Right to Information now!!!

Right to Information now!!!
Fight for your control

Thursday, January 22

I Promise You

A Leader’s Guide based on I Promise You Preparing For a Marriage That Will Last a Lifetime by Willard F. Harley, Jr. Materials adapted from The Four Gifts of Love Workbook and Leader’s Guide by Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers. Contents Before You Begin 5 Overview of Lessons Getting Ready to Counsel Session One: Introduction 7 Opening Activity: Welcome and Introduction Review Reading Assignment Exercise: The Great Impact Closing Session Two: The Gift of Care 10 Opening Activity: Happiest Place Exercise Review Reading Assignment Exercise: The Birthday Gift Closing Session Three: The Gift of Protection 14 Opening Activity: On the Menu Review Reading Assignment Exercise: Identifying Love Busters Worksheet Exercise: Finding Options Closing Session Four: The Gift of Honesty 18 Opening Activity: Honesty Worksheet I Review Reading Assignment Exercise: Honesty Worksheet II Closing Contents Session Five: The Gift of Time 21 Opening Activity: Priority Time Review Reading Assignment Exercise: Time for Love Worksheet Closing Session Six: Review 24 Opening Activity: Coffee or Tea? Review and Questions Review the Policies of Mutual Agreement and Radical Honesty Handouts Closing Handouts 29 About the Author Before You Begin This guide contains lessons for six sessions to guide couples through the concepts from I Promise You. In week one you will introduce the topics that you will look at more in depth over the next few weeks, and in week six you will wrap up everything you have learned. In every other session you will find activities, exercises, and discussion questions that follow the book. Although each lesson may vary slightly, the following is a suggested time allotment for each section. Opening Activity 15 minutes Review Reading Assignment 20 minutes Exercise(s) 15–20 minutes Closing 5 minutes Note: Each assignment and lesson in this leader’s guide has been carefully crafted to enhance the participants’ learning process. Therefore, it’s important to use each piece of this curriculum as presented. Overview of Lessons Session 1: Introduction • Introduces the Love Bank—and how couples make deposits into and withdrawals from each other’s accounts. • Discusses the differences between romantic love and caring love. Session 2: The Gift of Care • Introduces the concept of emotional needs in marriage. • Identifies the ten most common emotional needs of marriage. • Discusses ways of meeting emotional needs within marriage. • Explains the importance of meeting emotional needs in mutually enjoyable ways. • Provides couples with the opportunity to identify and share their emotional needs with each other. I Promise You • Study Guide Session 3: The Gift of Protection • Identifies behaviors—called Love Busters—that destroy love. • Presents the Policy of Joint Agreement. • Reviews four guidelines for negotiation to help couples find mutually agreeable solutions to problems or disagreements. • Provides couples with the opportunity to identify, discuss, and overcome Love Busters in their relationships. Session 4: The Gift of Honesty • Presents the Policy of Radical Honesty. • Reviews the Five Parts of Honesty. • Provides couples with the opportunity to practice honesty with each other. Session 5: The Gift of Time • Presents the Policy of Undivided Attention. • Explains the need for couples to spend at least 15 hours a week offering undivided attention to each other. • Provides recommendations for how to schedule time for undivided attention. Session 6: Review • Reviews the Four Promises of Care, Protection, Honesty, and Time. • Reviews the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty. Getting Ready to Counsel About one week prior to your first session, distribute a copy of I Promise You to each participant. Instruct them to read chapter 1 and, as a couple, to answer the chapter’s “Talk about This” questions. Also note the “Preparation” section for each lesson; this is a list of handouts and materials you will need to prepare ahead of time. As the leader, your obvious role is to help guide participants through the lessons. But your most important role is to encourage the couples to complete their assignments. What couples do during your session is not as important as what they did during the previous week. Each lesson is carefully designed to expand upon and apply the concepts presented in I Promise You. It’s important to encourage couples to come prepared with assignments completed. Session One: Introduction Preparation: • Print copies (1 per couple unless otherwise indicated) of the following: 2 Couple Information Sheet 2 Lesson Overview 2 Assignment Checklist (1 per person) 2 The Great Impact 2 Emotional Needs Questionnaire (1 per person) 2 Agreement to Meet the Most Important Emotional Needs 2 Evaluation Time: Emotional Needs • Bring a pencil or pen for each person. • Have a white board and markers available. Opening Activity: Welcome and Introduction Introduce yourself and welcome participants to the session. Share your excitement about guiding them through I Promise You. Distribute pens or pencils and the Couple Information Sheet, asking couples to complete the handout by the end of the session. Get to know the participants by encouraging them to share some information about themselves, such as their hobbies, how they met, and what their families are like. Distribute the Lesson Overview to each couple. Read through the handout and explain that each lesson will build on the previous one, so attendance and assignment completion are important. Distribute the Assignment Checklist to each person. Reading through the handout is not necessary; simply explain the importance of completing the reading and activity assignments prior to each session. Each “day” assignment will take about 30 to 45 minutes to complete, so it’s best to spread the assignments out on separate days. I Promise You • Study Guide Review Reading Assignment 1. What are the four key promises that Dr. Harley encourages you to make to each other? Care, Protection, Honesty, and Time. 2. What is a Love Bank and how does it affect the way we feel about others? The Love Bank is the way our emotions keep track of how people treat us. Good experiences deposit “love units,” leading us to like or even love a person. Bad experiences withdraw love units, leading us to dislike or even hate a person. 3. How is the feeling of romantic love created? And what can cause that feeling to be lost? When you have received a certain amount of deposits from someone of the opposite gender (i.e., the romantic-love threshold is reached), the feeling of romantic love will be triggered. If Love Bank balances fall below that threshold, you will lose the feeling of romantic love—you will like the person, but you will not be in love. 4. How do we come to dislike someone we once loved? If love units continue to be withdrawn, eventually your Love Bank balance will reach zero, and you will neither like nor dislike the person. When their accounts reach negative territory, you dislike them. When a large number of love units have been withdrawn (i.e., the hate threshold is reached), you will hate that person. 5. What is the difference between romantic love and caring love? Why do you need to have caring love in a marriage? Romantic love is a feeling. Caring love is a decision. Caring love is the willingness to take time and effort to make someone happy or to give the Four Promises of Love. Without caring love, it is impossible to preserve your feelings of romantic love. 6. Should keeping the Four Promises of Love depend on how you feel for each other? We can’t control our feelings, but we can control what we do with them. It’s easier to give caring love to someone we like, but even when we dislike someone, we can make the decision to give caring love. Romantic love is a feeling that may rise and fall during marriage. But caring love is a commitment to follow through with your Promises of Love, no matter how you feel. Exercise: The Great Impact Explain that this class will help participants learn how to keep the Promises of Love in their marriage relationship: Why is it important to keep those promises for a lifetime? We know a marriage relationship is important, but do you really know its impact throughout life? This exercise will help you see the great impact that marriage will have on you. Session One: Introduction Distribute The Great Impact handout to each couple. Instruct them to take five minutes to answer the questions together. Then discuss these questions: 1. How many areas of impact or influence did you identify? (Ask each couple to give their total number.) 2. What are those areas? (Write down their responses on a white board. Possible answers include: family—immediate and extended, friends—close and extended, children—young and old, ministry, job, career choice, finances, personal health, society, happiness, emotions, social skills, rules of life, hobbies, government, community discipline, goals, witness, decisions, energy, priorities, world view, economy, legacy, relationship with God.) 3. Discuss further a few areas of impact. How does a marriage relationship affect each? (e.g., personal health—when a marriage is in crisis, there is stress on the body, physically and emotionally, which can affect one’s immune system; finances—a couple’s standard of living can be higher with two paychecks versus one, but if a couple is not making decisions together, finances can be negatively affected) 4. Do you think there is any other human relationship that compares to marriage in terms of greatest impact? (If anyone identifies another relationship, list the areas of impact and compare lists. Marriage should have more areas of impact.) Summarize your findings: Clearly, your marriage will be the most influential human relationship you will ever have in your lifetime. So it makes sense to learn how to make it terrific . . . for a lifetime! Closing As you wrap up your first session, take a few minutes to do the following: Review the time and date of your next session. Review the second assignment from the Assignment Checklist. Advise participants that the homework could take two to three hours to complete. Distribute copies of the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, Agreement to Meet the Emotional Needs, and Evaluation Time. These are needed for next week’s assignments. Ask them to bring these forms back to your next session. Collect the Couple Information Sheet. Thank couples for their preparation and participation in the discussion. *Note: It’s recommended for the leader to call, text, or email each participant a few days before the next class to encourage assignment completion and attendance. 10 Session Two: The Gift of Care Preparation • Print out copies of the following worksheets (1 per couple unless otherwise indicated): 2 The Birthday Gift 2 Love Busters Questionnaire (1 per person) 2 Agreement to Overcome Love Busters 2 Evaluation Time: Love Busters • Bring an index card and pen or pencil for each person in the class. Opening Activity: Happiest Place Exercise Welcome participants to this second session and tell them you’d like to start with a brief activity that will help you get to know them better—and help them learn more about each other. Give each person an index card (include yourself in this activity) and have everyone write down their answer to this question: Where is the happiest place on earth for you? Encourage each participant to be specific (e.g., golf course, Disneyland, sofa in family room, bed). When you’ve finished writing, share responses with each other and list them on the white board. Then ask participants, “What makes your ‘happiest place on earth’ happy for you?” Wrap up this activity by asking, “Did you notice that we don’t all have the same ‘happiest place’?” and by making this brief point: We are different regarding what makes us happy. Some places trigger intense feelings of happiness; some don’t. Similarly, when your partner does a certain behavior, intense feelings of happiness will be triggered at that moment, while other behaviors won’t trigger the same feeling. Your assignments this week were designed to help you identify what will make you happy within your marital relation11 Session Two: The Gift of Care ship. They also help you understand the importance of meeting each other’s emotional needs, or being a source of happiness, as a response to your Promise of Care. Review Reading Assignment 1. What does the Promise of Care mean? I promise to be your primary source of happiness by meeting your most important emotional needs. Care means what you do for each other. 2. What is an emotional need? Can you give an example of an emotional need? An emotional need is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves us feeling happy and content. When it’s unsatisfied, we feel unhappy and frustrated. Examples might include a need for chocolate, watching sports, or receiving gifts on your birthday. 3. How will caring for each other help you stay in love? When you meet each other’s emotional needs, you are making deposits in each other’s Love Banks. When you make a habit of caring for each other this way, you will keep enough “units” in your Love Banks to stay over the romantic love threshold. 4. What are the four most important emotional needs in marriage? Affection, Sexual Fulfillment, Intimate Conversation, and Recreational Companionship. 5. What are the six other common emotional needs in marriage? Honesty, Physical Attractiveness, Financial Support, Domestic Support, Family Commitment, and Admiration. 6. Why is it important for emotional needs to be met in ways that are mutually enjoyable? It’s important to strive for mutuality when meeting a need for a number of reasons: (1) it’s difficult to sustain a habit that consistently causes pain, so to create a lifestyle of consistently meeting each other’s needs, the manner in which you meet the need will need to be enjoyable for it to continue; (2) not meeting needs in a mutually enjoyable way leads to feelings of entitlement and resentment for the one who is sacrificing (e,g, “I reluctantly went shopping with you for 10 hours to meet your need of recreational companionship, now I get (fill in the blank) even though it makes you unhappy); and (3) although it takes time to negotiate and a period of trial and adjustment, couples can create habits and a routine that meet emotional needs in mutually enjoyable ways. Couples do not want to get into a thoughtless cycle of exchanging one person’s suffering for the other’s happiness. This only causes problems and maladjustment. 7. Why is there a risk when someone of the opposite sex—besides your partner— meets your most important emotional needs? If another member of the opposite sex meets your most important emotional needs, they will make so many deposits in your Love Bank that it could trigger the feelings 12 I Promise You • Study Guide of romantic love. This is why it’s wise to make sure that those important emotional needs are met by your partner exclusively. 8. What kind of lifestyle rules could you and your partner follow to prevent someone else of the opposite gender from filling up your Love Banks and triggering feelings of romantic love? Note: Some suggestions are listed below, but answers may vary. No recreational activities alone with someone of the opposite gender. Don’t drive alone with someone of the opposite gender. No conversation with someone of the opposite gender about the intimate details of your life—feelings, family, marriage relationship, problems. Develop same-gender friendships that can meet the needs of conversation, recreational companionship, and affection when a spouse is unavailable (i.e., on a trip or unable to meet needs due to chronic illness). If you want to care for someone in a time of need, do it only with your spouse. If your job requires you to travel, have an accountability partner of the same gender to make sure you continue to protect your spouse from thoughtless behaviors, and avoid anything that would lessen the ability to control yourself, like alcohol use. If you find yourself attracted to someone else of the opposite gender, tell your spouse and avoid contact with that person. Know your needs—they are also your weaknesses and the easiest way people can make deposits into your Love Bank. If someone tells you that they are attracted to you, tell him/her that you love your spouse and that your marriage is committed to a policy of radical honesty, and run! 9. If you feel dissatisfied with the way your partner is meeting your needs, how could you express it in a helpful way? What would be some healthy guidelines for sharing these concerns with each other? Use statements that give a specific, positive suggestion of what you would like. For example, “I’d love it if you could call me a few times during the day.” Also it would be helpful to schedule regular times during the year to evaluate need-meeting behaviors, asking if they are hitting the mark regarding quality, quantity, and mutuality. Exercise: The Birthday Gift Distribute the Birthday Gift handout. Read through the handout and answer the questions together. 13 Session Two: The Gift of Care Closing Before you close this session, do the following: Review the time and date of your next session. Review the third assignment from the Assignment Checklist. Advise participants that the homework could take two to three hours to complete. Distribute a copy of the Love Busters Questionnaire to each person and the Agreement to Overcome Love Busters and Evaluation Time handout to each couple. These are needed for next week’s assignment. Thank participants for their preparation and participation in the discussion. 14 Session Three: The Gift of Protection Preparation • Print copies of the following handouts (1 per couple unless otherwise indicated): 2 Identifying Love Busters Worksheet 2 Finding Options 2 Personal History Questionnaire (1 per person) • Bring a pen or pencil for each participant • Bring the following supplies for the On-the-Menu exercise: 2 take-out menus from several area restaurants 2 one sheet of wide-ruled paper for each couple Opening Activity: On the Menu After welcoming participants, explain: As we are learning, negotiation is an essential part of creating a compatible lifestyle. So this exercise is dedicated to helping you negotiate with the Policy of Joint Agreement. Distribute a take-out menu and pen or pencil to each couple. Tell them to imagine that they must order two of the same meal from the menu. Take them step-by-step through the four steps of negotiation as they select the meal they will order. Proceed to the next step only after they’ve completed the current step. Step One: Agree to make negotiation safe and pleasant. Instruct each partner to say to the other, “I will make this negotiation pleasant and safe.” Step Two: Identify the problem from both of your perspectives. Instruct one person to share his or her perspective with the other in two to three sentences. Give an example: “I like something that has a beefy taste and some vegetables. I don’t 15 Session Three: The Gift of Protection like fish.” Then the listener restates what was heard. Instruct them to repeat this process with the other person. Step Three: Brainstorm. Pass out a piece of lined paper to each couple and instruct them to write down brainstorm options. Remind them not to discuss any options, only write them down. Step Four: Pick the solution that is appealing to both of you. Instruct couples to write their initials on the top left side margin of their paper and draw a vertical line down the margin to separate the initials. Then instruct them to vote for each option using a 1 to 5 rating scale (5 = extremely enthusiastic, 1 = not enthusiastic). Pick the option that is enthusiastically agreed upon. If there isn’t an option that is mutually appealing, brainstorm more solutions. Or you don’t get to eat! (The default key for the Policy of Joint Agreement is not to do anything until there is an enthusiastic agreement.) Ask each couple to share what they will be eating together. Then discuss the following questions: 1. What did you learn about negotiating with the Policy of Joint Agreement? 2. What part was difficult? 3. What part was easy? 4. Do you think you will always feel like negotiating? Review: It’s important to remember that negotiation may not be instinctive. You may not feel like doing it. What is instinctive is to make a decision that is good for your partner but bad for you, or to make a decision that is good for you but bad for your partner. Again, the purpose of negotiating is to find a solution that meets the Policy of Joint Agreement. This forces couples to take each other into consideration at the same time. Review Reading Assignment 1. What is the Promise of Protection? It is a promise to avoid being the cause of your fiancé(e)’s unhappiness. The Gift of Protection provides protection from thoughtless/selfish tendencies that tempt you to gain at each other’s expense, or worse yet, to deliberately try to hurt each other. 2. What is a Love Buster? Love Busters are thoughtless habits that exist in most marriages. They lead to large Love Bank withdrawals and can destroy your feelings of romantic love. Because they are habits, they usually require some effort to overcome. 3. What are the six key Love Busters that hurt marriages? Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts, Dishonesty, Annoying Habits, and Independent Behavior. 16 I Promise You • Study Guide 4. What is the Policy of Joint Agreement? Never do anything without enthusiastic, mutual agreement between you and your partner. 5. How does the Policy of Joint Agreement help you avoid Love Busters in your relationship? The root cause of all Love Busters is thoughtlessness and a selfish desire to get our own way. The Policy of Joint Agreement bypasses these problems by forcing you to take your partner’s feelings into account before you take action or make decisions. 6. How does the Policy of Joint Agreement help you build a compatible lifestyle? It ensures that all your activities and decisions will be mutually enjoyable. It also helps each person avoid independent behaviors that can lead to an incompatible lifestyle. 7. How can you avoid feeling resentment when you don’t get something you wanted because of the Policy of Joint Agreement? You can negotiate a new solution and brainstorm an option that you’ll both enjoy. 8. What are the four steps to successful negotiation? First, set ground rules to make negotiations pleasant and safe. Second, identify the problem from both of your perspectives. Third, brainstorm solutions with abandon. Fourth, pick the solution that is appealing to both of you. Exercise: Identifying Love Busters Worksheet Give each couple a copy of the Identifying Love Busters Worksheet and ask them to take five minutes to answer the questions. When completed, briefly review the answers together: Mary’s Options: (a) dishonesty; (b) disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, and maybe angry outbursts; (c) none; and (d) independent behavior. Dennis’ Options: (a) disrespectful judgments; (b) dishonesty; (c) dishonesty; and (d) none. Review: What is the phrase you could use to gently suggest how a behavior could be fine-tuned? “I’d love it if . . .” or “I like it when . . .” Exercise: Finding Options Distribute the Finding Options handout to each couple. Instruct them to take five minutes to answer the questions. When completed, briefly review answers together. On the white board, write the headings “Perspectives—Ann and Jason” and “Options.” Then write the answers on the white board. 17 Session Three: The Gift of Protection Closing Before you leave, ask each person to briefly share one concept that he or she has found helpful or interesting. Then review the time and date of your next session, review the assignment for the next session, and advise participants that the homework could take two to three hours to complete. Give each participant a copy of the Personal History Questionnaire to complete before your next meeting. Thank everyone for their preparation and participation in the discussion. 18 Session Four: The Gift of Honesty Preparation • Print copies (1 per couple) of following handouts: 2 Honesty Worksheet I 2 Honesty Worksheet II 2 Recreational Enjoyment Inventory 2 Time for Undivided Attention Worksheet and Graph • Bring a pen or pencil for each participant. Opening Activity: Honesty Worksheet I Welcome participants and distribute pens or pencils and Honesty Worksheet I. Read through the handout and answer the questions together. Review Reading Assignment 1. What is the Promise of Honesty? A commitment to do what you can to make everything about yourself transparent to the other—your feelings and reactions, what you have done in the past, what you are doing in the present, and what you plan to do in the future. 2. Why is honesty so important in marriage? Without honesty, you can’t meet each other’s emotional needs effectively or create plans that are mutually agreeable. Honesty allows you to make adjustments in your relationship before your Love Banks experience too many withdrawals. 3. What does it mean to have emotional honesty? Reveal your emotional reactions—both positive and negative—to the events of your life, particularly to your partner’s behavior. 19 Session Four: The Gift of Honesty 4. What does it mean to have historical honesty? Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure. 5. What does it mean to have current honesty? Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your partner. 6. What does it mean to have future honesty? Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives. 7. What does it mean to have complete honesty? Do not leave your partner with false impressions about your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, or plans for the future. Do not deliberately keep information from your partner. 8. What are the four primary reasons a person lies in a relationship? 1) Protection, 2) Avoiding trouble, 3) Trying to look better than they are, 4) Compulsion. 9. Are there ever situations where honesty is a Love Buster? In other words, are there times when it’s better to keep the truth to yourself? No, even when revealing the truth may be hurtful, you should be honest. Remember, it’s not honesty that is the Love Buster, but rather the behavior that the honesty reveals. Dishonesty merely postpones your fiancé(e)’s discovery of the truth—and then they will be hurt by the original behavior and the fact that you tried to hide it from them. 10. What phrase can you use to show that you value honesty? Thank you for being honest. 11. What should you and your fiancé(e) do after honest information is revealed? Negotiate a solution that would prevent the painful behavior or decision from being repeated in the future. Exercise: Honesty Worksheet II Distribute Honesty Worksheet II to each couple. Read through the handout and answer the questions together. On the white board, write the answers to this final question from the handout: If Dan and Pam negotiate a plan to overcome thoughtless spending, what are some possible brainstorming options for solving this problem? (Remember to give options that are in the best interest of both.) 20 I Promise You • Study Guide Closing Before you dismiss the class, take a minute to review the time and date of your next session and to review next week’s assignment. Remind participants that the assignment could take two to three hours to complete. Distribute the Recreational Enjoyment Inventory and the Time for Undivided Attention Worksheet and Graph to each couple. These are needed for next week’s assignments. Thank participants for their preparation and participation in the discussion. 21 Session Five: The Gift of Time Preparation • Print copies of the following handouts (1 per couple unless otherwise indicated): 2 Priority Time (1 per person) 2 Time for Love Worksheet 2 Feedback Time • Bring a pen or pencil for each participant. Opening Activity: Priority Time After welcoming the participants, begin the session by distributing a pen or pencil and the Priority Time handout to each person. Instruct each individual to complete the first part on their own, then discuss the Couple Discussion questions together. After they’ve completed their discussion, ask the following questions: What did you learn from the Priority Time exercise? What additional activities or responsibilities may make it challenging to give each other the Promise of Time? What could be done to make sure this promise is kept even when those responsibilities arise? Review Reading Assignment 1. What is the Promise of Time? A commitment to schedule enough time for undivided attention each week to meet your partner’s important emotional needs. 22 I Promise You • Study Guide 2. What is the Policy of Undivided Attention? Give your partner a minimum of fifteen hours of undivided attention each week to fulfill each other’s important emotional needs. 3. How do you practice privacy in following the Policy of Undivided Attention? Your time together should not include friends, relatives, or children. You need to establish time when you can focus solely on each other. 4. What should your objectives be when following the Policy of Undivided Attention? Your time together should be spent in activities that will meet your most important emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, and recreational companionship. 5. What amount of time will you need to spend in undivided attention once you are married? To maintain your feelings of love, you need to spend at least fifteen hours each week giving undivided attention. Should your relationship suffer dissatisfaction for a time, you will need to plan more time together until marital satisfaction is once again achieved. 6. What is the best way to make sure that you follow the Policy of Undivided Attention? Set aside a short time each week to plan your fifteen hours of Undivided Attention for that week. Unless you actually schedule this time, you likely won’t follow through on your desire to spend that time together. 7. Why is it important that you be recreational companions and avoid pursuing your leisure activities separately? Spending your leisure time together is not only the best way to build your relationship, but it will also help you experience the most interesting and enjoyable parts of your life together. If you frequently spend leisure time independently, you risk losing your emotional bond with your partner and allowing someone else to make Love Bank deposits during those activity times. You may also find that if you enjoy leisure activities apart that you become bored with your partner. Exercise: Time for Love Worksheet Give each couple a copy of the Time for Love Worksheet. After they fold the paper where indicated, instruct them to think of scheduling ideas for Joe and Sherry. Allow five minutes for them to brainstorm. Then discuss ideas together and list the scheduling ideas on the white board. After the ideas are exhausted, read the folded portion of the page that gives Joe and Sherry’s plan. 23 Session Five: The Gift of Time Review: Remember, it’s recommended that you find a specific time each week to schedule your fifteen hours together. Otherwise, your high priority will not be represented in your daily living. Closing Before you leave, review the time and date of your next session and remind the couples of their next assignment on the Assignment Checklist. Advise them that the homework could take two to three hours to complete. Also, distribute the Feedback Time handout to each couple, which will be needed for next week’s assignment. Thank everyone for their preparation and participation in the discussion. 24 Session Six: Review Preparation • Print copies for each participant of the following: 2 Promises of Love: Ready to Go! 2 A Parting Wish • Bring pens and pencils for participants • Prepare the following supplies for the opening activity: 2 a pot of hot water 2 various tea bags (e.g., herbal, green, decaffeinated, lemon, earl grey) 2 instant coffee 2 hot chocolate packets 2 cups 2 a container or packets of sugar (white and brown), a container of cream or powdered cream 2 spoons • Write the following on a white board or prepare a handout with the following instructions: Welcome! Before we start the class, please do the following: 1. Ask your partner if he or she would like tea, coffee, or hot chocolate. 2. Try to gather specific information about quality and quantity for making the drink: How much sugar or cream? Herbal tea or another type? 3. After gathering information, make the drink for your partner according to his or her specifications. 4. Ask your partner if the drink you made hit the mark for quality and quantity or if it needs to be fine-tuned. (Use “I’d love it if” for adjustment requests.) 5. After the drink perfectly hits the mark, sit down for class. 25 Session Six: Review Opening Activity: Coffee or Tea? Welcome participants to their final session and direct their attention to the instructions on the board. After participants are seated with their drinks, discuss the following questions: 1. What Promises of Love were involved in this activity? This activity represented all four promises. The Promise of Honesty—expressing your coffee or tea recipe for making you happy; The Promise of Protection—expressing your honesty and feedback without Love Busters; The Promise of Care—making the drink with the recipe that would make your partner the happiest; and The Promise of Time—taking the time to listen and respond to your partner. 2. Do you think you could get into the habit of making the coffee or tea the way that produces the greatest happiness for each other? Yes. 3. Could you get into this habit even though you didn’t care for that recipe of coffee or tea? Yes. 4. Why did you want to follow your partner’s recipe when making the drink instead of the recipe you would like yourself? It makes him/her the happiest. 5. How would you feel if your partner gave you a cup of coffee or tea that didn’t hit the mark, like black coffee when you like coffee with sugar and cream, or tea with 10 teaspoons of sugar when you like only one? You still might be thankful for the effort, but it wouldn’t make you happy and it might even cause you to be frustrated. 6. In what ways does this activity remind you of what we discussed during the previous assignments and lessons about emotional needs? The second assignment helped you discover the recipe for meeting your partner’s most important emotional needs. That is one part of the Promise to Care gathering information about how you can be a source of happiness. The next part is practicing that recipe. Individual tastes may not be the same for each person, and what makes one person happy doesn’t necessarily make the other happy. Missing the mark has repercussions. If we miss the mark, we miss the opportunity to deposit lots of love units and also run the risk of developing resentment. 26 I Promise You • Study Guide Review and Questions Ask these questions about the Four Promises of Love. Invite the couple to write down their responses, using the Promises of Love: Ready to Go! handout. 1. What are some helpful lessons you learned about your relationship through your discussion of the Promise of Care? 2. How do you plan to live out the Promise of Care in your relationship? What are some specific goals you have agreed to? 3. Do you have any questions or concerns about keeping the Promise of Care? Answers will vary. 4. What are some helpful lessons you learned about your relationship through your discussion of the Promise of Protection? 5. How do you plan to live out the Promise of Protection in your relationship? What are some specific goals you have agreed to? Answers will vary. 6. Do you have any questions or concerns about keeping the Promise of Protection? 7. What are some helpful lessons you learned about your relationship through your discussion of the Promise of Honesty? 8. How do you plan to live out the Promise of Honesty in your relationship? What are some specific goals you have agreed to? Answers will vary. 9. Do you have any questions or concerns about keeping the Promise of Honesty? 10. What are some helpful lessons you learned about your relationship through your discussion of the Promise of Time? Answers will vary. 11. How do you plan to live out the Promise of Time in your relationship? What are some specific goals you have agreed to? 12. Do you have any questions or concerns about keeping the Promise of Time? Review the Policies of Mutual Agreement and Radical Honesty Handouts 1. Do you remember what the Policy of Mutual Agreement says? Never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of both you and your fiancé(e). 2. What phrase helps you live out the Policy of Mutual Agreement? “How would you feel if . . . ?” 3. Did learning this policy change any of your attitudes or behaviors in your relationship? If so, how? 4. What should you do if you disagree on an issue? How can you find mutual agreement? 27 Session Six: Review Set ground rules to negotiate without Love Busters, identify the problem from both of your perspectives, brainstorm solutions, and pick a solution that you both find acceptable. 5. Have you had an opportunity to put the Policy of Mutual Agreement to work in your relationship? How did it work? 6. Do you remember what the Policy of Radical Honesty says? Reveal to your fiancé(e) as much information as you know: your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes and dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and future plans. 7. What phrase helps you to show that honesty is valued in your relationship? “Thank you for being honest with me.” 8. Have you found it easy or difficult to practice radical honesty with each other? 9. What benefits have you experienced by being honest with each other? Closing Give each couple a copy of A Parting Wish. Read through it together as a review. Ask if there are any comments or questions. After you have finished, take some time to congratulate participants on completing their counseling and provide contact information if they have any questions or concerns in the future. 29 Handouts Session One Handout Couple Information Sheet The following information will be used only by your leader. Please note any special concerns or requests at the bottom of this sheet. Male’s Name:_ _________________________________________________________ Age: _____ cell#: ________________________ email: _________________________________ Home phone #: ________________________________________________ Female’s Name:_________________________________________________________ Age: _____ cell#: ________________________ email: _________________________________ Home phone #: ________________________________________________ City/Cities where you reside (write in different cities if needed): __________________________________________ _________________________ __________________ Wedding Date: _______________________ Have either of you been married before? If so, note which of you was married and for how long. Thank you! Session One Handout Lesson Overview Session 1: Introduction 2 Introduces the Love Bank—and how couples make deposits into and withdrawals from each other’s accounts. 2 Discusses the differences between romantic love and caring love. Session 2: The Promise of Care 2 Introduces the concept of emotional needs in marriage. 2 Identifies the ten most common emotional needs of marriage. 2 Discusses ways of meeting emotional needs within marriage. 2 Explains the importance of meeting emotional needs in mutually enjoyable ways. 2 Provides couples with the opportunity to identify and share their emotional needs with each other. Session 3: The Promise of Protection 2 Identifies behaviors—called Love Busters—that destroy love. 2 Presents the Policy of Joint Agreement. 2 Reviews four guidelines for negotiation to help couples find mutually agreeable solutions to problems or disagreements. 2 Provides couples with the opportunity to identify, discuss, and overcome Love Busters in their relationships. Session 4: The Promise of Honesty 2 Presents the Policy of Radical Honesty. 2 Reviews the Five Parts of Honesty. 2 Provides couples with the opportunity to practice honesty with each other. Session 5: The Promise of Time 2 Presents the Policy of Undivided Attention. 2 Explains the need for couples to spend at least fifteen hours a week offering undivided attention to each other. 2 Provides recommendations for how to schedule time for undivided attention. Session 6: Review 2 Reviews the Four Promises of Care, Protection, Honesty, and Time. 2 Reviews the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty. Session One Handout Assignment Checklist First Assignment (to be completed before Session One): 8 Read Chapter 1 of I Promise You. 8 Answer the chapter’s “Talk about It” questions together. Second Assignment (to be completed before Session Two): 8 Day 1: Read Chapter 2 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It” questions together. 8 Day 2: Read Chapter 3 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It” questions together. 8 Day 3: Read Chapter 4 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It” questions together. 8 Day 4: Complete Assignment 1 (p. 46) by answering part A of the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Then together, complete Assignment 2 (p. 49) by filling in and signing the Agreement to Meet the Most Important Emotional Needs. 8 Day 5: Complete Assignment 3 (p. 50) by answering part B of the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Then together read through and use the Evaluation Time guidelines to share this information. Third Assignment (to be completed before Session Three): 8 Day 1: Read Chapter 5 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It” questions together. 8 Day 2: Read Chapter 6 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It” questions together. 8 Day 3: Read Chapter 7 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It” questions together. 8 Day 4: Complete Assignments 4 and 5 (pp. 93–94) by answering the Love Busters Questionnaire. Then together read through and use the Evaluation Time guidelines to share this information. After sharing the information, complete Assignment 6 (p. 94) by filing in and signing the Agreement to Overcome Love Busters. 8 Day 5: Complete Assignment 7 (p. 95). Then share your plan(s) together. Fourth Assignment (to be completed before Session Four): 8 Day 1: Read Chapter 8 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It” questions together. 8 Day 2: Complete Assignment 8 (p. 110) by filling in the Personal History Questionnaire. 8 Day 3: Read Chapter 9 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It” questions together. 8 Day 4: Together, review any two sections from your Personal History Questionnaires. 8 Day 5: Together, review another two sections from your Personal History Questionnaires. Fifth Assignment (to be completed before Session Five): 8 Day 1: Read Chapter 10 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It” questions together. 8 Day 2: Read Chapter 11 of I Promise You. Then answer the “Talk about It” questions together. 8 Day 3: Together complete the Recreational Companionship Inventory and identify at least five recreational activities that you both score as a “1” or higher. 8 Day 4: Complete Assignment 9 (p. 139) and complete the Time for Undivided Attention Worksheet and Graph. 8 Day 5: Together, review another two sections from your Personal History Questionnaires. Sixth Assignment (to be completed before Session Six): 8 Day 1: Read Chapter 12 of I Promise You. 8 Day 2: Together, review the remaining sections from your Personal History Questionnaires. 8 Day 3: Together, read through and use the Feedback Time guidelines to fine-tune your Promises of Care and Protection. 8 Day 4: Together, identify a time each month for the rest of your married lives to review this information; maybe the first of every month. Agree to review your Agreement to Meet the Most Important Emotional Needs, your Agreement to Overcome Love Busters, your promise to be honest, and your promise to schedule daily time together. 8 Day 5: Write down any questions you have for your last session. Session One Handout The Great Impact 1. What and who are affected or impacted by a marriage relationship? List as many items as you can. To help your list, you may want to think about who and what are influenced when a marriage is in trouble. 2. Take two examples from your list above and describe further how they are affected and why. a. _____________________________: b. _____________________________: 3. Do you know of any other human relationship that has more areas of impact in life more than marriage? If your answer is yes, describe what relationship it would be and list the areas of impact. Session One Handout Emotional Needs Questionnaire © 1986 by Willard F. Harley, Jr. Name ______________________________________________________________________ Date _ ____________ This questionnaire is designed to help you determine your most important emotional needs and evaluate your partner’s effectiveness in meeting those needs. Answer all the questions as candidly as possible. Do not try to minimize any needs that you feel have been unmet. If your answers require more space, use and attach a separate sheet of paper. Your partner should complete a separate Emotional Needs Questionnaire so that you can discover his or her needs and evaluate your effectiveness in meeting those needs. You have the permission of the publisher to photocopy the questionnaire for use in your own marriage. I recommend that you enlarge it 125 percent so that you’ll have plenty of room to write in your responses. When you have completed this questionnaire, go through it a second time to be certain your answers accurately reflect your feelings. Do not erase your original answers, but cross them out lightly so that your partner can see the corrections and discuss them with you. The final page of this questionnaire asks you to identify and rank five of the ten needs in order of their importance to you. The most important emotional needs are those that give you the most pleasure when met and frustrate you the most when unmet. Resist the temptation to identify as most important only those needs that your partner is not presently meeting. Include all your emotional needs in your consideration of those that are most important. Complete and discuss this questionnaire again after the first month of marriage and once a year after that. 1. Affection. Showing love through words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses, and courtesies; creating an environment that clearly and repeatedly expresses love. A. Need for affection: Indicate how much you need affection by circling the appropriate number. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 I have no need I have a moderate I have a great need for affection need for affection for affection How often would you like your partner to be affectionate with you? ________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one). If you were not shown affection by your partner as often as indicated above, how would you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.) a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to be shown affection B. Evaluation of partner’s affection: Indicate your satisfaction with your partner’s affection toward you by circling the appropriate number. –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied My partner gives me all the affection I need. Yes No I like the way my partner gives me affection. Yes No If your answer is no, explain how your need for affection could be better satisfied in your marriage._______________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ 2. Sexual Fulfillment. A sexual relationship that brings out a predictably enjoyable sexual response in both of you that is frequent enough for both of you. A. Need for sexual fulfillment: Indicate how much you need sexual fulfillment by circling the appropriate number. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need for sexual fulfillment for sexual fulfillment for sexual fulfillment How often would you like your spouse to have sex with you? ________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one). If your spouse does not engage in sexual relations with you as often as you indicated above, how would you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.) a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to engage in sexual relations B. (complete when you are married) Evaluation of sexual relations with your spouse: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s sexual relations with you by circling the appropriate number. –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied My spouse has sexual relations with me as often as I need. Yes No I like the way my spouse has sexual relations with me. Yes No If your answer is no, explain how your need for sexual fulfillment could be better satisfied in your marriage._______________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ 3. Conversation. Talking about events of the day, feelings, and plans; avoiding angry or judgmental statements or dwelling on past mistakes; showing interest in your favorite topics of conversation; balancing conversation; using it to inform, investigate, and understand you; and giving you undivided attention. A. Need for conversation: Indicate how much you need conversation by circling the appropriate number. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need for conversation for conversation for conversation How often would you like your partner to talk to you? ________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one). ________ (write number) hours each day/week/month (circle one). If your partner does not talk with you as often as you indicated above, how would you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.) a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to talk B. Evaluation of conversation with your partner: Indicate your satisfaction with your partner’s conversation with you by circling the appropriate number. –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied My partner talks to me as often as I need. Yes No I like the way my partner talks to me. Yes No If your answer is no, explain how your need for conversation could be better satisfied in your marriage.___________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ 4. Recreational Companionship. Developing interest in your favorite recreational activities, learning to be proficient in them, and joining you in those activities. If any prove to be unpleasant to your spouse after an effort has been made, negotiating new recreational activities that are mutually enjoyable. A. Need for recreational companionship: Indicate how much you need recreational companionship by circling the appropriate number. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need for recreational for recreational for recreational companionship companionship companionship How often would you like your partner to join you in recreational activities? ________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one). ________ (write number) hours each day/week/month (circle one). If your partner does not join you in recreational activities as often as you indicated above, how would you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.) a. Very happy c. Neither happy nor unhappy b. Somewhat happy d. Happy not to include my spouse B. Evaluation of recreational companionship with your partner: Indicate your satisfaction with your partner’s recreational companionship by circling the appropriate number. –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied My partner joins me in recreational activities as often as I need. Yes No I like the way my partner joins me in recreational activities. Yes No If your answer is no, explain how your need for recreational companionship could be better satisfied in your marriage._____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ 5. Honesty and Openness. Revealing positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily events and schedule, plans for the future; not leaving you with a false impression; answering your questions truthfully. A. Need for honesty and openness: Indicate how much you need honesty and openness by circling the appropriate number. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need for honesty and openness for honesty and openness for honesty and openness Which of the following areas of honesty and openness would you like from your partner? (Circle the letters that apply to you.) a. Sharing positive and negative emotional reactions to significant aspects of life b. Sharing information regarding his/her personal history c. Sharing information about his/her daily activities d. Sharing information about his/her future schedule and plans If your partner fails to be open and honest in those areas you indicated, how would you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.) a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy that my spouse isn’t honest and open B. Evaluation of partner’s honesty and openness: Indicate your satisfaction with your partner’s honesty and openness by circling the appropriate number. –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied In which of the areas listed above would you like to see improvement from your partner? Explain how your need for honesty and openness could be better satisfied in your marriage. ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ 6. Physical Attractiveness. Keeping physically fit with diet and excercise; wearing hair, clothing, and (if female) makeup in a way that you find attractive and tasteful. A. Need for an attractive partner: Indicate how much you need an attractive partner by circling the appropriate number. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need for an attractive partner for an attractive partner for an attractive partner Which of the following characteristics of attractiveness mean the most to you? (Circle the letters that apply.) a. Physical fitness and normal weight b. Attractive choice of clothes c. Attractive hairstyle d. Good physical hygiene e. Attractive facial makeup f. Other _______________________________________ If your partner does not have those characteristics that you circled above, how would you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.) a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to have an attractive partner B. Evaluation of partner’s attractiveness: Indicate your satisfaction with your partner’s attractiveness by circling the appropriate number. –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied In which of the areas listed above would you like to see improvement from your partner? ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ Explain how your need for an attractive partner could be better satisfied in your marriage. ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ 7. Financial Support. Provision of the financial resources to house, feed, and clothe your family at a standard of living acceptable to you, but avoiding travel and working hours that are unacceptable to you. A. Need for financial support: Indicate how much you need financial support by circling the appropriate number. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need for financial support for financial support for financial support How much money would you like your spouse to earn to support you?_____________________ How many hours each week would you like your spouse to work?____________________________ If your spouse does not earn the amount you indicated above, how would you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.) a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to have my spouse provide support B. (complete when you are married) Evaluation of spouse’s financial support: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s financial support by circling the appropriate number. –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied My spouse provides me with all the financial support I need. Yes No I like the way my spouse provides financial support. Yes No If your spouse is not earning as much as you would like, is not working the hours you would like, does not budget the way you would like, or does not earn an income the way you would like, explain how your need for financial support could be better satisfied in your marriage.____ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ 8. Domestic support. Creation of a home environment for you that offers a refuge from the stresses of life; managing the home and care of the children—if any are at home—including but not limited to cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, and housecleaning. A. Need for domestic support: Indicate how much you need domestic support by circling the appropriate number. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need for domestic support for domestic support for domestic support How much time would you like your spouse to be engaged in domestic support? _____ (write number) hours each day/week/month (circle one). If your spouse does not spend as much time engaged in domestic support as you indicated above, how would you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.) a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to have domestic support B. (complete when you are married) Evaluation of spouse’s domestic support: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s domestic support by circling the appropriate number. –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied My spouse provides me with all the domestic support I need. Yes No I like the way my spouse provides domestic support. Yes No If your answer is no to either of the above questions, explain how your need for domestic support could be better satisfied in your marriage.___________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ 9. Family commitment. Scheduling sufficient time and energy for the moral and educational development of your children; reading to them, taking them on frequent outings, educating himself or herself in appropriate child-training methods and discussing those methods with you; avoiding any child-training method or disciplinary action that does not have your enthusiastic support. A. Need for family commitment: Indicate how much you need family commitment by circling the appropriate number. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need for family commitment for family commitment for family commitment How much time would you like your spouse to be engaged in family activities? ________ (write number) hours each day/week/month (circle one). If your spouse does not spend as much time as you indicated above, how would you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.) a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy he or she is not involved B. (complete when you are married and have children) Evaluation of spouse’s family commitment: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s family commitment by circling the appropriate number. –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied My spouse commits enough time to the family. Yes No I like the way my spouse spends time with the family. Yes No If your answer is no, explain how your need for family commitment could be better satisfied in your marriage._______________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ 10. Admiration. Respecting, valuing, and appreciating you; rarely critical; and expressing admiration to you clearly and often. A. Need for admiration: Indicate how much you need admiration by circling the appropriate number. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need for admiration for admiration for admiration How often would you like your partner to admire you? ________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one). If your partner does not admire you as often as you indicated above, how would you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.) a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to be admired B. Evaluation of partner’s admiration: Indicate your satisfaction with your partner’s admiration of you by circling the appropriate number. –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied My partner gives me all the admiration I need. Yes No I like the way my partner admires me. Yes No If your answer is no, explain how your need for admiration could be better satisfied in your marriage._ _______________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ Ranking of Your Emotional Needs The ten basic emotional needs are listed below. There is also space for you to add other emotional needs that you feel are essential to your marital happiness. In the space provided before each need, write a number from 1 to 5 that ranks the need’s importance to your happiness. Write a 1 before the most important need, a 2 before the next most important, and so on until you have ranked your five most important needs. To help you rank these needs, imagine that you will have only one need met in your marriage. Which would make you the happiest, knowing that all the others would go unmet? That need should be 1. If only two needs will be met, what would your second selection be? Which five needs, when met, would make you the happiest? _______ Affection _______ Sexual Fulfillment _______ Conversation _______ Recreational Companionship _______ Honesty and Openness _______ Attractiveness of Spouse _______ Financial Support _______ Domestic Support _______ Family Commitment _______ Admiration _______ ______________________ _______ ______________________ Agreement to Meet the Most Important Emotional Needs This Agreement is made this __________ day of _____________, ___________, between ___________________________ and ___________________________, whereby it is mutually agreed: ________________________________________ will learn to meet the following emotional needs of ____________________________________________: 1. _________________________________________________ 2. _________________________________________________ 3. _________________________________________________ 4. _________________________________________________ 5. _________________________________________________ ______________________________________ will learn to meet the following emotional needs of ________________________________________: 1. _________________________________________________ 2. _________________________________________________ 3. _________________________________________________ 4. _________________________________________________ 5. _________________________________________________ In Witness Whereof, the parties hereto have signed this agreement on the day and year first above written: ______________________________ _______________________________ (Husband) (Wife) (Husband) (Wife) (Husband) (Wife) Session One Handout Session One Handout Evaluation Time: Emotional Needs Read the following guidelines with your fiancé(e). When you sit down for your evaluation time, have your Emotional Needs Questionnaire handy. 1. The objective of this assignment is to gather information from each other. Gathering information means that you listen and take notes. 2. Agree to make your discussion safe and enjoyable. Avoid demands, disrespectful judgments, criticism, sarcasm, and teasing. If your discussion becomes unpleasant for either of you, stop immediately and schedule another time to continue this assignment. 3. Begin with the first need of the questionnaire—affection. One of you will read what is on part B of his/her questionnaire for that particular need while the other listens. The listener takes notes and asks clarifying questions, if needed. After the reader is finished, the listener becomes the reader and the reader becomes the listener. Continue this process for the nine remaining needs. 4. If the emotional need you are discussing is one of your top five emotional needs, try to offer positive and specific suggestions for meeting the need. Try using the form “I’d love it if (specific positive suggestion).” Describe what your want (quality) and how often you want it (quantity). For example, “I’d love it if you could call me every day at lunchtime,” or “I love it when we play golf together once a month.” 5. Complete this assignment within 1 ½ hours. If more time is needed, then schedule another time and day. 6. Choose a time where there will be no interruptions (i.e., turn off the cell phone, don’t answer the home phone) and choose a quality time of day (i.e., avoid a time when you are tired or rushed). 7. Remember this key point: There are three aspects of care to consider when meeting your fiancé(e)’s most important emotional needs: Quality is meeting the need in a way that satisfies. Quantity is meeting the need often enough. Mutuality is meeting the need in a way that both spouses enjoy it. Session Two Handout The Birthday Gift It’s not always easy to express your emotional needs to your partner. You may feel that if he or she loves you, those needs will be met without having to say anything. Or, if he or she is missing the mark, it would be rude to criticize; after all, isn’t it the thought that counts? But what is likely to happen if emotional needs are not honestly expressed? Erik and Betsy will help put this problem into perspective. Erik remembered that Betsy, his new wife, likes bath oil and perfume. So at her birthday party he gave her a gift box filled with vanilla-scented bath soaps, oils, and body spray. A beautiful and costly gift—but there was a problem—the vanilla smell makes Betsy feel sick. What should Betsy do? 1. When she opens the gift at the party with over thirty guests, she tells Erik that she loves the thought, but the vanilla scent makes her sick. 2. After the party, Betsy privately says to Erik, “Thank you for the thoughtful gift and I do like these items, but the vanilla scent makes me feel sick. I’d love it if we could take back or at least go to the store and find a scent that we both like.” 3. Thank Erik for the gift and throw it away or give it to a friend. What would happen if Betsy isn’t honest about this gift? 1. Erik might continue to give her vanilla-scented perfume for the rest of her life. 2. Erik might misdirect his energy and financial resources, thinking that he’s making love unit deposits. 3. Betsy might miss out on future happiness, because her emotional need of affection wouldn’t be met as well as it could be. 4. Erik might eventually find out the truth and feel deceived and hurt. Review: What is the phrase that can help you be honest with your partner about specific ways to meet your needs (hint: it’s in italics above)? Session Two Handout Love Busters Questionnaire This questionnaire is designed to help identify your partner’s Love Busters. Your partner engages in a Love Buster whenever one of his or her habits causes you to be unhappy. By causing your unhappiness, he or she withdraws love units from the account in your Love Bank, and that, in turn, threatens your romantic love for him or her. There are six categories of Love Busters. Each category has its own set of questions in this questionnaire. Answer all the questions as candidly as possible. Do not try to minimize your unhappiness with your partner’s behavior. If your answers require more space, use and attach a separate sheet of paper. When you have completed this questionnaire, go through it a second time to be certain your answers accurately reflect your feelings. Do not erase your original answers, but cross them out lightly so that your partner can see the corrections and discuss them with you. The final page of this questionnaire asks you to rank the six Love Busters in order of their importance to you. When you have finished ranking the Love Busters, you may find that your answers to the questions regarding each Love Buster are inconsistent with your final ranking. This inconsistency is common. It often reflects a less than perfect understanding of your feelings. If you notice inconsistencies, discuss them with your partner to help clarify your feelings. You have the permission of the publisher to photocopy the questionnaire for use in your own marriage. I recommend that you enlarge it 125 percent so that you’ll have plenty of room to write in your responses. Make two copies, one for you and one for your partner. 1. Selfish Demands. Attempts by your partner to force you to do something for him or her, usually with implied threat of punishment if you refuse. A. Selfish Demands as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you tend to experience when your partner makes selfish demands of you. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 I experience I experience I experience no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness B. Frequency of Partner’s Selfish Demands: Indicate how often your partner makes selfish demands of you. ________ (write number) selfish demands each day/week/month/year (circle one). C. Form(s) Selfish Demands Take: When your partner makes selfish demands of you, what does he or she typically do?_____________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ D. Form of Selfish Demands That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above forms of selfish demands causes you the greatest unhappiness?_____________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ E. Onset of Selfish Demands: When did your partner first make selfish demands of you?__________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ F. Development of Selfish Demands: Have your partner’s selfish demands increased or decreased in intensity and/or frequency since they first began? How do recent selfish demands compare to those of the past? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. Disrespectful Judgments. Attempts by your partner to change your attitudes, beliefs, and behavior by trying to force you into his way of thinking. If (1) your partner lectures you instead of respectfully discussing issues, (2) feels that his or her opinion is superior to yours, (3) talks over you or prevents you from having a chance to explain your position, or (4) ridicules your point of view, your partner is engaging in disrespectful judgments. A. Disrespectful Judgments as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you tend to experience when your partner engages in disrespectful judgments toward you. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 I experience I experience I experience no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness B. Frequency of Partner’s Disrespectful Judgments: Indicate how often your partner tends to engage in disrespectful judgments toward you. ________ (write number) disrespectful judgments each day/week/month/year (circle one). C. Form(s) Disrespectful Judgments Take: When your partner engages in disrespectful judgments toward you, what does he or she typically do? _________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ D. Form of Disrespectful Judgments That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above forms of disrespectful judgments causes you the greatest unhappiness?________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ E. Onset of Disrespectful Judgments: When did your partner first engage in disrespectful judgments toward you?_________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ F. Development of Disrespectful Judgments: Have your partner’s disrespectful judgments increased or decreased in intensity and/or frequency since they first began? How do recent disrespectful judgments compare to those of the past?_ ______________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 3. Angry Outbursts. Deliberate attempts by your partner to hurt you because of anger toward you. They are usually in the form of verbal or physical attacks. A. Angry Outbursts as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you tend to experience when your partner attacks you with an angry outburst. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 I experience I experience I experience no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness B. Frequency of Partner’s Angry Outbursts: Indicate how often your partner tends to engage in angry outbursts toward you. __________(write number) angry outbursts each day/week/month/year (circle one). C. Form(s) Angry Outbursts Take: When your partner engages in angry outbursts toward you, what does he or she typically do?________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ D. Form of Angry Outbursts That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above forms of angry outbursts causes you the greatest unhappiness?_ ____________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ E. Onset of Angry Outbursts: When did your partner first engage in angry outbursts toward you?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ F. Development of Angry Outbursts: Have your partner’s angry outbursts increased or decreased in intensity and/or frequency since they first began? How do recent angry outbursts compare to those of the past?____________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4. Dishonesty. Failure of your partner to reveal his or her thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future. Dishonesty is not only providing false information about any of the above topics, but it is also leaving you with what your partner knows is a false impression. A. Dishonesty as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you tend to experience when your partner is dishonest with you. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 I experience I experience I experience no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness B. Frequency of Partner’s Dishonesty: Indicate how often your partner tends to be dishonest with you. ________ (write number) instances of dishonesty each day/week/month/year (circle one). C. Form(s) Dishonesty Takes: When your partner is dishonest with you, what does he or she typically do?_________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ D. Form of Dishonesty That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above forms of dishonesty causes you the greatest unhappiness?________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ E. Onset of Dishonesty: When was your partner first dishonest with you? ___________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ F. Development of Dishonesty: Has your partner’s dishonesty increased or decreased in intensity and/or frequency since it first began? How do recent instances of dishonesty compare to those of the past?___________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 5. Annoying Habits. Behavior repeated by your partner without much thought that bothers you. These habits include personal mannerisms such as the way your partner eats, cleans up after himself or herself, and talks. A. Annoying Habits as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you tend to experience when your partner engages in annoying habits. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 I experience I experience I experience no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness B. Frequency of Partner’s Annoying Habits: Indicate how often your partner tends to engage in annoying habits. ___________ (write number) occurrences of annoying habits each day/week/month/year (circle one). C. Form(s) Annoying Habits Take: When your partner engages in annoying habits toward you, what does he or she typically do?________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ D. Form of Annoying Habits That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above forms of annoying habits causes you the greatest unhappiness?_____________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ E. Onset of Annoying Habits: When did your partner first engage in annoying habits?__________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ F. Development of Annoying Habits: Have your partner’s annoying habits increased or decreased in intensity and/or frequency since they first began? How do recent annoying habits compare to those of the past?____________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 6. Independent Behavior. Behavior conceived and executed by your partner without consideration of your feelings. These behaviors are usually scheduled and require thought to complete, such as attending sporting events or engaging in a personal exercise program. A. Independent Behavior as a Cause of Unhappiness: Indicate how much unhappiness you tend to experience when your partner engages in independent behavior. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 I experience I experience I experience no unhappiness moderate unhappiness extreme unhappiness B. Frequency of Partner’s Independent Behavior: Indicate how often your partner tends to engage in independent behavior. ___________ (write number) occurrences of independent behavior each day/week/month/ year (circle one). C. Form(s) Independent Behavior Takes: When your partner engages in independent behavior, what does he or she typically do? ________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ D. Form of Independent Behavior That Causes the Greatest Unhappiness: Which of the above forms of independent behavior causes you the greatest unhappiness? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ E. Onset of Independent Behavior: When did your partner first engage in independent behavior?___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ F. Development of Independent Behavior: Has your partner’s independent behavior increased or decreased in intensity and/or frequency since it first began? How does recent independent behavior compare to that of the past?___________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Rating Love Busters The six basic categories of Love Busters are listed below. There is also space for you to add other categories of Love Busters that you feel contribute to your unhappiness. In the space provided in front of each Love Buster, write a number from 1 to 6 that ranks its relative contribution to your unhappiness. Write a 1 before the Love Buster that causes you the greatest unhappiness, a 2 before the one causing the next greatest unhappiness, and so on, until you have ranked all six. _______ Selfish Demands _______ Disrespectful Judgments _______ Angry Outbursts _______ Dishonesty _______ Annoying Habits _______ Independent Behavior _______ _________________________ _______ _________________________ Agreement to Overcome Love Busters This Agreement is made this _____________ day of ________________, ________, between ___________________________ and ___________________________, whereby it is mutually agreed: _______________________________________ will learn to avoid the following Love Busters: 1. _________________________________________________ 2. _________________________________________________ 3. _________________________________________________ 4. _________________________________________________ 5. _________________________________________________ _______________________________________ will learn to avoid the following Love Busters: 1. _________________________________________________ 2. _________________________________________________ 3. _________________________________________________ 4. _________________________________________________ 5. _________________________________________________ In Witness Whereof, the parties hereto have signed this agreement on the day and year first above written: ______________________________ ______________________________ (Husband) (Husband) (Wife) (Wife) Session Two Handout Session Two Handout Evaluation Time: Love Busters Read the following guidelines with your partner before reviewing the questionnaires: 1. This can be a challenging questionnaire to review because it’s often difficult to hear about behaviors that need changing. So, when you receive feedback remember this—you’re receiving valuable information about how your behaviors affect your partner’s feelings for you—it’s a gift of honesty. You can’t effectively give your Promise of Protection without this honest information. Also, when you share your information, do it gently and use the “I’d love it if” phrase, giving specific alternatives to the Love Buster. 2. The objective of this assignment is to gather information from your partner. Gathering information means that you listen and take notes. 3. Agree to make your discussion safe and enjoyable. Avoid demands, disrespectful judgments, criticism, sarcasm, and teasing. If your discussion becomes unpleasant for either of you, stop immediately and schedule another time to continue this assignment. 4. Begin with the first Love Buster of the questionnaire—selfish demands. One of you will read what is on his/her questionnaire for that particular Love Buster while the other listens. The listener takes notes and asks clarifying questions, if needed. After the reader is finished, the listener becomes the reader and the reader becomes the listener. Continue this process for the five remaining Love Busters. Then review the last page that ranks the Love Busters. 5. If there are many annoying habits to eliminate, write them all down and ask your partner to rank the habits from most to least annoying. 6. Complete this assignment within 1 hour. If more time is needed, schedule another time and day. 7. Choose a time where there will be no interruptions (e.g., turn off the cell phone, don’t answer the home phone) and choose a quality time of the day (i.e., avoid times when you are tired or rushed). 8. If you reach an impasse, stop and schedule another time to complete this assignment. Session Three Handout Identifying Love Busters Worksheet Sometimes it’s difficult to share concerns with your partner without Love Busters— especially when it comes to situations where you have different opinions. Let’s look at a situation that might lead to Love Buster behavior. Situation: Dennis has been dressing for an on-going, weekly Bible study wearing sandals, shorts, and an old t-shirt. Mary doesn’t like how he’s dressing and thinks he should dress a little nicer. What should she do? Option A: Say nothing and let it go—accepting him for who he is. Option B: Tell him that he’s a slob and he must change immediately or else! Option C: Tell him, “I’d love it if you’d wear this instead. How would you feel about that idea?” If he doesn’t agree, then ask him if he’s willing to negotiate another outfit. Option D: Have the outfit mysteriously disappear from the face of the earth. 1. Identify the Love Buster for each option, if any: A. B. C. D. 2. Which option would be the best way for Mary to give Dennis the Promise of Protection? Now consider the following ways that Dennis could respond to Mary’s concern: Option A: Tell her that she is too concerned about what people think and perhaps she should consider individual counseling to get over her anxiety. Option B: Tell her “okay” and do whatever she wants him to do—even if it causes him discomfort every time they go to the Bible study. Option C: Tell her “okay” to get her off his back, but continue wearing what he wants to wear. Option D: Tell her “Thank you for being honest with me.” Then (a) “I would be happy to wear something else—I really don’t care what I wear”; or (b) “Let’s go to the closet and pick out outfits that we both like. And if we can’t find anything, let’s go out and buy a couple of outfits together.” 1. Identify the Love Buster behaviors for each option, if any: A. B. C. D. 2. Which option would be the best way for Dennis to give Mary the Promise of Protection? Session Three Handout Finding Options Practice your negotiation skills by reading the following scenario and answering the following questions: Situation: Ann is feeling overwhelmed with wedding plans and her fiancé, Jason, hasn’t helped with anything. She feels like he doesn’t really care about the wedding and she’d like him to be more involved with the plans. Jason feels frustrated because Ann is always in a bad mood. They used to enjoy bike-riding and trying out new restaurants together, but now Ann never has time for these activities. He’s tried to stay out of wedding plans because he really doesn’t have any preferences about the wedding and he wanted Ann to have the wedding that she likes. Step Two in the negotiation process is to identify the problem from both perspectives. What might Ann and Jason say were their perspectives? (Also remember Step One that instructs them to make the negotiation pleasant and safe, protecting each other from Love Busters.) Ann: Jason: Step Three in the negotiation process is to brainstorm with abandon. What might Ann and Jason identify as possible ways to solve the problem (try to identify at least five)? Session Three Handout Personal History Questionnaire Please answer all of the following questions as honestly and thoughtfully as possible. If your answer requires additional space, use another sheet of paper. When answering these questions, it is important to remember the Rule of Honesty and its five parts: The Rule of Honesty for Successful Marriage Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know—your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future. 1. Emotional honesty: Reveal your emotional reactions—both positive and negative—to the events of your life, particularly to your spouse’s behavior. 2. Historical honesty: Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness and failure. 3. Current honesty: Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your spouse. 4. Future honesty: Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives. 5. Complete honesty: Do not leave your spouse with a false impression about your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, or plans for the future. Do not deliberately keep personal information from your spouse. I agree to consider this information confidential and will not share any information revealed in this questionnaire to anyone without my spouse’s permission. I also agree to reward honesty and not punish my spouse for revealing any new information to me that I may find upsetting. Signature: _______________________________________________ Date___________________ Health History List childhood diseases, injuries, or operations: ___________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ List past adult diseases, injuries, or operations: ___________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ List present medical problems (include high blood pressure, arthritis, migraine headaches, etc.): ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ When did you have your last complete physical examination? ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What were the results? Did the doctor find a medical problem or are you generally in good health? ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ How long does it usually take you to fall asleep when you go to bed at night? ____________ How many hours do you usually sleep? __________ How often do you awaken during the night? _______________ How long does it take to get back to sleep? _______________ How many pounds have you gained and/or lost in the past year? ___________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Describe any of your past and present diet programs:_ ____________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Describe your current exercise program:_________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What drugs do you presently take, what dosages, how often, and for what conditions?________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Have you ever been hospitalized or received therapy for a mental disorder? If so, list hospital(s) and/or therapist(s) and approximate dates:_____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Do you now have or have you ever had venereal disease? If so, when and what were the conditions?____ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ For the wife: When did you have your first period? _______ Are your periods regular? _______ Are they comfortable? _______ Do they cause you to feel depressed, anxious, or irritable? ______ Family History Mother’s name: _____________________________________________________________________________ age:______ occupation:___________________ education:___________________________________________ How did she punish you?______________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ How did she reward you?______________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What behaviors did she punish?_ _______________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What behaviors did she reward?________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ How would others describe your mother?________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ How would you describe your mother?__________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What activities did you do with your mother when you were a child?________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ How did you get along with your mother?_______________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Father’s name: ______________________________________________________________________________ age:______ occupation:_____________________ education:_________________________________________ How did he punish you?_______________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ How did he reward you?_______________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What behaviors did he punish?_________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What behaviors did he reward?_________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ How would others describe your father?_________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ How would you describe your father?_ __________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What activities did you do with your father when you were a child?_________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ How did you get along with your father?_ _______________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ For each of your brother(s) and sister(s), give name, birth date, and how you got along with him/her when you were growing up together:___________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Does (did) your mother or father favor one child? If so, who and why do you think they favored that child?_______________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Are your mother and father divorced? If so, how old were you and what do you know about the reasons they divorced?________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ How do (did) your mother and father get along?_ ________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Was your father or mother (or both) alcoholic? If so, how did it affect your childhood?________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Describe any instances of physical violence or sexual advances inflicted on you by a parent or siblings when you were a child.________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ If you were raised by a stepparent or foster parents, please describe your most important experiences with them.___________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Educational History What preschool(s) did you attend?______________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Describe any significant experiences there:_______________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What elementary school(s) did you attend?_ _____________________________________________________ Were you a good student?______ Describe any significant experiences at your elementary school: ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What middle and/or secondary school(s) did you attend?__________________________________________ What were your grades?______ Describe any significant experiences at your middle school or secondary school:______________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What college(s) or vocational school(s) did you attend?____________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What were your grades?______ Describe any significant experiences at college or vocational school:_____ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What was your major or specialization?__________________________________________________________ Give degree and date earned:__________________________________________________________________ What postgraduate school(s) did you attend?_____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What were your grades?______ Describe any significant experiences in postgraduate school: ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What was your major?_________________________________________________________________________ Give degree and date earned:__________________________________________________________________ Describe sports or other extracurricular activities in which you participated, awards you received, and musical instruments you played, throughout your education:_______________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What are your future educational plans?_________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Vocational History List the jobs you have held, giving the present or most recent job first. For each job, give the dates you were employed, your job title and salary, and what you liked and disliked about the job. ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ How often do you miss work at jobs you enjoy? __________________________________________________ At jobs you dislike? ___________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Describe how well you get along with your fellow employees: ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Describe how well you get along with your supervisor(s):__________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What training or education have you had that is relevant to your present occupation?_________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Does your job satisfy you intellectually? Yes/No Emotionally? Yes/No Physically? Yes/No What are your vocational ambitions?____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What were your childhood interests and hobbies?_________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What are your present leisure time interests and hobbies?__________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Religious History What is the name of your religion?______________________________________________________________ Describe your most important religious beliefs:___________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ How do your religious beliefs influence the decisions you make in your life?__________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ List your religious activities (prayer, study, meetings, etc.) and how frequently you participate in each one:_________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Describe how your religious beliefs and those of your parents affected your childhood:________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Describe any differences between your religious beliefs and those of your spouse:_____________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Describe any important changes in your religious beliefs during your lifetime:_ _______________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Opposite Sex Relationship History List all significant opposite-sex relationships you had prior to high school and give the person’s name, your age, and the person’s age during the relationship, and the duration of the relationship. Indicate if you were in love and if you had a sexual relationship (use separate sheet of paper if needed):__________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ List all significant opposite-sex relationships you had during high school and give the person’s name, your age, and the person’s age during the relationship, and the duration of the relationship. Indicate if you were in love and if you had a sexual relationship (use separate sheet of paper if needed):__________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ List all significant opposite-sex relationships you had after high school and give the person’s name, your age, and the person’s age during the relationship, and the duration of the relationship. Indicate if you were in love and if you had a sexual relationship (use separate sheet of paper if needed):_______________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ If you have been divorced, give the name of your former spouse, date married, date divorced, reason for divorce, what you liked most and disliked most about the person, and the names and birth dates of children (use seperate sheet of paper if needed):_____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ If you have been widowed, give the name of your spouse, date married, date and cause of spouse’s death, what you liked most and disliked most about your spouse, and the names and birth dates of children (use separate sheet of paper if needed):_____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Sexual History When and how did you first learn about sex?_____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ How did your parents influence your attitude regarding sex?_______________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ What was your parents’ attitude concerning sex? (Circle one of the following.) 1. Sex was shameful and not to be discussed. 2. Sex was not shameful but it wasn’t discussed. 3. Sex was shameful but was also discussed. 4. Sex was not shameful and was freely discussed. Describe your first sexual experience:____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Describe your most important sexual experiences and how they influenced the way you think about sex today:_______________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ When and how did you first experience sexual arousal and how did you feel about it?_________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ When and how did you first experience sexual climax and how did you feel about it?__________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ If you have ever masturbated, when did you start?________________________________________________ How often did you masturbate during childhood?________________________________________________ During adolescence?__________________________________________________________________________ What sexual fantasies do you have when you masturbate?_ ________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ When did you first have sexual intercourse and how did the experience affect you?___________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ With how many people have you had sexual intercourse?__________________________________________ Have you ever: had sexual experiences with or fantasies about being treated violently? Yes/No had sexual experiences with or fantasies about treating others violently? Yes/No exposed yourself or desired to expose yourself in public? Yes/No had sexual contact with children or desired to have sexual contact with children? Yes/No Have you ever been in legal trouble because of your sexual behavior? If so, please describe the behavior and circumstances.____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Have you ever had an extramarital sexual relationship(s)? If so, please describe it._____________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Have you ever had a homosexual experience(s)? If so, please describe it._____________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Personal Assessment Describe some of your fears:____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Describe faults you think you have:______________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Describe your good characteristics:______________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ If you ever have any of the thoughts given below, check the frequency of occurrence: Type of thought hardly ever occasionally frequently I am lonely. ____ ____ ____ The future is hopeless. ____ ____ ____ Nobody cares about me. ____ ____ ____ I feel like killing myself. ____ ____ ____ I am a failure. ____ ____ ____ I am intellectually inferior. ____ ____ ____ I am going to faint. ____ ____ ____ I am going to panic. ____ ____ ____ People don’t usually like me. ____ ____ ____ Other negative thoughts you may have occasionally or frequently:__________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Indicate the degree that the following problems are a concern to you using this scale: X = concern in the past, not now 0 = never a concern 1 = very slight degree of concern 2 = mild degree of concern 3 = moderate degree of concern 4 = severe degree of concern 5 = very severe degree of concern sadness suicidal feelings loss of energy low self-esteem isolation and loneliness sleep disturbance headaches dizziness angry feelings mood swings verbal or emotional abuse physical abuse sexual abuse financial problems career problems marital problems parent/child problems Goals for Personal Improvement Below is a list of bad habits and uncomfortable feelings that may include some that are making you feel anxious and depressed. Check off any habits or uncomfortable feelings that you would like to change: ____ drinking alcoholic beverages too much ____ smoking too much ____ using drugs too much—name the drug(s) _ _________________________________________________ ____ eating too much ____ exercising too little ____ feeling too much attraction to members of my own sex ____ feeling too much attraction to members of the opposite sex ____ feeling nauseated when nervous ____ thinking depressing thoughts ____ feeling anxious in crowds ____ feeling anxious in high places ____ worrying about my health ____ feeling anxious in airplanes ____ stuttering ____ washing my hands too often ____ cleaning and straightening things up too often ____ biting my fingernails ____ being careless of my physical appearance ____ feeling anxious in enclosed places ____ feeling anxious in open places ____ being too afraid of blood ____ feeling anxious about contamination or germs ____ feeling anxious about being alone ____ feeling afraid of darkness ____ feeling afraid of certain animals ____ thinking the same thoughts over and over ____ counting my heartbeats ____ hearing voices ____ feeling people are against me or out to get me ____ seeing visions or objects that aren’t really there ____ wetting the bed at night or having difficulty controlling my bladder ____ having difficulty controlling my bowel movement ____ taking too much medicine ____ having too many headaches ____ gambling too much ____ being unable to fall asleep at night ____ exposing my body to strangers ____ wearing clothes of the opposite sex ____ feeling sexually attracted to other people’s clothing or belongings ____ feeling sexually attracted to children ____ feeling sexually attracted to animals ____ feeling a sexual desire to hurt other people ____ feeling a sexual desire to be hurt or humiliated ____ feeling a nonsexual desire to hurt other people ____ feeling a nonsexual desire to be hurt or humiliated ____ stealing or a desire to steal ____ lying ____ yelling at people when I’m angry ____ poor management of money ____ saying foolish things to people ____ having difficulty carrying on a conversation with people ____ bothering or irritating people too much ____ forgetfulness ____ contemplating suicide ____ setting fires or a desire to set fires ____ difficulty being steadily employed ____ feeling uncomfortable at work ____ swearing ____ being too upset when criticized by others ____ having difficulty expressing feelings ____ putting things off that need to be done ____ thinking things that cause guilty feelings ____ feeling anxious when work is being supervised ____ feeling anxious about sexual thoughts ____ feeling anxious about kissing ____ feeling anxious about petting ____ feeling anxious about sexual intercourse ____ having difficulty making decisions when they need to be made ____ feeling uncomfortable with groups of people ____ feeling anxious about: ____________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ____ feeling depressed about: __________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ____ feeling guilty about: ______________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ____ being unable to control my desire to: _ _____________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ How do you plan to change the habits and/or uncomfortable feelings checked above? ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Session Four Handout Honesty Worksheet I Sometimes it’s difficult to share concerns with your partner without wrapping your honesty in Love Busters—especially when it comes to situations where you have a strong opinion. Let’s look at a situation that needs honesty, but might lead to Love Buster behavior. Situation: Mary’s Desire Dennis has been dressing for an on-going, weekly Bible study wearing sandals, shorts, and an old t-shirt. Mary doesn’t like how he’s dressing and would like him to dress a little nicer. What should she do? Option A: Say nothing and let it go—accepting him for who he is. Option B: Tell him that he’s a slob and he must change immediately or else! Option C: Tell him, “I’d love it if you’d wear this instead. How would you feel about that idea?” If he doesn’t agree, then ask him if he’s willing to negotiate another outfit. Option D: Have the outfit mysteriously disappear from the face of the earth. Discussion 1. Identify the option that would keep the Promise of Honesty. _____ 2. Identify the option that would keep the Promise of Protection. _____ 3. Identify the Love Buster(s) in the following options: Option A: _______________________ Option B: _______________________ Option D: _______________________ 4. How would these Love Busters affect Dennis? Situation: Dennis Responds If Mary chooses Option C, how could Dennis respond to Mary’s honesty? Option A: Tell her that she is too concerned about what people think and perhaps she should consider individual counseling to get over her anxiety. Option B: Tell her “okay” and do whatever she wants him to do—even if it causes him discomfort every time they go to the Bible study. Option C: Tell her “okay” to get her off his back, but continue wearing what he wants to wear. Option D: Tell her “Thank you for being honest with me.” Then a) “I would be happy to wear something different—I really don’t care what I wear”; or (b) “Let’s go to the closet and pick out outfits that we both like. And if we can’t find anything, let’s go out and buy a couple of outfits together.” Discussion 1. Identify the option that would value Mary’s honesty. _____ 2. Identify the option that would keep the Promise of Protection. _____ 3. Identify the Love Buster(s) in the following options: Option A: _______________________ Option B: _______________________ Option C: _______________________ Session Four Handout Honesty Worksheet II Honesty sounds easy. But in real life relationships, it can be difficult to put into practice—especially when you know that your honesty may anger or hurt your partner. Take a look at the following scenario, and discuss how honesty—or lack thereof—would impact the relationship: Situation: Pam’s Action Pam came home with a new watch—it was a great deal, but still very expensive! The problem was that she and Dan had agreed to start saving money for a vacation. And this wasn’t the first “deal” Pam had bought since their agreement. Pam knew Dan should have been asked first, but someone else in the store was eager to buy it. So, she acted upon her instinct and made an independent decision. Pam could: Option A: Hide the watch and bring it out later. Then if Dan asks about it, she can honestly tell him that it was something she bought a while ago. Option B: Tell Dan that she bought the watch. Option C: Buy something for Dan to make it “fair,” then after she gives it to him, tell him that she also bought something for herself. Discussion 1. What do you think Pam would feel tempted to do? 2. Which option would keep the Promise of Honesty? 3. Which option would keep the Promise of Protection? 4. What negative consequences could result if Pam decides to be dishonest? Situation: Dan’s Reaction If Pam was honest about the watch, Dan could: Option A: Tell her that she was irresponsible and demand that she not have access to their money until she can show more responsibility. Option B: Get upset and give her the silent treatment for a few days to make her pay for the thoughtless act. Option C: Thank her for being honest and suggest that they create a plan to overcome unplanned spending. Discussion 1. What would Dan be tempted to do if Pam was honest about purchasing the watch? 2. What option would value Pam’s honesty and keep the Promise of Protection? 3. What negative consequences could result if Dan responds to Pam’s honesty with Love Busters? 4. If Dan and Pam negotiate a plan to overcome unplanned spending, what are some possible brainstorming options for solving this problem? (Remember to give options that are in the best interests of both of them.) Session Four Handout Recreational Enjoyment Inventory Please indicate how much you enjoy, or think you might enjoy, each recreational activity listed below. In the space provided by each activity, under the appropriate column (husband’s or wife’s), circle one of the following numbers to reflect your feelings: 3 = very enjoyable; 2 = enjoyable; 1 = somewhat enjoyable; 0 = no feelings one way or the other; –1 = somewhat unpleasant; –2 = unpleasant; –3 = very unpleasant. Add to the list, in the spaces provided, activities that you would enjoy that are not listed. In the third column, add the ratings of both you and your spouse only if both ratings are positive. The activities with the highest sum are those that you should select when planning recreational time together. Activity Husband’s Rating Wife’s Rating Total Rating Acting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Aerobic exercise –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Amusement parks –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Antique collecting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Archery –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Astronomy –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Auto customizing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Auto racing (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Badminton –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Baseball (playing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Baseball (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Basketball (playing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Basketball (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Bible study –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Bicycling –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Boating –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Bodybuilding –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Bowling –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Boxing (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Bridge –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Camping –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Canasta –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Canoeing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Checkers –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Chess –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Church services –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Coin collecting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Computer games –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Activity Husband’s Rating Wife’s Rating Total Rating Computer programming –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Computer ______ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Concerts (classical music) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Concerts (country music) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Concerts (rock music) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Cribbage –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Croquet –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Dancing (ballroom) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Dancing (rock) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Dancing (square) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Dancing (_________) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Dining out –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Fishing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Flying (as passenger) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Flying (as pilot) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Football (playing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Football (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Gardening –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Genealogical research –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Golf –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Ham radio –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Handball –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Hiking –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Hockey (playing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Hockey (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Horseback riding –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Horse racing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Horseshoe pitching –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Horse shows (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Hot air ballooning –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Hunting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Ice fishing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Ice skating –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Jogging –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Judo –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Karate –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Knitting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Metalwork –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Model building –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Monopoly –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Mountain climbing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Movies –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Museums –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Opera –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Painting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Photography –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Pinochle –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Plays –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Poetry (writing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Activity Husband’s Rating Wife’s Rating Total Rating Polo (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Pool (or billiards) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Quilting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Racquetball –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Remodeling (home) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Rock collecting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Roller-skating –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Rowing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Rummy –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Sailing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Sculpting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Shooting (pistol) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Shooting (skeet, trap) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Shopping (clothes) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Shopping (groceries) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Shopping (vehicles) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Shopping (_________) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Shuffleboard –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Sightseeing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Singing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Skiing (cross-country) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Skiing (downhill) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Skiing (water) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Skin diving (snorkeling) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Skydiving –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Snowmobiling –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Softball (playing) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Softball (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Spearfishing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Stamp collecting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Surfing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Swimming –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Table tennis –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Taxidermy –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Television –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Tennis –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Tobogganing –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Video games –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Video movies (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Video production –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Volleyball –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Weaving –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Woodworking –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Wrestling (watching) –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Yachting –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Activity Husband’s Rating Wife’s Rating Total Rating _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ _______________________ –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 –3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3 __________ Time for Undivided Attention Worksheet For the Week of _______________________ Please report the time you give undivided attention to each other. You must be without friends, relatives, or children and must use the time to engage in conversation, affection, sex, or recreational activities that promote undivided attention. First, schedule time to be together by completing the Planned Time Together part of this report. The total for the week should add up to fifteen hours or more. Then, as the week unfolds, complete the Actual Time Together part of the report. The estimate of time actually given to undivided attention depends on how each of you feels about the attention given. While you may have been together for two hours, one of you may feel only half of the time was given to undivided attention, while the other may feel that the entire two hours qualified. Because of this common difference of opinion, each of you is to provide your own estimate. In the last column, the lower estimate is to be entered. If the planned activity was canceled, explain why under Actual Activities. At the end of the week, the total of the Lower Estimate column should be entered on the Time for Undivided Attention Graph. It should be fifteen hours or more if you want to sustain romantic love in your marriage. Planned Time Together Actual Time Together Planned Date Planned Time (from–to) Total Planned Time Planned Activities Actual Activities Her Estimate His Estimate Lower Estimate ______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______ ______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______ ______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______ ______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______ ______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______ ______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______ ______ _________ _______ _____________________ _____________________ ______ ______ ______ Total Time for the Week _______ Total Time for the Week ______ Time for Undivided Attention Graph Session Four Handout Hours of Undivided Attention 30 25 20 15 10 5 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Weeks Session Five Handout Priority Time 1. List the five most important priorities in your life. What’s most important to you? 2. List your current activities in a typical weekday (exclude work and sleeprelated activities) and list the approximate amount of time you spend each week engaging in the activity. Remember to include down-time activities, like TV watching and recreational computer time. ACTIVITY TIME ______________________________________________________________ ___________ ______________________________________________________________ ___________ ______________________________________________________________ ___________ ______________________________________________________________ ___________ ______________________________________________________________ ___________ ______________________________________________________________ ___________ ______________________________________________________________ ___________ ______________________________________________________________ ___________ ______________________________________________________________ ___________ ______________________________________________________________ ___________ ______________________________________________________________ ___________ ______________________________________________________________ ___________ Couple Discussion 3. Are your highest priorities reflected in the way you’re currently spending your time? Are there any priorities that are being neglected in your schedule? 4. How much time are you currently spending with your partner? Is this a high priority? 5. Do you think it will be easier or more difficult to spend time with each other after you are married? What additional activities/responsibilities may make it difficult to spend quality time together in the future? 6. What could you do to ensure that your highest priorities in life are represented in your daily schedule? Session Five Handout Time for Love Worksheet Life is busy, and even the most well-intentioned couples can find it difficult to keep the Promise of Time. It often takes creative scheduling to find 15 hours each week. After reviewing the following scenario, identify possible scheduling ideas for Joe and Sherry to reach their goal of 15 hours for undivided attention. Scenario Joe and Sherry have full-time jobs and a 2-year-old child, Mary. Responsibilities with family, work, church, and friends have given them only 2–4 hours of time alone each week and they are both feeling neglected. Additional information to consider: Mary is currently sleeping in their bed and usually goes to sleep when they do at 10 and wakes up when they do at 6; Joe’s mother lives 15 minutes away and has offered to pick up Mary from day care and bring her home at 8 every Wednesday night; they have four hours per week of babysitting expenses allocated in their budget. Scheduling Ideas Fold Here Joe and Sherry’s Plan Discuss together what Sherry and Joe decided to do: They prepared a separate bed for Mary and gradually helped her adjust to a regular bedtime of 9:00. This gave them 20 to 30 minutes together every night. (2.25 hours) Since they were tired at night, they went to sleep 30 minutes earlier and woke up 45 minutes earlier each weekday morning, using the morning time for undivided attention. (3.75 hours) They talked to each other on the telephone for 5 minutes every morning, noon, and afternoon during their weekdays (1.25 hours). They sat on the sofa after dinner while Mary watched a 15-minute child video each weekday. (1.25 hours) A babysitter came every Saturday morning from 9:00 to 11:00 and they went for coffee before grocery shopping together. She also came Sunday afternoons from 2:00 to 4:00 when they did a special recreational outing. (4 hours). When Mary naps on Saturday, they dedicate 1 hour for undivided attention (1 hour). They go out for dinner on Wednesday nights when Joe’s mom babysits Mary (1.5 hours). If needed, they spent 20 minutes of their lunch times at work together on the phone. (1.75) Session Five Handout Feedback Time Instructions: Thoroughly read the guidelines listed below. Then, using these guidelines with your partner, evaluate your effectiveness and fine-tune your promise-fulfilling plan to meet your partner’s most important emotional needs and eliminate your Love Busters. These guidelines provide a basic structure to help fine-tune the way you give the Promise of Care and the Promise of Protection. 1. Create a pleasant and comfortable environment. 2. The goal of this exercise is to fine-tune your plans to give the Promise of Care and the Promise of Protection. You will review how you are meeting each other’s emotional needs and avoiding Love Busters, and you will gather feedback for improvement. 3. To review the Promise of Care, one person will begin by stating his or her partner’s first emotional need from the Agreement to Meet the Most Important Emotional Needs. He or she will explain the specific behaviors being done to meet that need and then ask, “How do those behaviors affect your feelings for me and how could I improve the quality or quantity of what I am doing?” After feedback is received, the other person will complete the same process for his or her partner’s first emotional need. After each person has reviewed and received feedback, then the same process will be used for the remaining four needs. It is recommended that notes are taken for future feedback times. Try to complete this review in less than 30 minutes. 4. To review the Gift of Protection, take turns reviewing each Love Buster you are trying to eliminate as indicated on the Agreement to Overcome Love Busters. Describe the changes being made and ask, “Are you feeling protected or are my current actions still causing you unhappiness?” If the feedback regarding the elimination of your Love Buster is positive, continue your current plan of protection. If the feedback indicates that the Love Buster still needs work, try to a) add to or change the plan to eliminate the Love Buster, b) review your plan more often (e.g., at least once a day), and/or c) look for a group, counselor, or friend who can help with accountability and encouragement as you work toward eliminating the Love Buster. It is recommended that notes are taken for future feedback times. Try to complete this review in less than 30 minutes. 5. Remember, your feedback must be given with care. Avoid being disrespectful, critical, or demanding. You should give information about the quality (the way the specific behavior meets the need) and quantity (how often and how much time the desired behavior is given). Try to suggest what you would like (i.e., specific desired behavior). For example, “I would love it if you could call me three times a day,” (quantity) or “I would love it if you hugged me like this” (quality). 6. If the way you are trying to meet your partner’s emotional need(s) is not mutually appealing, then discover other ways to meet the need(s). You may consider trying an option for a short period of time. But if it is uncomfortable for either of you after the trial period, avoid doing it in the future. 7. Schedule another feedback time in one week and then every month for your entire marriage (on the 1st of each month). Subsequent reviews should take less time and can be less structured. But remember, needs change and thoughtless habits may return. By committing to a short review once a month, you will stay on the promise-keeping track. Session Six Handout Promises of Love: Ready to Go! During the previous sessions, you’ve learned a lot about the Four Promises of Love—and how to build a marriage that can last a lifetime. Take the next few minutes to talk about each of the four promises and summarize what you’ve learned. With these lessons and goals on hand, you’ll be ready follow the recipe for a lifetime of love together! The Promise of Care: I promise to be your primary source of happiness by meeting your most important emotional needs. What we’ve learned: Our goals: The Promise of Protection: I promise to avoid being the cause of your unhappiness. The Gift of Protection provides protection from thoughtless/selfish tendencies that tempt us to gain at each other’s expense, or worse yet, to deliberately try to hurt each other. What we’ve learned: Our goals: The Promise of Honesty: I promise to be honest with you. What we’ve learned: Our goals: The Promise of Time: I promise to take time to give you my undivided attention. What we’ve learned: Our goals: Session Six Handout A Parting Wish The purpose of this class was for you to build a terrific relationship with your fiancé(e). But there’s more! Most couples that end up with a troubled marriage were once very much in love, just like you are now. But instead of preserving that love, their actions lead to disastrous consequences—infidelity, mental and physical abuse, and emotional abandonment. Once these couples learn how to live out the promises of Care, Protection, Honesty, and Time, they find their marriage returning to solid ground. Many end up thinking, I wish we had followed the Four Promises of Love years ago. Fortunately, you now have the tools to build a solid marriage right from the start: If you make it a priority to give your fiancé(e) the Four Promises of Love throughout your marriage, you can enjoy being in love with each other for all the years ahead. So as you approach your wedding day, here are some parting words of advice to help you live out the Four Promises of Love: 1. You will have choice points in your life—when to have a child, what job to take, where to move, what budget to follow, what to do this weekend, whether or not to join a sports team, etc. With every decision, make it your goal to keep romantic love in your marriage. Make the Four Promises of Love your life’s template. For example, if you are thinking about a particular job, ask yourselves: Will we be able to maintain our daily time together? Will we be able to care for each other? Will we be able to maintain an honest relationship? Will we be able to maintain a caring relationship with God? By following this template, many tragic outcomes can be avoided. 2. Bells and whistles don’t sound off when you have taken a path that leads to tragedy. That’s why you should keep a regularly scheduled review time throughout your engagement and marriage. Mark your calendars for a regular time each month. Then use this review to receive feedback and remind yourself to keep the Four Promises of Love. It’s easy to get out of thoughtful habits and into thoughtless ones. You will need continual reminders to stay on track. And a habit of reviewing the Four Promises of Love will allow you to make critical lifestyle adjustments before troubles arise in your relationship. 3. Protect your Love Bank. Falling in love with someone other than your spouse is easier than you think. As a matter of fact, you’re wired to have an affair, and most marriages suffer the tragic consequences! It starts innocently, by regularly allowing someone to meet your most important emotional needs (i.e., talking together, showing acts of kindness, sharing a recreational activity). If you give someone of the opposite gender time to meet your most important emotional needs, they will make Love Bank deposits. And the greater the Love Bank account becomes, the more difficult it is to resist an affair. Here are some rules to help you guard your Love Bank: Spend most of your recreational time either alone or with your spouse. Avoid recreational activities with someone who could build Love Bank balances by simply being with you when you are enjoying yourself. Inform your spouse if you are developing an attraction toward someone. If someone tells you that he or she finds you attractive, be prepared to tell them how much you love your spouse. Then tell your spouse about the situation. Avoid talking about personal matters or feelings with someone of the opposite gender. If you want to care for someone of the opposite gender, do it only with your spouse present. If your spouse’s job or your job requires travel, use additional precautions to avoid increased vulnerability and opportunity (i.e., avoid alcohol use that would lower your inhibitions). 4. We aren’t perfect. This isn’t a major revelation—we all know that there are days that we don’t do what we promise to do. And you and your fiancé(e) won’t keep your four Promises of Love perfectly either. You’ll occasionally make a thoughtless decision, you’ll let something interfere with your time together, or you’ll blurt out a disrespectful judgment. The scheduled reviews mentioned above should keep you from straying too far off the Promises of Love path. But when this happens, you will need to learn how to “re-up.” It’s a military term that means “to re-enlist for service.” If you start to stray from the path, be prepared to “re-up” or re-enlist to fulfill your promises to your fiancé(e). A commitment to “re-up” will help keep you giving and receiving these Gifts of Love. Congratulations on completing your counseling! And best wishes for your wedding day and the marriage that follows. About the Author of I Promise You Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD, is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor. Over the past thirty-five years he has helped thousands of couples overcome marital conflict and restore their love for each other. His innovative counseling methods are described in the books and articles he writes. Dr. Harley also leads training workshops for couples and marriage counselors and has appeared on thousands of radio and television programs. Willard Harley and Joyce, his wife of forty-three years, live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. They are the parents of two married children who are also marriage counselors. Be sure to visit Dr. Harley’s website at www.marriagebuilders.com.

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