank you!
Session One Handout
Lesson Overview
Session 1: Introduction
2 Introduces the Love Bank—and how couples make deposits into and withdrawals
from each other’s accounts.
2 Discusses the differences between romantic love and caring love.
Session 2: The Promise of Care
2 Introduces the concept of emotional needs in marriage.
2 Identifies the ten most common emotional needs of marriage.
2 Discusses ways of meeting emotional needs within marriage.
2 Explains the importance of meeting emotional needs in mutually enjoyable
ways.
2 Provides couples with the opportunity to identify and share their emotional
needs with each other.
Session 3: The Promise of Protection
2 Identifies behaviors—called Love Busters—that destroy love.
2 Presents the Policy of Joint Agreement.
2 Reviews four guidelines for negotiation to help couples find mutually agreeable
solutions to problems or disagreements.
2 Provides couples with the opportunity to identify, discuss, and overcome
Love Busters in their relationships.
Session 4: The Promise of Honesty
2 Presents the Policy of Radical Honesty.
2 Reviews the Five Parts of Honesty.
2 Provides couples with the opportunity to practice honesty with each other.
Session 5: The Promise of Time
2 Presents the Policy of Undivided Attention.
2 Explains the need for couples to spend at least fifteen hours a week offering
undivided attention to each other.
2 Provides recommendations for how to schedule time for undivided
attention.
Session 6: Review
2 Reviews the Four Promises of Care, Protection, Honesty, and Time.
2 Reviews the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty.
Session One Handout
Assignment Checklist
First Assignment (to be completed before Session One):
8 Read Chapter 1 of I Promise You.
8 Answer the chapter’s “Talk about It” questions together.
Second Assignment (to be completed before Session Two):
8 Day 1: Read Chapter 2 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 2: Read Chapter 3 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 3: Read Chapter 4 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 4: Complete Assignment 1 (p. 46) by answering part A of the Emotional
Needs Questionnaire. Then together, complete Assignment
2 (p. 49) by filling in and signing the Agreement to Meet the Most
Important Emotional Needs.
8 Day 5: Complete Assignment 3 (p. 50) by answering part B of the Emotional
Needs Questionnaire. Then together read through and use the
Evaluation Time guidelines to share this information.
Third Assignment (to be completed before Session Three):
8 Day 1: Read Chapter 5 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 2: Read Chapter 6 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 3: Read Chapter 7 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 4: Complete Assignments 4 and 5 (pp. 93–94) by answering the Love
Busters Questionnaire. Then together read through and use the Evaluation
Time guidelines to share this information. After sharing the information,
complete Assignment 6 (p. 94) by filing in and signing the Agreement to
Overcome Love Busters.
8 Day 5: Complete Assignment 7 (p. 95). Then share your plan(s)
together.
Fourth Assignment (to be completed before Session Four):
8 Day 1: Read Chapter 8 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 2: Complete Assignment 8 (p. 110) by filling in the Personal History
Questionnaire.
8 Day 3: Read Chapter 9 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 4: Together, review any two sections from your Personal History
Questionnaires.
8 Day 5: Together, review another two sections from your Personal History
Questionnaires.
Fifth Assignment (to be completed before Session Five):
8 Day 1: Read Chapter 10 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 2: Read Chapter 11 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It”
questions together.
8 Day 3: Together complete the Recreational Companionship Inventory
and identify at least five recreational activities that you both score as a “1”
or higher.
8 Day 4: Complete Assignment 9 (p. 139) and complete the Time for Undivided
Attention Worksheet and Graph.
8 Day 5: Together, review another two sections from your Personal History
Questionnaires.
Sixth Assignment (to be completed before Session Six):
8 Day 1: Read Chapter 12 of I Promise You.
8 Day 2: Together, review the remaining sections from your Personal History
Questionnaires.
8 Day 3: Together, read through and use the Feedback Time guidelines to
fine-tune your Promises of Care and Protection.
8 Day 4: Together, identify a time each month for the rest of your married
lives to review this information; maybe the first of every month. Agree to
review your Agreement to Meet the Most Important Emotional
Needs, your Agreement to Overcome Love Busters, your promise to
be honest, and your promise to schedule daily time together.
8 Day 5: Write down any questions you have for your last session.
Session One Handout
The Great Impact
1. What and who are affected or impacted by a marriage relationship? List as
many items as you can. To help your list, you may want to think about who
and what are influenced when a marriage is in trouble.
2. Take two examples from your list above and describe further how they are
affected and why.
a. _____________________________:
b. _____________________________:
3. Do you know of any other human relationship that has more areas of impact
in life more than marriage? If your answer is yes, describe what relationship
it would be and list the areas of impact.
Session One Handout
Emotional Needs
Questionnaire
© 1986 by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Name ______________________________________________________________________ Date _ ____________
This questionnaire is designed to help you determine your most important emotional needs and
evaluate your partner’s effectiveness in meeting those needs. Answer all the questions as candidly as
possible. Do not try to minimize any needs that you feel have been unmet. If your answers require
more space, use and attach a separate sheet of paper.
Your partner should complete a separate Emotional Needs Questionnaire so that you can discover
his or her needs and evaluate your effectiveness in meeting those needs.
You have the permission of the publisher to photocopy the questionnaire for use in your own
marriage. I recommend that you enlarge it 125 percent so that you’ll have plenty of room to write
in your responses.
When you have completed this questionnaire, go through it a second time to be certain your
answers accurately reflect your feelings. Do not erase your original answers, but cross them out lightly
so that your partner can see the corrections and discuss them with you.
The final page of this questionnaire asks you to identify and rank five of the ten needs in order
of their importance to you. The most important emotional needs are those that give you the most
pleasure when met and frustrate you the most when unmet. Resist the temptation to identify as most
important only those needs that your partner is not presently meeting. Include all your emotional
needs in your consideration of those that are most important.
Complete and discuss this questionnaire again after the first month of marriage and once a year
after that.
1. Affection. Showing love through words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses, and courtesies; creating an environment
that clearly and repeatedly expresses love.
A. Need for affection: Indicate how much you need affection by circling the appropriate
number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate I have a great need
for affection need for affection for affection
How often would you like your partner to be affectionate with you?
________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
If you were not shown affection by your partner as often as indicated above, how would you
feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to be shown affection
B. Evaluation of partner’s affection: Indicate your satisfaction with your partner’s affection toward
you by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My partner gives me all the affection I need. Yes No
I like the way my partner gives me affection. Yes No
If your answer is no, explain how your need for affection could be better satisfied in your marriage._______________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
2. Sexual Fulfillment. A sexual relationship that brings out a predictably enjoyable sexual response in
both of you that is frequent enough for both of you.
A. Need for sexual fulfillment: Indicate how much you need sexual fulfillment by circling the
appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for sexual fulfillment for sexual fulfillment for sexual fulfillment
How often would you like your spouse to have sex with you?
________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
If your spouse does not engage in sexual relations with you as often as you indicated above,
how would you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to engage in sexual relations
B. (complete when you are married) Evaluation of sexual relations with your spouse: Indicate
your satisfaction with your spouse’s sexual relations with you by circling the appropriate
number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My spouse has sexual relations with me as often as I need. Yes No
I like the way my spouse has sexual relations with me. Yes No
If your answer is no, explain how your need for sexual fulfillment could be better satisfied in
your marriage._______________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
3. Conversation. Talking about events of the day, feelings, and plans; avoiding angry or judgmental
statements or dwelling on past mistakes; showing interest in your favorite topics of conversation;
balancing conversation; using it to inform, investigate, and understand you; and giving you undivided
attention.
A. Need for conversation: Indicate how much you need conversation by circling the appropriate
number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for conversation for conversation for conversation
How often would you like your partner to talk to you?
________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
________ (write number) hours each day/week/month (circle one).
If your partner does not talk with you as often as you indicated above, how would you feel?
(Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to talk
B. Evaluation of conversation with your partner: Indicate your satisfaction with your partner’s
conversation with you by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My partner talks to me as often as I need. Yes No
I like the way my partner talks to me. Yes No
If your answer is no, explain how your need for conversation could be better satisfied in your
marriage.___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
4. Recreational Companionship. Developing interest in your favorite recreational activities, learning to
be proficient in them, and joining you in those activities. If any prove to be unpleasant to your spouse
after an effort has been made, negotiating new recreational activities that are mutually enjoyable.
A. Need for recreational companionship: Indicate how much you need recreational companionship
by circling the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for recreational for recreational for recreational
companionship companionship companionship
How often would you like your partner to join you in recreational activities?
________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
________ (write number) hours each day/week/month (circle one).
If your partner does not join you in recreational activities as often as you indicated above, how
would you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very happy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat happy d. Happy not to include my spouse
B. Evaluation of recreational companionship with your partner: Indicate your satisfaction with
your partner’s recreational companionship by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My partner joins me in recreational activities as often as I need. Yes No
I like the way my partner joins me in recreational activities. Yes No
If your answer is no, explain how your need for recreational companionship
could be better
satisfied in your marriage._____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
5. Honesty and Openness. Revealing positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily events
and schedule, plans for the future; not leaving you with a false impression; answering your questions
truthfully.
A. Need for honesty and openness: Indicate how much you need honesty and openness by circling
the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for honesty and openness for honesty and openness for honesty and openness
Which of the following areas of honesty and openness would you like from your partner?
(Circle the letters that apply to you.)
a. Sharing positive and negative emotional reactions to significant aspects of life
b. Sharing information regarding his/her personal history
c. Sharing information about his/her daily activities
d. Sharing information about his/her future schedule and plans
If your partner fails to be open and honest in those areas you indicated, how would you feel?
(Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy that my spouse isn’t honest and open
B. Evaluation of partner’s honesty and openness: Indicate your satisfaction with your partner’s
honesty and openness by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
In which of the areas listed above would you like to see improvement from your partner?
Explain how your need for honesty and openness could be better satisfied in your marriage.
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
6. Physical Attractiveness. Keeping physically fit with diet and excercise; wearing hair, clothing, and
(if female) makeup in a way that you find attractive and tasteful.
A. Need for an attractive partner: Indicate how much you need an attractive partner by circling
the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for an attractive partner for an attractive partner for an attractive partner
Which of the following characteristics of attractiveness mean the most to you? (Circle the letters
that apply.)
a. Physical fitness and normal weight
b. Attractive choice of clothes
c. Attractive hairstyle
d. Good physical hygiene
e. Attractive facial makeup
f. Other _______________________________________
If your partner does not have those characteristics that you circled above, how would you feel?
(Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to have an attractive partner
B. Evaluation of partner’s attractiveness: Indicate your satisfaction with your partner’s attractiveness
by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
In which of the areas listed above would you like to see improvement from your partner?
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
Explain how your need for an attractive partner could be better satisfied in your marriage.
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
7. Financial Support. Provision of the financial resources to house, feed, and clothe your family at a
standard of living acceptable to you, but avoiding travel and working hours that are unacceptable
to you.
A. Need for financial support: Indicate how much you need financial support by circling the appropriate
number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for financial support for financial support for financial support
How much money would you like your spouse to earn to support you?_____________________
How many hours each week would you like your spouse to work?____________________________
If your spouse does not earn the amount you indicated above, how would you feel? (Circle the
appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to have my spouse provide
support
B. (complete when you are married) Evaluation of spouse’s financial support: Indicate your satisfaction
with your spouse’s financial support by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My spouse provides me with all the financial support I need. Yes No
I like the way my spouse provides financial support. Yes No
If your spouse is not earning as much as you would like, is not working the hours you would
like, does not budget the way you would like, or does not earn an income the way you would
like, explain how your need for financial support could be better satisfied in your marriage.____
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
8. Domestic support. Creation of a home environment for you that offers a refuge from the stresses
of life; managing the home and care of the children—if any are at home—including but not limited
to cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, and housecleaning.
A. Need for domestic support: Indicate how much you need domestic support by circling the
appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for domestic support for domestic support for domestic support
How much time would you like your spouse to be engaged in domestic support? _____ (write
number) hours each day/week/month (circle one).
If your spouse does not spend as much time engaged in domestic support as you indicated
above, how would you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to have domestic support
B. (complete when you are married) Evaluation of spouse’s domestic support: Indicate your
satisfaction with your spouse’s domestic support by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My spouse provides me with all the domestic support I need. Yes No
I like the way my spouse provides domestic support. Yes No
If your answer is no to either of the above questions, explain how your need for domestic
support could be better satisfied in your marriage.___________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
9. Family commitment. Scheduling sufficient time and energy for the moral and educational
development of your children; reading to them, taking them on frequent outings, educating
himself or herself in appropriate child-training methods and discussing those methods with you;
avoiding any child-training method or disciplinary action that does not have your enthusiastic
support.
A. Need for family commitment: Indicate how much you need family commitment by circling
the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for family commitment for family commitment for family commitment
How much time would you like your spouse to be engaged in family activities?
________ (write number) hours each day/week/month (circle one).
If your spouse does not spend as much time as you indicated above, how would you feel?
(Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy he or she is not involved
B. (complete when you are married and have children) Evaluation of spouse’s family commitment:
Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s family commitment by circling the appropriate
number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My spouse commits enough time to the family. Yes No
I like the way my spouse spends time with the family. Yes No
If your answer is no, explain how your need for family commitment could be better satisfied in
your marriage._______________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
10. Admiration. Respecting, valuing, and appreciating you; rarely critical; and expressing admiration
to you clearly and often.
A. Need for admiration: Indicate how much you need admiration by circling the appropriate
number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for admiration for admiration for admiration
How often would you like your partner to admire you?
________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
If your partner does not admire you as often as you indicated above, how would you feel?
(Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to be admired
B. Evaluation of partner’s admiration: Indicate your satisfaction with your partner’s admiration
of you by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My partner gives me all the admiration I need. Yes No
I like the way my partner admires me. Yes No
If your answer is no, explain how your need for admiration could be better satisfied in your
marriage._ _______________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
Ranking of Your Emotional Needs
The ten basic emotional needs are listed below. There is also space for you to add other emotional
needs that you feel are essential to your marital happiness.
In the space provided before each need, write a number from 1 to 5 that ranks the need’s importance
to your happiness. Write a 1 before the most important need, a 2 before the next most
important, and so on until you have ranked your five most important needs.
To help you rank these needs, imagine that you will have only one need met in your marriage.
Which would make you the happiest, knowing that all the others would go unmet? That need should
be 1. If only two needs will be met, what would your second selection be? Which five needs, when
met, would make you the happiest?
_______ Affection
_______ Sexual Fulfillment
_______ Conversation
_______ Recreational Companionship
_______ Honesty and Openness
_______ Attractiveness of Spouse
_______ Financial Support
_______ Domestic Support
_______ Family Commitment
_______ Admiration
_______ ______________________
_______ ______________________
Agreement to Meet
the Most Important Emotional Needs
This Agreement is made this __________ day of _____________, ___________,
between ___________________________ and ___________________________,
whereby it is mutually agreed:
________________________________________ will learn to meet the following
emotional needs of ____________________________________________:
1. _________________________________________________
2. _________________________________________________
3. _________________________________________________
4. _________________________________________________
5. _________________________________________________
______________________________________ will learn to meet the following
emotional needs of ________________________________________:
1. _________________________________________________
2. _________________________________________________
3. _________________________________________________
4. _________________________________________________
5. _________________________________________________
In Witness Whereof, the parties hereto have signed this agreement on the day and year
first above written:
______________________________ _______________________________
(Husband) (Wife)
(Husband)
(Wife)
(Husband)
(Wife)
Session One Handout
Session One Handout
Evaluation Time:
Emotional Needs
Read the following guidelines with your fiancé(e). When you sit down for your
evaluation time, have your Emotional Needs Questionnaire handy.
1. The objective of this assignment is to gather information from each other.
Gathering information means that you listen and take notes.
2. Agree to make your discussion safe and enjoyable. Avoid demands, disrespectful
judgments, criticism, sarcasm, and teasing. If your discussion becomes
unpleasant for either of you, stop immediately and schedule another time
to continue this assignment.
3. Begin with the first need of the questionnaire—affection. One of you will read
what is on part B of his/her questionnaire for that particular need while the
other listens. The listener takes notes and asks clarifying questions, if needed.
After the reader is finished, the listener becomes the reader and the reader
becomes the listener. Continue this process for the nine remaining needs.
4. If the emotional need you are discussing is one of your top five emotional
needs, try to offer positive and specific suggestions for meeting the need.
Try using the form “I’d love it if (specific positive suggestion).” Describe what
your want (quality) and how often you want it (quantity). For example, “I’d
love it if you could call me every day at lunchtime,” or “I love it when we play
golf together once a month.”
5. Complete this assignment within 1 ½ hours. If more time is needed, then
schedule another time and day.
6. Choose a time where there will be no interruptions (i.e., turn off the cell
phone, don’t answer the home phone) and choose a quality time of day (i.e.,
avoid a time when you are tired or rushed).
7. Remember this key point: There are three aspects of care to consider when
meeting your fiancé(e)’s most important emotional needs:
Quality is meeting the need in a way that satisfies.
Quantity is meeting the need often enough.
Mutuality is meeting the need in a way that both spouses enjoy it.
Session Two Handout
The Birthday Gift
It’s not always easy to express your emotional needs to your partner. You may feel
that if he or she loves you, those needs will be met without having to say anything.
Or, if he or she is missing the mark, it would be rude to criticize; after all, isn’t it
the thought that counts? But what is likely to happen if emotional needs are not
honestly expressed? Erik and Betsy will help put this problem into perspective.
Erik remembered that Betsy, his new wife, likes bath oil and perfume. So at her
birthday party he gave her a gift box filled with vanilla-scented bath soaps, oils,
and body spray. A beautiful and costly gift—but there was a problem—the vanilla
smell makes Betsy feel sick. What should Betsy do?
1. When she opens the gift at the party with over thirty guests, she tells Erik
that she loves the thought, but the vanilla scent makes her sick.
2. After the party, Betsy privately says to Erik, “Thank you for the thoughtful
gift and I do like these items, but the vanilla scent makes me feel sick. I’d
love it if we could take back or at least go to the store and find a scent that
we both like.”
3. Thank Erik for the gift and throw it away or give it to a friend.
What would happen if Betsy isn’t honest about this gift?
1. Erik might continue to give her vanilla-scented perfume for the rest of her
life.
2. Erik might misdirect his energy and financial resources, thinking that he’s
making love unit deposits.
3. Betsy might miss out on future happiness, because her emotional need of
affection wouldn’t be met as well as it could be.
4. Erik might eventually find out the truth and feel deceived and hurt.
Review: What is the phrase that can help you be honest with your partner about
specific ways to meet your needs (hint: it’s in italics above)?
Session Two Handout
Love Busters Questionnaire
This questionnaire is designed to help identify your partner’s Love Busters. Your partner engages in
a Love Buster whenever one of his or her habits causes you to be unhappy. By causing your unhappiness,
he or she withdraws love units from the account in your Love Bank, and that, in turn, threatens
your romantic love for him or her.
There are six categories of Love Busters. Each category has its own set of questions in this questionnaire.
Answer all the questions as candidly as possible. Do not try to minimize your unhappiness
with your partner’s behavior. If your answers require more space, use and attach a separate sheet
of paper.
When you have completed this questionnaire, go through it a second time to be certain your
answers accurately reflect your feelings. Do not erase your original answers, but cross them out lightly
so that your partner can see the corrections and discuss them with you.
The final page of this questionnaire asks you to rank the six Love Busters in order of their importance
to you. When you have finished ranking the Love Busters, you may find that your answers to
the questions regarding each Love Buster are inconsistent with your final ranking. This inconsistency
is common. It often reflects a less than perfect understanding of your feelings. If you notice inconsistencies,
discuss them with your partner to help clarify your feelings.
You have the permission of the publisher to photocopy the questionnaire for use in your own
marriage. I recommend that you enlarge it 125 percent so that you’ll have plenty of room to write
in your responses. Make two copies, one for you and one for your partner.
1. Selfish Demands. Attempts by your partner to force you to do something for him or her, usually
with implied threat of punishment if you refuse.
A. Selfish Demands as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you tend to
experience when your partner makes selfish demands of you.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I experience I experience I experience
no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness
B. Frequency of Partner’s Selfish Demands: Indicate how often your partner makes selfish demands
of you.
________ (write number) selfish demands each day/week/month/year (circle one).
C. Form(s) Selfish Demands Take: When your partner makes selfish demands of you, what does
he or she typically do?_____________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
D. Form of Selfish Demands That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above
forms of selfish demands causes you the greatest unhappiness?_____________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
E. Onset of Selfish Demands: When did your partner first make selfish demands of you?__________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
F. Development of Selfish Demands: Have your partner’s selfish demands increased or decreased
in intensity and/or frequency since they first began? How do recent selfish demands
compare to those of the past?
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. Disrespectful Judgments. Attempts by your partner to change your attitudes, beliefs, and behavior by
trying to force you into his way of thinking. If (1) your partner lectures you instead of respectfully discussing
issues, (2) feels that his or her opinion is superior to yours, (3) talks over you or prevents you from
having a chance to explain your position, or (4) ridicules your point of view, your partner is engaging
in disrespectful judgments.
A. Disrespectful Judgments as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you
tend to experience when your partner engages in disrespectful judgments toward you.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I experience I experience I experience
no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness
B. Frequency of Partner’s Disrespectful Judgments: Indicate how often your partner tends to
engage in disrespectful judgments toward you.
________ (write number) disrespectful judgments each day/week/month/year (circle one).
C. Form(s) Disrespectful Judgments Take: When your partner engages in disrespectful judgments
toward you, what does he or she typically do? _________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
D. Form of Disrespectful Judgments That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above
forms of disrespectful judgments causes you the greatest unhappiness?________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
E. Onset of Disrespectful Judgments: When did your partner first engage in disrespectful judgments
toward you?_________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
F. Development of Disrespectful Judgments: Have your partner’s disrespectful judgments
increased or decreased in intensity and/or frequency since they first began? How do recent
disrespectful judgments compare to those of the past?_ ______________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3. Angry Outbursts. Deliberate attempts by your partner to hurt you because of anger toward you.
They are usually in the form of verbal or physical attacks.
A. Angry Outbursts as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you tend to
experience when your partner attacks you with an angry outburst.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I experience I experience I experience
no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness
B. Frequency of Partner’s Angry Outbursts: Indicate how often your partner tends to engage in
angry outbursts toward you.
__________(write number) angry outbursts each day/week/month/year (circle one).
C. Form(s) Angry Outbursts Take: When your partner engages in angry outbursts toward you,
what does he or she typically do?________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
D. Form of Angry Outbursts That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above
forms of angry outbursts causes you the greatest unhappiness?_ ____________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
E. Onset of Angry Outbursts: When did your partner first engage in angry outbursts toward
you?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
F. Development of Angry Outbursts: Have your partner’s angry outbursts increased or decreased
in intensity and/or frequency since they first began? How do recent angry outbursts
compare to those of the past?____________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
4. Dishonesty. Failure of your partner to reveal his or her thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes,
personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future. Dishonesty is not only providing false
information about any of the above topics, but it is also leaving you with what your partner knows
is a false impression.
A. Dishonesty as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you tend to experience
when your partner is dishonest with you.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I experience I experience I experience
no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness
B. Frequency of Partner’s Dishonesty: Indicate how often your partner tends to be dishonest
with you.
________ (write number) instances of dishonesty each day/week/month/year (circle one).
C. Form(s) Dishonesty Takes: When your partner is dishonest with you, what does he or she
typically do?_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
D. Form of Dishonesty That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above forms of
dishonesty causes you the greatest unhappiness?________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
E. Onset of Dishonesty: When was your partner first dishonest with you? ___________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
F. Development of Dishonesty: Has your partner’s dishonesty increased or decreased in intensity
and/or frequency since it first began? How do recent instances of dishonesty compare to
those of the past?___________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
5. Annoying Habits. Behavior repeated by your partner without much thought that bothers you. These
habits include personal mannerisms such as the way your partner eats, cleans up after himself or
herself, and talks.
A. Annoying Habits as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you tend to
experience when your partner engages in annoying habits.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I experience I experience I experience
no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness
B. Frequency of Partner’s Annoying Habits: Indicate how often your partner tends to engage in
annoying habits.
___________ (write number) occurrences of annoying habits each day/week/month/year
(circle one).
C. Form(s) Annoying Habits Take: When your partner engages in annoying habits toward you,
what does he or she typically do?________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
D. Form of Annoying Habits That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above
forms of annoying habits causes you the greatest unhappiness?_____________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
E. Onset of Annoying Habits: When did your partner first engage in annoying habits?__________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
F. Development of Annoying Habits: Have your partner’s annoying habits increased or decreased
in intensity and/or frequency since they first began? How do recent annoying habits
compare to those of the past?____________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
6. Independent Behavior. Behavior conceived and executed by your partner without consideration
of your feelings. These behaviors are usually scheduled and require thought to complete, such as
attending sporting events or engaging in a personal exercise program.
A. Independent Behavior as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you
tend to experience when your partner engages in independent behavior.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I experience I experience I experience
no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness
B. Frequency of Partner’s Independent Behavior: Indicate how often your partner tends to engage
in independent behavior.
___________ (write number) occurrences of independent behavior each day/week/month/
year (circle one).
C. Form(s) Independent Behavior Takes: When your partner engages in independent behavior,
what does he or she typically do? ________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
D. Form of Independent Behavior That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above
forms of independent behavior causes you the greatest unhappiness?
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
E. Onset of Independent Behavior: When did your partner first engage in independent behavior?___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
F. Development of Independent Behavior: Has your partner’s independent behavior increased
or decreased in intensity and/or frequency since it first began? How does recent independent
behavior compare to that of the past?___________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Rating Love Busters
The six basic categories of Love Busters are listed below. There is also space for you to add other
categories of Love Busters that you feel contribute to your unhappiness. In the space provided in front
of each Love Buster, write a number from 1 to 6 that ranks its relative contribution to your unhappiness.
Write a 1 before the Love Buster that causes you the greatest unhappiness, a 2 before the one
causing the next greatest unhappiness, and so on, until you have ranked all six.
_______ Selfish Demands
_______ Disrespectful Judgments
_______ Angry Outbursts
_______ Dishonesty
_______ Annoying Habits
_______ Independent Behavior
_______ _________________________
_______ _________________________
Agreement to Overcome Love Busters
This Agreement is made this _____________ day of ________________, ________,
between ___________________________ and ___________________________,
whereby it is mutually agreed:
_______________________________________ will learn to avoid the following
Love Busters:
1. _________________________________________________
2. _________________________________________________
3. _________________________________________________
4. _________________________________________________
5. _________________________________________________
_______________________________________ will learn to avoid the following
Love Busters:
1. _________________________________________________
2. _________________________________________________
3. _________________________________________________
4. _________________________________________________
5. _________________________________________________
In Witness Whereof, the parties hereto have signed this agreement on the day and year
first above written:
______________________________ ______________________________
(Husband)
(Husband) (Wife)
(Wife)
Session Two Handout
Session Two Handout
Evaluation Time:
Love Busters
Read the following guidelines with your partner before reviewing the
questionnaires:
1. This can be a challenging questionnaire to review because it’s often difficult
to hear about behaviors that need changing. So, when you receive feedback
remember this—you’re receiving valuable information about how your behaviors
affect your partner’s feelings for you—it’s a gift of honesty. You can’t
effectively give your Promise of Protection without this honest information.
Also, when you share your information, do it gently and use the “I’d love it
if” phrase, giving specific alternatives to the Love Buster.
2. The objective of this assignment is to gather information from your partner.
Gathering information means that you listen and take notes.
3. Agree to make your discussion safe and enjoyable. Avoid demands, disrespectful
judgments, criticism, sarcasm, and teasing. If your discussion becomes
unpleasant for either of you, stop immediately and schedule another time
to continue this assignment.
4. Begin with the first Love Buster of the questionnaire—selfish demands. One of
you will read what is on his/her questionnaire for that particular Love Buster
while the other listens. The listener takes notes and asks clarifying questions,
if needed. After the reader is finished, the listener becomes the reader and
the reader becomes the listener. Continue this process for the five remaining
Love Busters. Then review the last page that ranks the Love Busters.
5. If there are many annoying habits to eliminate, write them all down and ask
your partner to rank the habits from most to least annoying.
6. Complete this assignment within 1 hour. If more time is needed, schedule
another time and day.
7. Choose a time where there will be no interruptions (e.g., turn off the cell
phone, don’t answer the home phone) and choose a quality time of the day
(i.e., avoid times when you are tired or rushed).
8. If you reach an impasse, stop and schedule another time to complete this
assignment.
Session Three Handout
Identifying Love Busters
Worksheet
Sometimes it’s difficult to share concerns with your partner without Love Busters—
especially when it comes to situations where you have different opinions.
Let’s look at a situation that might lead to Love Buster behavior.
Situation: Dennis has been dressing for an on-going, weekly Bible study wearing
sandals, shorts, and an old t-shirt. Mary doesn’t like how he’s dressing and thinks
he should dress a little nicer. What should she do?
Option A: Say nothing and let it go—accepting him for who he is.
Option B: Tell him that he’s a slob and he must change immediately or else!
Option C: Tell him, “I’d love it if you’d wear this instead. How would you feel
about that idea?” If he doesn’t agree, then ask him if he’s willing to negotiate
another outfit.
Option D: Have the outfit mysteriously disappear from the face of the earth.
1. Identify the Love Buster for each option, if any:
A.
B.
C.
D.
2. Which option would be the best way for Mary to give Dennis the Promise
of Protection?
Now consider the following ways that Dennis could respond to Mary’s
concern:
Option A: Tell her that she is too concerned about what people think and
perhaps she should consider individual counseling to get over her anxiety.
Option B: Tell her “okay” and do whatever she wants him to do—even if it
causes him discomfort every time they go to the Bible study.
Option C: Tell her “okay” to get her off his back, but continue wearing what
he wants to wear.
Option D: Tell her “Thank you for being honest with me.” Then (a) “I
would be happy to wear something else—I really don’t care what I wear”;
or (b) “Let’s go to the closet and pick out outfits that we both like. And if we
can’t find anything, let’s go out and buy a couple of outfits together.”
1. Identify the Love Buster behaviors for each option, if any:
A.
B.
C.
D.
2. Which option would be the best way for Dennis to give Mary the Promise
of Protection?
Session Three Handout
Finding Options
Practice your negotiation skills by reading the following scenario and answering
the following questions:
Situation: Ann is feeling overwhelmed with wedding plans and her fiancé, Jason,
hasn’t helped with anything. She feels like he doesn’t really care about the wedding
and she’d like him to be more involved with the plans. Jason feels frustrated
because Ann is always in a bad mood. They used to enjoy bike-riding and trying
out new restaurants together, but now Ann never has time for these activities. He’s
tried to stay out of wedding plans because he really doesn’t have any preferences
about the wedding and he wanted Ann to have the wedding that she likes.
Step Two in the negotiation process is to identify the problem from both perspectives.
What might Ann and Jason say were their perspectives? (Also remember
Step One that instructs them to make the negotiation pleasant and safe, protecting
each other from Love Busters.)
Ann:
Jason:
Step Three in the negotiation process is to brainstorm with abandon. What
might Ann and Jason identify as possible ways to solve the problem (try to identify
at least five)?
Session Three Handout
Personal History
Questionnaire
Please answer all of the following questions as honestly and thoughtfully as possible. If your answer
requires additional space, use another sheet of paper.
When answering these questions, it is important to remember the Rule of Honesty and its five
parts:
The Rule of Honesty for Successful Marriage
Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know—your thoughts, feelings,
habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future.
1. Emotional honesty: Reveal your emotional reactions—both positive and negative—to the events of
your life, particularly to your spouse’s behavior.
2. Historical honesty: Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate
personal weakness and failure.
3. Current honesty: Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar
of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your spouse.
4. Future honesty: Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives.
5. Complete honesty: Do not leave your spouse with a false impression about your thoughts, feelings,
habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, or plans for the future. Do not deliberately keep
personal information from your spouse.
I agree to consider this information confidential and will not share any information revealed in
this questionnaire to anyone without my spouse’s permission. I also agree to reward honesty and not
punish my spouse for revealing any new information to me that I may find upsetting.
Signature: _______________________________________________
Date___________________
Health History
List childhood diseases, injuries, or operations: ___________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
List past adult diseases, injuries, or operations: ___________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
List present medical problems (include high blood pressure, arthritis, migraine headaches, etc.):
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
When did you have your last complete physical examination?
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What were the results? Did the doctor find a medical problem or are you generally in good health?
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How long does it usually take you to fall asleep when you go to bed at night? ____________
How many hours do you usually sleep? __________
How often do you awaken during the night? _______________
How long does it take to get back to sleep? _______________
How many pounds have you gained and/or lost in the past year? ___________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe any of your past and present diet programs:_ ____________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe your current exercise program:_________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What drugs do you presently take, what dosages, how often, and for what conditions?________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Have you ever been hospitalized or received therapy for a mental disorder? If so, list hospital(s) and/or
therapist(s) and approximate dates:_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Do you now have or have you ever had venereal disease? If so, when and what were the conditions?____
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
For the wife: When did you have your first period? _______ Are your periods regular? _______ Are they
comfortable? _______ Do they cause you to feel depressed, anxious, or irritable? ______
Family History
Mother’s name: _____________________________________________________________________________
age:______ occupation:___________________ education:___________________________________________
How did she punish you?______________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How did she reward you?______________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What behaviors did she punish?_ _______________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What behaviors did she reward?________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How would others describe your mother?________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How would you describe your mother?__________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What activities did you do with your mother when you were a child?________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How did you get along with your mother?_______________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Father’s name: ______________________________________________________________________________
age:______ occupation:_____________________ education:_________________________________________
How did he punish you?_______________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How did he reward you?_______________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What behaviors did he punish?_________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What behaviors did he reward?_________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How would others describe your father?_________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How would you describe your father?_ __________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What activities did you do with your father when you were a child?_________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How did you get along with your father?_ _______________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
For each of your brother(s) and sister(s), give name, birth date, and how you got along with him/her
when you were growing up together:___________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Does (did) your mother or father favor one child? If so, who and why do you think they favored that
child?_______________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Are your mother and father divorced? If so, how old were you and what do you know about the reasons
they divorced?________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How do (did) your mother and father get along?_ ________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Was your father or mother (or both) alcoholic? If so, how did it affect your childhood?________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe any instances of physical violence or sexual advances inflicted on you by a parent or siblings
when you were a child.________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
If you were raised by a stepparent or foster parents, please describe your most important experiences
with them.___________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Educational History
What preschool(s) did you attend?______________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe any significant experiences there:_______________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What elementary school(s) did you attend?_ _____________________________________________________
Were you a good student?______ Describe any significant experiences at your elementary school:
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What middle and/or secondary school(s) did you attend?__________________________________________
What were your grades?______ Describe any significant experiences at your middle school or secondary
school:______________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What college(s) or vocational school(s) did you attend?____________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What were your grades?______ Describe any significant experiences at college or vocational school:_____
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What was your major or specialization?__________________________________________________________
Give degree and date earned:__________________________________________________________________
What postgraduate school(s) did you attend?_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What were your grades?______ Describe any significant experiences in postgraduate school:
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What was your major?_________________________________________________________________________
Give degree and date earned:__________________________________________________________________
Describe sports or other extracurricular activities in which you participated, awards you received, and
musical instruments you played, throughout your education:_______________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What are your future educational plans?_________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Vocational History
List the jobs you have held, giving the present or most recent job first. For each job, give the dates
you were employed, your job title and salary, and what you liked and disliked about the job.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How often do you miss work at jobs you enjoy? __________________________________________________
At jobs you dislike? ___________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe how well you get along with your fellow employees:
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe how well you get along with your supervisor(s):__________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What training or education have you had that is relevant to your present occupation?_________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Does your job satisfy you intellectually? Yes/No
Emotionally? Yes/No Physically? Yes/No
What are your vocational ambitions?____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What were your childhood interests and hobbies?_________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What are your present leisure time interests and hobbies?__________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Religious History
What is the name of your religion?______________________________________________________________
Describe your most important religious beliefs:___________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How do your religious beliefs influence the decisions you make in your life?__________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
List your religious activities (prayer, study, meetings, etc.) and how frequently you participate in each
one:_________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe how your religious beliefs and those of your parents affected your childhood:________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe any differences between your religious beliefs and those of your spouse:_____________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe any important changes in your religious beliefs during your lifetime:_ _______________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Opposite Sex Relationship History
List all significant opposite-sex relationships you had prior to high school and give the person’s name,
your age, and the person’s age during the relationship, and the duration of the relationship. Indicate if
you were in love and if you had a sexual relationship (use separate sheet of paper if needed):__________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
List all significant opposite-sex relationships you had during high school and give the person’s name,
your age, and the person’s age during the relationship, and the duration of the relationship. Indicate if
you were in love and if you had a sexual relationship (use separate sheet of paper if needed):__________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
List all significant opposite-sex relationships you had after high school and give the person’s name, your
age, and the person’s age during the relationship, and the duration of the relationship. Indicate if you
were in love and if you had a sexual relationship (use separate sheet of paper if needed):_______________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
If you have been divorced, give the name of your former spouse, date married, date divorced, reason for
divorce, what you liked most and disliked most about the person, and the names and birth dates of children
(use seperate sheet of paper if needed):_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
If you have been widowed, give the name of your spouse, date married, date and cause of spouse’s
death, what you liked most and disliked most about your spouse, and the names and birth dates of children
(use separate sheet of paper if needed):_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Sexual History
When and how did you first learn about sex?_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
How did your parents influence your attitude regarding sex?_______________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
What was your parents’ attitude concerning sex? (Circle one of the following.)
1. Sex was shameful and not to be discussed.
2. Sex was not shameful but it wasn’t discussed.
3. Sex was shameful but was also discussed.
4. Sex was not shameful and was freely discussed.
Describe your first sexual experience:____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe your most important sexual experiences and how they influenced the way you think about sex
today:_______________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
When and how did you first experience sexual arousal and how did you feel about it?_________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
When and how did you first experience sexual climax and how did you feel about it?__________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
If you have ever masturbated, when did you start?________________________________________________
How often did you masturbate during childhood?________________________________________________
During adolescence?__________________________________________________________________________
What sexual fantasies do you have when you masturbate?_ ________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
When did you first have sexual intercourse and how did the experience affect you?___________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
With how many people have you had sexual intercourse?__________________________________________
Have you ever:
had sexual experiences with or fantasies about being treated violently? Yes/No
had sexual experiences with or fantasies about treating others violently? Yes/No
exposed yourself or desired to expose yourself in public? Yes/No
had sexual contact with children or desired to have sexual contact with children? Yes/No
Have you ever been in legal trouble because of your sexual behavior? If so, please describe the behavior
and circumstances.____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Have you ever had an extramarital sexual relationship(s)? If so, please describe it._____________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Have you ever had a homosexual experience(s)? If so, please describe it._____________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Personal Assessment
Describe some of your fears:____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe faults you think you have:______________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe your good characteristics:______________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
If you ever have any of the thoughts given below, check the frequency of occurrence:
Type of thought hardly ever occasionally frequently
I am lonely. ____ ____ ____
The future is hopeless. ____ ____ ____
Nobody cares about me. ____ ____ ____
I feel like killing myself. ____ ____ ____
I am a failure. ____ ____ ____
I am intellectually inferior. ____ ____ ____
I am going to faint. ____ ____ ____
I am going to panic. ____ ____ ____
People don’t usually like
me. ____ ____ ____
Other negative thoughts you may have occasionally or frequently:__________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Indicate the degree that the following problems are a concern to you using this scale:
X = concern in the past, not now
0 = never a concern
1 = very slight degree of concern
2 = mild degree of concern
3 = moderate degree of concern
4 = severe degree of concern
5 = very severe degree of concern
sadness
suicidal feelings
loss of energy
low self-esteem
isolation and loneliness
sleep disturbance
headaches
dizziness
angry feelings
mood swings
verbal or emotional abuse
physical abuse
sexual abuse
financial problems
career problems
marital problems
parent/child problems
Goals for Personal Improvement
Below is a list of bad habits and uncomfortable feelings that may include some that are making you feel
anxious and depressed. Check off any habits or uncomfortable feelings that you would like to change:
____ drinking alcoholic beverages too much
____ smoking too much
____ using drugs too much—name the drug(s) _ _________________________________________________
____ eating too much
____ exercising too little
____ feeling too much attraction to members of my own sex
____ feeling too much attraction to members of the opposite sex
____ feeling nauseated when nervous
____ thinking depressing thoughts
____ feeling anxious in crowds
____ feeling anxious in high places
____ worrying about my health
____ feeling anxious in airplanes
____ stuttering
____ washing my hands too often
____ cleaning and straightening things up too often
____ biting my fingernails
____ being careless of my physical appearance
____ feeling anxious in enclosed places
____ feeling anxious in open places
____ being too afraid of blood
____ feeling anxious about contamination or germs
____ feeling anxious about being alone
____ feeling afraid of darkness
____ feeling afraid of certain animals
____ thinking the same thoughts over and over
____ counting my heartbeats
____ hearing voices
____ feeling people are against me or out to get me
____ seeing visions or objects that aren’t really there
____ wetting the bed at night or having difficulty controlling my bladder
____ having difficulty controlling my bowel movement
____ taking too much medicine
____ having too many headaches
____ gambling too much
____ being unable to fall asleep at night
____ exposing my body to strangers
____ wearing clothes of the opposite sex
____ feeling sexually attracted to other people’s clothing or belongings
____ feeling sexually attracted to children
____ feeling sexually attracted to animals
____ feeling a sexual desire to hurt other people
____ feeling a sexual desire to be hurt or humiliated
____ feeling a nonsexual desire to hurt other people
____ feeling a nonsexual desire to be hurt or humiliated
____ stealing or a desire to steal
____ lying
____ yelling at people when I’m angry
____ poor management of money
____ saying foolish things to people
____ having difficulty carrying on a conversation with people
____ bothering or irritating people too much
____ forgetfulness
____ contemplating suicide
____ setting fires or a desire to set fires
____ difficulty being steadily employed
____ feeling uncomfortable at work
____ swearing
____ being too upset when criticized by others
____ having difficulty expressing feelings
____ putting things off that need to be done
____ thinking things that cause guilty feelings
____ feeling anxious when work is being supervised
____ feeling anxious about sexual thoughts
____ feeling anxious about kissing
____ feeling anxious about petting
____ feeling anxious about sexual intercourse
____ having difficulty making decisions when they need to be made
____ feeling uncomfortable with groups of people
____ feeling anxious about: ____________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
____ feeling depressed about: __________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
____ feeling guilty about: ______________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
____ being unable to control my desire to: _ _____________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
How do you plan to change the habits and/or uncomfortable feelings checked above?
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Session Four Handout
Honesty Worksheet I
Sometimes it’s difficult to share concerns with your partner without wrapping your
honesty in Love Busters—especially when it comes to situations where you have
a strong opinion. Let’s look at a situation that needs honesty, but might lead to
Love Buster behavior.
Situation: Mary’s Desire
Dennis has been dressing for an on-going, weekly Bible study wearing sandals,
shorts, and an old t-shirt. Mary doesn’t like how he’s dressing and would like him
to dress a little nicer. What should she do?
Option A: Say nothing and let it go—accepting him for who he is.
Option B: Tell him that he’s a slob and he must change immediately or else!
Option C: Tell him, “I’d love it if you’d wear this instead. How would you feel
about that idea?” If he doesn’t agree, then ask him if he’s willing to negotiate
another outfit.
Option D: Have the outfit mysteriously disappear from the face of the earth.
Discussion
1. Identify the option that would keep the Promise of Honesty. _____
2. Identify the option that would keep the Promise of Protection. _____
3. Identify the Love Buster(s) in the following options:
Option A: _______________________
Option B: _______________________
Option D: _______________________
4. How would these Love Busters affect Dennis?
Situation: Dennis Responds
If Mary chooses Option C, how could Dennis respond to Mary’s honesty?
Option A: Tell her that she is too concerned about what people think and
perhaps she should consider individual counseling to get over her anxiety.
Option B: Tell her “okay” and do whatever she wants him to do—even if it
causes him discomfort every time they go to the Bible study.
Option C: Tell her “okay” to get her off his back, but continue wearing what
he wants to wear.
Option D: Tell her “Thank you for being honest with me.” Then a) “I would be
happy to wear something different—I really don’t care what I wear”; or (b)
“Let’s go to the closet and pick out outfits that we both like. And if we can’t
find anything, let’s go out and buy a couple of outfits together.”
Discussion
1. Identify the option that would value Mary’s honesty. _____
2. Identify the option that would keep the Promise of Protection. _____
3. Identify the Love Buster(s) in the following options:
Option A: _______________________
Option B: _______________________
Option C: _______________________
Session Four Handout
Honesty Worksheet II
Honesty sounds easy. But in real life relationships, it can be difficult to put into
practice—especially when you know that your honesty may anger or hurt your
partner. Take a look at the following scenario, and discuss how honesty—or lack
thereof—would impact the relationship:
Situation: Pam’s Action
Pam came home with a new watch—it was a great deal, but still very expensive!
The problem was that she and Dan had agreed to start saving money for a
vacation. And this wasn’t the first “deal” Pam had bought since their agreement.
Pam knew Dan should have been asked first, but someone else in the store was
eager to buy it. So, she acted upon her instinct and made an independent decision.
Pam could:
Option A: Hide the watch and bring it out later. Then if Dan asks about it, she
can honestly tell him that it was something she bought a while ago.
Option B: Tell Dan that she bought the watch.
Option C: Buy something for Dan to make it “fair,” then after she gives it to
him, tell him that she also bought something for herself.
Discussion
1. What do you think Pam would feel tempted to do?
2. Which option would keep the Promise of Honesty?
3. Which option would keep the Promise of Protection?
4. What negative consequences could result if Pam decides to be dishonest?
Situation: Dan’s Reaction
If Pam was honest about the watch, Dan could:
Option A: Tell her that she was irresponsible and demand that she not have
access to their money until she can show more responsibility.
Option B: Get upset and give her the silent treatment for a few days to make
her pay for the thoughtless act.
Option C: Thank her for being honest and suggest that they create a plan to
overcome unplanned spending.
Discussion
1. What would Dan be tempted to do if Pam was honest about purchasing the
watch?
2. What option would value Pam’s honesty and keep the Promise of
Protection?
3. What negative consequences could result if Dan responds to Pam’s honesty
with Love Busters?
4. If Dan and Pam negotiate a plan to overcome unplanned spending, what are
some possible brainstorming options for solving this problem? (Remember
to give options that are in the best interests of both of them.)
Session Four Handout
Recreational Enjoyment
Inventory
Please indicate how much you enjoy, or think you might enjoy, each recreational activity listed
below. In the space provided by each activity, under the appropriate column (husband’s or wife’s),
circle one of the following numbers to reflect your feelings: 3 = very enjoyable; 2 = enjoyable; 1
= somewhat enjoyable; 0 = no feelings one way or the other; –1 = somewhat unpleasant; –2 =
unpleasant; –3 = very unpleasant. Add to the list, in the spaces provided, activities that you would
enjoy that are not listed. In the third column, add the ratings of both you and your spouse only if
both ratings are positive. The activities with the highest sum are those that you should select when
planning recreational time together.
Activity Husband’s Rating Wife’s Rating Total Rating
Acting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Aerobic exercise –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Amusement parks –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Antique collecting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Archery –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Astronomy –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Auto customizing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Auto racing (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Badminton –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Baseball (playing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Baseball (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Basketball (playing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Basketball (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Bible study –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Bicycling –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Boating –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Bodybuilding –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Bowling –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Boxing (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Bridge –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Camping –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Canasta –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Canoeing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Checkers –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Chess –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Church services –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Coin collecting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Computer games –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Activity Husband’s Rating Wife’s Rating Total Rating
Computer programming –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Computer ______ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Concerts (classical music) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Concerts (country music) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Concerts (rock music) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Cribbage –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Croquet –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Dancing (ballroom) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Dancing (rock) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Dancing (square) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Dancing (_________) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Dining out –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Fishing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Flying (as passenger) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Flying (as pilot) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Football (playing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Football (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Gardening –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Genealogical research –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Golf –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Ham radio –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Handball –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Hiking –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Hockey (playing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Hockey (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Horseback riding –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Horse racing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Horseshoe pitching –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Horse shows (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Hot air ballooning –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Hunting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Ice fishing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Ice skating –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Jogging –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Judo –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Karate –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Knitting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Metalwork –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Model building –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Monopoly –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Mountain climbing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Movies –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Museums –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Opera –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Painting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Photography –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Pinochle –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Plays –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Poetry (writing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Activity Husband’s Rating Wife’s Rating Total Rating
Polo (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Pool (or billiards) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Quilting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Racquetball –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Remodeling (home) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Rock collecting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Roller-skating –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Rowing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Rummy –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Sailing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Sculpting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Shooting (pistol) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Shooting (skeet, trap) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Shopping (clothes) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Shopping (groceries) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Shopping (vehicles) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Shopping (_________) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Shuffleboard –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Sightseeing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Singing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Skiing (cross-country) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Skiing (downhill) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Skiing (water) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Skin diving (snorkeling) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Skydiving –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Snowmobiling –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Softball (playing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Softball (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Spearfishing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Stamp collecting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Surfing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Swimming –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Table tennis –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Taxidermy –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Television –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Tennis –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Tobogganing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Video games –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Video movies (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Video production –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Volleyball –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Weaving –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Woodworking –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Wrestling (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Yachting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Activity Husband’s Rating Wife’s Rating Total Rating
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
_______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________
Time for Undivided Attention Worksheet
For the Week of _______________________
Please report the time you give undivided attention to each other. You must be without friends, relatives, or children and must use the time to engage in conversation,
affection, sex, or recreational activities that promote undivided attention.
First, schedule time to be together by completing the Planned Time Together part of this report. The total for the week should add up to fifteen hours or more. Then,
as the week unfolds, complete the Actual Time Together part of the report. The estimate of time actually given to undivided attention depends on how each of you feels
about the attention given. While you may have been together for two hours, one of you may feel only half of the time was given to undivided attention, while the other
may feel that the entire two hours qualified. Because of this common difference of opinion, each of you is to provide your own estimate. In the last column, the lower
estimate is to be entered. If the planned activity was canceled, explain why under Actual Activities.
At the end of the week, the total of the Lower Estimate column should be entered on the Time for Undivided Attention Graph. It should be fifteen hours or more if
you want to sustain romantic love in your marriage.
Planned Time Together Actual Time Together
Planned Date
Planned Time
(from–to)
Total Planned
Time Planned Activities Actual Activities Her Estimate His Estimate
Lower
Estimate
______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______
______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______
______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______
______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______
______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______
______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______
______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______
Total Time for the Week _______ Total Time for the Week ______
Time for Undivided Attention Graph
Session Four Handout
Hours of Undivided Attention
30
25
20
15
10
5
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Weeks
Session Five Handout
Priority Time
1. List the five most important priorities in your life. What’s most important to
you?
2. List your current activities in a typical weekday (exclude work and sleeprelated
activities) and list the approximate amount of time you spend each
week engaging in the activity. Remember to include down-time activities,
like TV watching and recreational computer time.
ACTIVITY TIME
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
______________________________________________________________ ___________
Couple Discussion
3. Are your highest priorities reflected in the way you’re currently spending your
time? Are there any priorities that are being neglected in your schedule?
4. How much time are you currently spending with your partner? Is this a high
priority?
5. Do you think it will be easier or more difficult to spend time with each other
after you are married? What additional activities/responsibilities may make
it difficult to spend quality time together in the future?
6. What could you do to ensure that your highest priorities in life are represented
in your daily schedule?
Session Five Handout
Time for Love Worksheet
Life is busy, and even the most well-intentioned couples can find it difficult to keep the Promise of
Time. It often takes creative scheduling to find 15 hours each week.
After reviewing the following scenario, identify possible scheduling ideas for Joe and Sherry to reach
their goal of 15 hours for undivided attention.
Scenario
Joe and Sherry have full-time jobs and a 2-year-old child, Mary. Responsibilities with family, work, church,
and friends have given them only 2–4 hours of time alone each week and they are both feeling neglected.
Additional information to consider: Mary is currently sleeping in their bed and usually goes to sleep when
they do at 10 and wakes up when they do at 6; Joe’s mother lives 15 minutes away and has offered to pick
up Mary from day care and bring her home at 8 every Wednesday night; they have four hours per week of
babysitting expenses allocated in their budget.
Scheduling Ideas
Fold Here
Joe and Sherry’s Plan
Discuss together what Sherry and Joe decided to do:
They prepared a separate bed for Mary and gradually helped her adjust to a regular bedtime of 9:00.
This gave them 20 to 30 minutes together every night. (2.25 hours)
Since they were tired at night, they went to sleep 30 minutes earlier and woke up 45 minutes earlier
each weekday morning, using the morning time for undivided attention. (3.75 hours)
They talked to each other on the telephone for 5 minutes every morning, noon, and afternoon during
their weekdays (1.25 hours).
They sat on the sofa after dinner while Mary watched a 15-minute child video each weekday. (1.25
hours)
A babysitter came every Saturday morning from 9:00 to 11:00 and they went for coffee before
grocery shopping together. She also came Sunday afternoons from 2:00 to 4:00 when they did
a special recreational outing. (4 hours).
When Mary naps on Saturday, they dedicate 1 hour for undivided attention (1 hour).
They go out for dinner on Wednesday nights when Joe’s mom babysits Mary (1.5 hours).
If needed, they spent 20 minutes of their lunch times at work together on the phone. (1.75)
Session Five Handout
Feedback Time
Instructions: Thoroughly read the guidelines listed below. Then, using these guidelines
with your partner, evaluate your effectiveness and fine-tune your promise-fulfilling
plan to meet your partner’s most important emotional needs and eliminate your Love
Busters.
These guidelines provide a basic structure to help fine-tune the way you give
the Promise of Care and the Promise of Protection.
1. Create a pleasant and comfortable environment.
2. The goal of this exercise is to fine-tune your plans to give the Promise of Care
and the Promise of Protection. You will review how you are meeting each
other’s emotional needs and avoiding Love Busters, and you will gather
feedback for improvement.
3. To review the Promise of Care, one person will begin by stating his or her
partner’s first emotional need from the Agreement to Meet the Most
Important Emotional Needs. He or she will explain the specific behaviors
being done to meet that need and then ask, “How do those behaviors affect
your feelings for me and how could I improve the quality or quantity of what I
am doing?” After feedback is received, the other person will complete the
same process for his or her partner’s first emotional need. After each person
has reviewed and received feedback, then the same process will be used for
the remaining four needs. It is recommended that notes are taken for future
feedback times. Try to complete this review in less than 30 minutes.
4. To review the Gift of Protection, take turns reviewing each Love Buster you
are trying to eliminate as indicated on the Agreement to Overcome
Love Busters. Describe the changes being made and ask, “Are you feeling
protected or are my current actions still causing you unhappiness?” If the
feedback regarding the elimination of your Love Buster is positive, continue
your current plan of protection. If the feedback indicates that the Love Buster
still needs work, try to a) add to or change the plan to eliminate the Love
Buster, b) review your plan more often (e.g., at least once a day), and/or c)
look for a group, counselor, or friend who can help with accountability and
encouragement as you work toward eliminating the Love Buster. It is recommended
that notes are taken for future feedback times. Try to complete this
review in less than 30 minutes.
5. Remember, your feedback must be given with care. Avoid being disrespectful,
critical, or demanding. You should give information about the quality (the
way the specific behavior meets the need) and quantity (how often and how
much time the desired behavior is given). Try to suggest what you would
like (i.e., specific desired behavior). For example, “I would love it if you could
call me three times a day,” (quantity) or “I would love it if you hugged me
like this” (quality).
6. If the way you are trying to meet your partner’s emotional need(s) is not
mutually appealing, then discover other ways to meet the need(s). You may
consider trying an option for a short period of time. But if it is uncomfortable
for either of you after the trial period, avoid doing it in the future.
7. Schedule another feedback time in one week and then every month for your entire
marriage (on the 1st of each month). Subsequent reviews should take less time
and can be less structured. But remember, needs change and thoughtless
habits may return. By committing to a short review once a month, you will
stay on the promise-keeping track.
Session Six Handout
Promises of Love:
Ready to Go!
During the previous sessions, you’ve learned a lot about the Four Promises of
Love—and how to build a marriage that can last a lifetime. Take the next few
minutes to talk about each of the four promises and summarize what you’ve
learned. With these lessons and goals on hand, you’ll be ready follow the recipe
for a lifetime of love together!
The Promise of Care: I promise to be your primary source of happiness by
meeting your most important emotional needs.
What we’ve learned:
Our goals:
The Promise of Protection: I promise to avoid being the cause of your
unhappiness. The Gift of Protection provides protection from thoughtless/selfish
tendencies that tempt us to gain at each other’s expense, or worse yet, to deliberately
try to hurt each other.
What we’ve learned:
Our goals:
The Promise of Honesty: I promise to be honest with you.
What we’ve learned:
Our goals:
The Promise of Time: I promise to take time to give you my undivided
attention.
What we’ve learned:
Our goals:
Session Six Handout
A Parting Wish
The purpose of this class was for you to build a terrific relationship with your
fiancé(e). But there’s more! Most couples that end up with a troubled marriage
were once very much in love, just like you are now. But instead of preserving that
love, their actions lead to disastrous consequences—infidelity, mental and physical
abuse, and emotional abandonment. Once these couples learn how to live out
the promises of Care, Protection, Honesty, and Time, they find their marriage
returning to solid ground. Many end up thinking, I wish we had followed the Four
Promises of Love years ago.
Fortunately, you now have the tools to build a solid marriage right from the
start: If you make it a priority to give your fiancé(e) the Four Promises of Love
throughout your marriage, you can enjoy being in love with each other for all
the years ahead.
So as you approach your wedding day, here are some parting words of advice
to help you live out the Four Promises of Love:
1. You will have choice points in your life—when to have a child, what job
to take, where to move, what budget to follow, what to do this weekend,
whether or not to join a sports team, etc. With every decision, make it
your goal to keep romantic love in your marriage. Make the Four
Promises of Love your life’s template. For example, if you are thinking about
a particular job, ask yourselves: Will we be able to maintain our daily time
together? Will we be able to care for each other? Will we be able to maintain
an honest relationship? Will we be able to maintain a caring relationship with
God? By following this template, many tragic outcomes can be avoided.
2. Bells and whistles don’t sound off when you have taken a path that leads
to tragedy. That’s why you should keep a regularly scheduled review
time throughout your engagement and marriage. Mark your calendars for
a regular time each month. Then use this review to receive feedback and
remind yourself to keep the Four Promises of Love. It’s easy to get out of
thoughtful habits and into thoughtless ones. You will need continual reminders
to stay on track. And a habit of reviewing the Four Promises of Love will
allow you to make critical lifestyle adjustments before troubles arise in your
relationship.
3. Protect your Love Bank. Falling in love with someone other than your
spouse is easier than you think. As a matter of fact, you’re wired to have an
affair, and most marriages suffer the tragic consequences! It starts innocently,
by regularly allowing someone to meet your most important emotional
needs (i.e., talking together, showing acts of kindness, sharing a recreational
activity). If you give someone of the opposite gender time to meet your
most important emotional needs, they will make Love Bank deposits. And
the greater the Love Bank account becomes, the more difficult it is to resist
an affair. Here are some rules to help you guard your Love Bank:
Spend most of your recreational time either alone or with your spouse.
Avoid recreational activities with someone who could build Love Bank balances
by simply being with you when you are enjoying yourself.
Inform your spouse if you are developing an attraction toward
someone.
If someone tells you that he or she finds you attractive, be prepared to
tell them how much you love your spouse. Then tell your spouse about the
situation.
Avoid talking about personal matters or feelings with someone of the
opposite gender.
If you want to care for someone of the opposite gender, do it only with
your spouse present.
If your spouse’s job or your job requires travel, use additional precautions
to avoid increased vulnerability and opportunity (i.e., avoid alcohol use that
would lower your inhibitions).
4. We aren’t perfect. This isn’t a major revelation—we all know that there are
days that we don’t do what we promise to do. And you and your fiancé(e)
won’t keep your four Promises of Love perfectly either. You’ll occasionally
make a thoughtless decision, you’ll let something interfere with your time
together, or you’ll blurt out a disrespectful judgment. The scheduled reviews
mentioned above should keep you from straying too far off the Promises of
Love path. But when this happens, you will need to learn how to “re-up.”
It’s a military term that means “to re-enlist for service.” If you start to stray
from the path, be prepared to “re-up” or re-enlist to fulfill your promises
to your fiancé(e). A commitment to “re-up” will help keep you giving and
receiving these Gifts of Love.
Congratulations on completing your counseling! And best wishes for your wedding
day and the marriage that follows.
About the Author of I Promise You
Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD, is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor. Over the
past thirty-five years he has helped thousands of couples overcome marital conflict and
restore their love for each other. His innovative counseling methods are described in the
books and articles he writes. Dr. Harley also leads training workshops for couples and marriage
counselors and has appeared on thousands of radio and television programs.
Willard Harley and Joyce, his wife of forty-three years, live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota.
They are the parents of two married children who are also marriage counselors.
Be sure to visit Dr. Harley’s website at www.marriagebuilders.com.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment